Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Dear Reader (You Know Who You Are)


Email is one of those things that while simplifying our lives to a great extent...  also suffers from the "Lost in Translation" syndrome.  Statements that were perhaps not meant to be, come across as extremely hostile, nosy, or even cruel.

This is not an adoption blog.  This is barely a "mommy blog" unless you are supremely literal and then you may consider that I am a mom and I blog.  This is a space to be, at various times, stupid, honest, perhaps amusing, and/or rarely interesting.

Typically my blogging reflects the day to day minutia of my life... the struggles and the funny of a very ordinary life.  I am not out to conquer the Internet nor do I feel that I have "any responsibility to the adoption community in terms of content."

There are many (MANY) adoption focused blogs out there... some are listed in the second half of my blogroll... these are the blogs which focus on the decision, paperchase, wait, referral, travel, adjustment and new lives as families... they are tender and hopeful and I enjoy following them... it's a privilege to be allowed into someone's life... to be a given a small slice of their greatest desire.  These blogs help sustain those waiting, they inspire those wondering and they comfort those struggling... 

This is not that blog.

I realize that our family is, to use your word, blessed.  But my job is not to show my family to you, or anyone else, as Exhibit A : "Why You Should Adopt".  

Why I don't post more about adoption?  Quite frankly, I don't think about it.  My day does not revolve around the fact that my daughter was born in China.  It does revolve around laundry, wine, flea control in the summer months, and Trader Joes.  

We are not victimized by racism, rudely approached on street corners, shunned by our family or misunderstood by our community.

I have been to a couple of "Chinese-y" type group events and I left them both before they were over... to sit in a room with a group of strangers and focus on the issues and problems that I am not experiencing seems to me to be a supreme waste of time... I could sit there and make lists about all the potential things I need to look out for, but I prefer to be surprised.

The best advice I have received as far as raising my daughter came from the mother of a now 20 something daughter who was born in Korea.  She told me, Make sure Eva has some good friends who have her same beginning... because when Nikki struggled with adoption/birth family issues, the only people who really helped her were those girls who "knew" what she was going through... I was there for love and support, but they were there for understanding.

Second best piece of advice is from a dear friend who was adopted as an infant - Send her to me, I'll help her... it's not about understanding, it's about acceptance.

So while I guess (ok, not really) I can appreciate your "concern" about my "lack of honesty" about being a "bi-racial" family, I just want to go ahead and tell you - don't worry about it.  We're good.

Eva's good.

And I think we're just both going to have to realize that "although you like my writing" this isn't the blog for you.  

30 comments:

jenontheedge said...

I hate those emails. Sorry you had to deal with one.

Mamma said...

They just don't bother reading. Stupid spammers.

Issas Crazy World said...

Dang, you go girl. Ok, that sounded drag queenish but oh well.

I think sometimes people believe that being adopted means more than it needs too. Like somehow, that child or parent will have issues later on. Like if they don't than it wasn't a real adoption and (or) they must be repressing issues. Because shit, people can't just be happy and normal. My bff gets told all the time that she needs to let her issues come to the surface about her adoption....whatever that's supposed to mean. But really, she always knew she was adopted and she never knew anything but that....so its normal for her.

Oh Trader Joes, I miss Trader Joes. And wine, I so miss wine.

ps. love beyond belief that you told that person that your blog wasn't for them. You've got balls my friend. I need to take lessons.

Daniella said...

Ugh - do not know what else to say. Love the last line of this post. I love your blog and not because I am adopting.

TBG Happenings said...

Amen!

Glad to see that I am not the only one who has attended "chinese adoption" events and felt....well like it wasn't the right fit for our family!!

Your friends advice was perfect!

I have had only one person say something about China adoption that ticked me off....but I had PMS...it is quite possible that I made more of it than it really needed to....

We all like you just the way you are ( and that includes your blog!!)

carrie said...

Oh man Kristin, I am so sorry someone felt it appropriate to approach you (via email or whatever) that way.

I think you're doing a great job focusing on the sameness, not the differences, and I totally admire you for that. Why constantly remind a child that he/she is adopted? (Bracing myself for the slew of people saying "you don't know what the hell you are talking about, you aren't adopted and neither are your kids!"). Well, tell you what, my 2 nieces are and we don't run around all day telling them how "different" they are than their other sibling and friends and family. And they are 2 of the most well-adjusted China adoptees you will ever meet (besides Eva, of course). Just like I don't point out all the different ways my kids were born every day, oh there is a survivors of c-sections group, or maybe kids who were born w/an ectodermal defect? Why?

Sorry for the rant. Obviously I care a lot about this and just want to say that you, YOU are fab. Your family is fab, and you blog about what you want. Screw the rest. :) Love ya!

carrie said...

Just one more thing, I realize how important honoring one's heritage is, and doing that (I feel) is COMPLETELY different than focusing on being different every single day of one's life.

Okay, going now . . .

Lisa and Tate said...

WOW... well said. I come to your blog for entertainment and fun. You happily satisfy this for me. I do love seeing pictures of the kids too.

Kristin said...

I think that maybe Eva has it "easier" in some ways in terms of "cultural identity" in that my mother's husband in Chinese... through him she has nothing but Chinese aunties and uncles and cousins... it makes for a very easy and very real way for her to experience that side or part of her...

Rach said...

I have to agree, all those events don't make the difference, but having another person that they can connect with throughout life does. My daughter gets together with one of her friends who was also born in China. They are mostly just 2 friends playing, but when they are older, they may be more of a support for each other too. Same for our son born in Guatemala. It is what you make of it. The kids take the lead from the parents. If ALL you focus on is that they are different somehow instead of another special part of the family (like their other siblings), they will take it that way. Most times, kids just want to be part of the group and not singled out.

As far as the blog, its your blog! You write the way you want and its fabulous!!!

Anonymous said...

wow, i still find it hard to believe (not being a blogger) people feel it is their place to tell you how to live, let alone what to write. i come to your blog to read funny stories, smile and sometimes learn a thing or two (like food before wine, not to buy a dog until my children are out of diapers). i thought eva was from laguna beach? (that is still my most fav response!)

nicki

furiousBall said...

there is an abundance of bad advice out there and a slightly larger abundance of people who feel that it is their duty to share the stupid

CDJ said...

I am baffled by people who do this sort of thing. If you don't like what someone has to say on their blog, don't read it. Reading all the BlogHer recaps I've been struck by how invested people become in people they "don't like" because they don't like how they present themselves on their blog. And now this... some people just need to get a life!

Anonymous said...

This is crazy? You got called out for what you don't blog about?

Doesn't even make sense!

Anne Marie said...

Yeah, well, other people have already said it, but this is *your* blog, your space. I think people get confused -- they somehow think that because a blog is publicly available, you have some sort of responsibility to play to random members of the public. And even if you were experiencing issues as a biracial family, why on earth would you be required to share that with the world? Sheesh!

Kristin said...

I think there are a lot of good points in these comments... people do feel "entitled" to certain information... even if that information isn't a reality for the blogger...

Like cdj said, there is a perception of who/what a blogger should be and, weird as this is, it can be a personal let down for the some readers.

Anonymous said...

um, Eva's adopted??

Anonymous said...

oh, sorry,

from Jenn

Amy Y said...

I don't get why people feel the need to tell other people how to live their lives... Obviously deciding to adopt a child from another country was not something you (or anyone) and your family took lightly. Obviously you're doing everything in your power to give your child a normal upbringing. I just don't understand why someone thought it was Ok to offer you unsolicited advise or criticism?
Sometimes I think people are assholes. ;)

Perrin said...

Oh brother, there are some weird ones out there. Well said, by the way...as usual.

Los said...

Wow, what a downer ... there are all kinds of people in the world, and sadly, all kinds use the internet and e-mail, too. Hopefully, they are a very small percentage, though.

Lawyer Mama said...

Wow. Awfully ballsy of someone to email you about that! Like it's any of their business.

Love the way you handled it!

jennie said...

GOOD FOR YOU. A blog does not have to be for everyone, and neither does someone else's life. Your choices are for you and your family.

I think you write about a lot of issues that I can relate to. Namely - laundry and wine.

Keep it up.

Jason said...

Isn't it interesting how people sometimes try to make something in your life a big issue when it really just isn't? And they don't understand how it possibly isn't?

I get that sort of thing a lot, coming from a less than traditional family situation, and our adopted baby who has two dads.

Kayce said...

Mean people suck.

I so love your blog girl. For me, an mom waiting to adopt, you give it to me the way I want it, real.

Don't stop being you.

Retro Girl said...

This post was so well put...even though we are not there yet (still in-wait) I agree with you---I think sometimes many folks (agency/clients/parents/groups) try to make so much more out of "what might happen"...every child is different and so is every family.

I think it's just important to not over do it. Sounds like you're doing a terrific job and have a very happy well-adjusted child. I admire you! :-)

Gracencameronsmomy said...

This is why I love you. Very well put.

Shelley said...

Holy crappa - Okay, I go away for a week and look at all the fun you're having. :)

Seriously sistah, nice response. Couldn't have said it better.

Anon emailer: Done. Move on.

rubyiscoming said...

God, I heart you. Well put - bravo!

To all the sanctimonious peeps - enough with the faux "concern" - sheesh!

Stephanie said...

As usual, a great post - well written and STRAIGHT to the point!