Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Smackdown - Life in the Real OC

Dear Neighbors,

Wow, that is some big remodel you are planning. And, let's be sure we understand that we are using "remodel" in the broadest sense of the word... like, Pam Anderson has "big" boobs or Nicole Ritchie sure is "thin"... yes, qualifiers, but maybe words like "enormous" and "sickly" are better choices. Just as "altar to ego monstrosity" is probably a truer description of your house plans.

Currently, you dwell in about 3,ooo sq. feet. That's a pretty big house. Apparently, you all hate each other because you are looking for an additional 3,000 ... including the cat, that gives each member of your family approximately 1,000 sq. ft. in which to avoid each other.

I am certainly not here to tell you that you can't have a house that big, (I'll save that diatribe for the Design Review meeting,) but I am here to express my hot hates for you and people like you who feel that what they want is all that matters... you live in a neighborhood folks and when you roll in with your plans (and please be aware that I emailed your architect this morning) for a Cape Cod on steroids, well, it's more than tacky, it's greedy. Not to mention I have no desire to live as though I am in the shadow of My Lord's Palace. Because I like to see the sky. Also, I am claustrophobic.

It makes me sad because I realize that this community which I love is becoming more and more infested with people like yourself...the car, the plastic surgery, the phrase "multi-millionaire"... (who knew you could find so many ways to work that into a conversation?) and the prevailing attitude that money can and should get you anything you want and fuck everyone else. Why consider others when you have the money to do as you please?

And let's be clear... you don't have quite enough money for that...

You may be the final straw for our family. However, right now we just look forward to slapping your ass back to the drafting table.

Hugs,

Your Neighbors to the East.

38 comments:

carrie said...

Thank god you have the proper channels with which to deal with the egomaniacs next door. I can't imagine if there were no "design review board" Whew!

Now, if you could just come to my cul-de-sac and get my neighbors to take in their garbage cans before the next garbage day rolls around . . . a week later, I'd be one happy chica!

Carrie

Kevin Charnas said...

YEAHHH!!! YOU FUCKERS!!! WHAT KRISTIN SAID!

It makes me sick, SICK! There's actually a developer from LA who's trying like mad to break through conservation plans to develop "Naples" up north of here on the pristine Gaviota coast. The houses would start, START at 20,000 sq ft. 20,000!!!! WHAT???

It's happening all over Santa Barbara too. The mesa, which has all of these great cape cods, well...they're just being dwarfed. And it's disgusting.

More, more, more, bigger, bigger, bigger - it hasn't been cool since the 80's.

Tuesday Girl said...

That is the same thing in NJ. Anyone with money wants to build some huge Mcmansion on any property they can find. These houses have no yards but people keep buying them up!

Christina_the_wench said...

Isn't the economy bad? Am I missing something? Or is that just for us po folks here in the Midwest? Everyone in my sub is selling right now. I can't comprehend this concept of upgrading...

something blue said...

With their new luxurious space maybe they could move the trampoline inside!

But I do hope you still get to see the sky after they are through building their eyesore.

Jenn said...

The house next to my parents is turning into a huge monstrosity as well.....they are popping up all over the place....and they are ugly too.

Lisa and Tate said...

Some people are so insecure with who they are that they just need to booster up their egos with material things...So Sad.



Lisa

Oh, The Joys said...

Um...where are Seth and Ryan? Heh.

Lisa said...

Good lord. I know what you mean. The town we moved from last year was like that. Actually the homes were so expensive, everyone would add on. ANd there would only be 6 feet of yard on each side. Some people did this so they wouldn't have to cut grass and rake leaves. Gah!

Fortunately, the neighborhood I live in now isn't like that. Course the builder built the homes practically on top of each other, but still...

I hope you send their butts back to the drawing board. Because Gah. How tacky on their part!

Don't you just want to scream at them, THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN MONEY, YOU MORON!"

Eric said...

Bummer. Your predicament reminds me of a scene in "Friends with Money," which was in almost all respects a pretty bad movie. Assuming your neighbors go ahead with their plans you can always hope it plays out for your neighbors like it did in the movie; that is, their marriage falls apart (when Catherine Keener realizes her husband is a selfish asshole) and then the project gets called off when Catherine Keener has an awakening of sorts and sends all the workers home.

Good luck!

Melissa said...

Oh hell no. 6,ooo square feet? Who needs that much room? And if you do, go and buy a house that already has that. Although the "no desire to live as though I am in the shadow of My Lord's Palace" is possibley the funniest sentence I've read in ages. I am laughing my ass off over here.

Maybe you need to move to my neighborhood. We are nice peeps.

Jill said...

Who cleans places like that? OK, sure a cleaning lady might help, but unless you have permanent live-in help, I just can't figure out how it gets done. I'll take character over square feet anyday.

Jodi said...

Holy Crap, 6000 sq feet is A LOT. And it does make me wonder who cleans that huge of a house? And do the kids get lost in there? Hell, I would get lost in there. Goodness.

You need to move to my neighborhood. We have lots of small houses, ahem modulars, w/big yards and a TON of character. :)

Shelley said...

Holy cow. How fricken inconsiderate.

Sorry you have to go though that, but sounds like you'll at least get the satisfaction of messing with them a bit. :)

Marmite Breath (Nat) said...

I think you should buy a double wide and park it in your front yard. That would ROCK! Put it up on blocks too.

And if they want such a big house, why not buy more land and go do that out in the country? Or is there no countryside where you are?

I'm worried about selling our house next year--there are so many new houses being built, and people want NEW NEW NEW and they'll pay $250K for some tiny but NEW box to live in, whereas they could buy my lovely character-filled 4 bedroom for MUCH less!

I'll now accept my award for longest and most nonsensical sentence. Thank you.

*bows*

Stephanie said...

I certainly could have written that post living in my uppity NJ town. One of my daughter's playmates from preschool just moved into a new house. Apparently the old, 3,000 sf house with gourmet kitchen wasn't up to their living standards. That's ok though, since they just moved into a 10,000 sf, four car garage monstrosity. Only cost $3.5 million. Oh, and taxes? A meesly $40,000 a year.
Hey, I'm all for living the american dream, but I too believe this is just excess.

Lisa & Jeff said...

Thank God for the design review meeting!!!!!

Los said...

The guy must have a small penis, right? He probably has a heinously big expensive car that gets 2 miles to the gallon. It's called overcompensation - just call him "Millimeter Peter."

InterstellarLass said...

Oy. I can't imagine having that much space to CLEAN!

InterstellarLass said...

Oh wait, duh, if he's a muli-millionaire, they have a maid. Silly me.

Recovering Wino said...

Wow...that's amazing..they can't get that approval through, can they?

Glinda said...

you know what they say,

Palatial palace = paltry penis...;)

Mrs. Chicky said...

That's right, you slap their ass back to their 3000 sq. ft house. Keep fighting the good fight!

denise said...

see its that kind of thing that makes me steer clear of my neighbors.

sunshine scribe said...

You fight em Kristen.

Sounds dreadful!

Susie Sunshine said...

Maybe she's expecting quintuplets?

Come live by me!

s@bd said...

Why do I live up here in the middle of nowhere, again?

OH YEAH.

rubyiscoming said...

classic - your neighbors should move to south florida where one can build out an entire lot with a monstrosity and save but a postage stamp yard to "mow" in about .17 seconds!

Bonnie B said...

Wow you certainly know how to tel them-- cheers to you!

sweatpantsmom said...

We have several of these McMansions going up in our neighborhood, too. Awful.

But what really scares me is my youngest loves them, and always says, "Why can't WE have a house like that?" whenever we drive by one.

I think she's being paid off by the developers, or she really WAS switched at birth.

Kristen said...

can you come here and get the brats of the neighborhood to stop throwing their trash in my yard and over my fence- and tell everyone that BULK TRASH DAY is Monday- leave your things at the curb on Sunday- not Thursday, not Friday, not saturday. SUNDAY.

Dana said...

Sounds like they are making a "remodel mess" over there?

I hope they keep things in order so the neighbors don't have to suffer!

Princess in Galoshes said...

Just think of how much they'll have to pay to HEAT the place. heh heh. And air condition it.

(If it ever gets that big. Which hopefully it won't!)

holly said...

McMansions; it's the American way anymore. Over consumption to the max.
Yet there are people who don't even have a pillow to lay their heads on at night.
Will it ever stop???

hautemama said...

You know what they say, the bigger the ego the bigger the house.

Altho I think if you work hard, why not have your dream home?

Becky said...

that sucks. when we 1st moved in our house they were still building in our development and i hated all the noise and flat tires that came along with it

Stephanie A. said...

It really is sad that these people feel like they're never going to be "enough." In fact, so many in our culture feel like what they have or don't have defines them. I know that it is easy to go along with this mentality, but at some point it has to be utterly exhausting to be these people. Why isn't it enough to just make the space where you live pleasant?

Good luck, K. I know you'll get your point across to these folks.

mothergoosemouse said...

People TALK about being multimillionaires? Oy.

Do they really have enough acreage to expand like that? There's got to be some building codes that restrict such ridiculous plans.

Plus, do they know that you don't WANT to have the biggest house in the neighborhood? You bring up everybody else's property values, but not your own.