Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The Happiest F**king Place On Earth

Or, how we took our children to Disneyland and our daughter lost her shoes which led to her being barred from the bumper cars in Bug's Land.


Maybe the brown havaianas weren't the best idea...

Do you think inappropriate footwear as a toddler leads to poor shoe choices as an adult? Do you think this hooker young lady was the victim of stupid flip flops as a 2 year old?

Before I leap into tales-from-the-weekend, let me just thank all of you for your supportive comments... truly, you have more faith in me than I have in myself and just maybe, that is all we really need... knowing that others believe in us and our abilities. I kept calling Hugh all afternoon and doing my Sally Field, "You like me!" impersonation.

Debbie, who is quite possibly one of the best writers floating around the Internet, sent me the most encouraging email of all time and if she thinks that I haven't saved it in a folder where I can, when in need of a pick me up, read it from time to time, well... let's just say she would be wrong.

So, the meeting was very meeting-ish and there was talk of money (as in, how much money would you like) and travel (uh, no thanks) and many articles about fun things like wine, women and song, and how, as a person who leads this lifestyle (Lordy... already, I lie to the boss) I am just the right-o gal for the job. But sadly, Snakes! got tabled until the warmer months.

But, enough of me and the job for which I am not qualified ready for... let's talk about the weekend...

We decided, apparently while drunk and asleep, that we should take the kids to Disneyland on Friday. And my use of "we" is such a lie. It was all me. I decided. It's my fault. And it was fun. Totally fun. But, ohsoveryveryexhausting. Look, I am so tired Ican'tevenspacemywords.

Hugh and I have never had the All Access Disney passes and have been telling our kids, the magic of it all is lost if you can go whenever you want. Which is actually code for: Mom and Dad can't handle the House of Mouse more than once a year...well, fuck that noise. I am so getting the damn passes because trying to do both parks (because you "have" to buy the hopper ticket which includes CA Adventure) is nothing short of a major pain in the arse and, no matter how small the crowds, it basically boils down to one ride an hour.

Eva was out of her small mind with excitment. Minnie! Mickey! Lights! Noise! Over stimulus!

Disneyland is currently an homage to Pirates of the Carribbean. Complete with handsome but very fey Jack Sparrow wandering around to thrill the moms children... there are also a fair amount of hormonally driven teenage girls who trawl the Park in their personal wench-ware... I can't decide if I find the big silent animated characters or the real human ones more frightening... I mean, we walked in and were greeted by Cruella DeVille, but her wig was bad and she was sort of sweating off the pancake makeup and quite frankly, the shoes were all wrong and she looked more like someone who pulled together a last minute costume on Halloween to wear to her stupid company's employee costume party and she only opted from Cruella because her crazy downstairs neighbor has a faux dalmation print bed throw that she can borrow and use as a cape.

But then, a big animated Pooh Bear with a honey pot hat lumbering around is no box of chocolates either. Especially as Pooh wears no pants and the average child's head hits right at Pooh's non-existent junk.

Hugh and Chad pulled a my two dads and took Eva off to the Jungle Cruise while Jen and I got stuck were lucky enough to go on Splash Mountain with it's 50 friggin foot drop and where, just as you plummet to your very possible death, the nasty folks at Disneyland take your picture and try to entice you to purchase, with real American dollars, a snapshot of your open and screaming mouth to document your survival...

Give me the Enchanted Tiki Room... where the birdies play and the flowers bloom... ooh, sorry.

& omg, I have been writing this entry for seriously like 2 days and blogger apparently hates me and the children! Oh the children with their needs for milk and trimmed fingernails... if this gets published before the next month without an "r" it will be a miracle...

Did I mention Eva's G-hetto hair? It bugs the ever living hell out of Daisy that I am not prissier about Eva's appearance. Let me be clear and tell you that I let Eva dress herself... Daisy does not. Daisy would rather be cut off at the knees than show up at the park with that child looking anything less than turned out in model perfection. The striped tights and the ankle boots? They don't happen on the nanny's watch.



What does happen is this... a festive hairdo and Mouse love...







37 comments:

Connie said...

You never fail to make me crack up.

What a weekend you got yourself into.

Oh, and I for one, LOVE the ghetto hair.

InterstellarLass said...

Lordy. I remember when my parents dropped a small fortune to take us to Florida and Disney Land/World/Whatever. I was 18. My sister was 7. Who do you think had more fun, considering there was no Captain Jack to drool over.

How does one lose one's shoes? Aren't they supposed to be on feet?

Mel said...

"Pooh's non-existent junk"
... is the best. sentence. ever. in the history of the Universe.
And yeah, Debbie rocks!

MonkeyDragon said...

oh, the whole place gives me hives -

but then I am not much one for crowds and being followed by junkless characters

sunshine scribe said...

I'm with Mel on the best sentence ever.

What a weekend!?!

jennster said...

i LOVE disneyland and miss it so much it makes my heart hurt. always get a pass.. ALWAYS- they work out to be cheaper and it is a great place to go when you're bored. you know, if you're ever bored. you ALWAYS have something to do. something that kicks ass!!!!!!!!!
ps- how the fuck did she lose her shoes?

Recovering Wino said...

We're thinking about going to Disney soon, but you quite possibly talked me out of it.

It's kind of like childbirth: you forget how much pain it is until you have to go through it again.

lildb said...

fuck that noise, indeed.

also, awwww, shucks. *you're one of the best writers around*, not me. that was the point of the email, too.

anyway. I think Eva is a luscious babe with that hair. and I heart mismatched gear. Eva's headed for my fav. reality show if she keeps it up (and that would be the only sane one I've ever seen, i.e. Project Runway).

Los said...

I remember my parents taking me to Disneyworld when I was three ... that's righ, some things that important and fine really do stick with you.

Princess in Galoshes said...

That's hilarious!!!

And I love the Ghet-to hair. Next time you need to add some nice, flourescent 80s barrettes to complete the image. ;-)

Melissa said...

Oh I love this post. Ah Disneyland, the happiest place on earth, where all parents wonder what drug they were slipped that made them go to this place. We do it once a year or so and we do the park hopper, but we also try and stay for two days. Then you can actually do it all. I love Eva's hair and the explaination about the clothes.

Um...how did she lose her shoes? Oh and congrats on the new gig. Don't forget about us lowely non-paying folks, Ok?

Kevin Charnas said...

THOSE BASTARDS AND THE TIKI ROOM!!! IS IT GONE? IS IT? THOSE BLASTED FUCKERS!!! MICKEY'S DEAD! I'M GONNA KILL HIM AND THAT SLUT MINNIE!!!

i love the Tiki Room. why'd they have to do that?

give me ghetto hair anytime. LOVE Eva's hair...

and I'm sorry about the job, Kristin...Sorry, baby...

carrie said...

A festive hairdo and mouse love is enough to make a chaotic trip to Disneyland all worth it!!

Carrie

Kristin said...

Kevin-

No No No... the Tiki Room is still up and still fabulous and belive you me if they had closed it I would have titled this post: Disney Sucks Eggs!!!!

Also, the job is fine... pinkie swear.

Tori said...

Thanks for not inviting me... you know how I hate/loathe/abhor DL... the suckiest place on earth.

I love Eva's hair. Yay Daisy. She's so excited to have a girl to dress. For so long you only had boring boys!

Kisses Tori

Oh, The Joys said...

It does seem to take HUGE energy on our part to wear them out...but it is so worth it!

Kim M. said...

All I can say is nothing "bad" happens in disney! It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all. I'm surprise there hasn't been a worker there who hasn't lost it!

Hey what's up with the heels? I've always wondered why woman think this is the right choice of footwear at an amusement park.

Jodi said...

Disneyland does serve liquor don't they??!?!?!? that's the only way you could get me to go there. :)

And I left a message on Mamarrazzi in defense of you. Some people seriously have got to LIGHTEN up. Myword....I have had it up to here today (I am motioning to the top of my head) with holier than thou women. GRRRRR.

Angry Dad said...

You always have such amazing adventures! I tried to convince the guys I was with to go to Disneyland on Sunday of this week, but we ended up going to the freak show on Venice Beach instead! (which was still pretty cool)

patricia said...

why did you wear those shoes at disney? my boss almost let me take she boys to disney cuz she says people gets mad at her for smoking up their kids at disney world. Then she decided the think she couldnt trust me. I was like fine. whatever. notice how mostly it is famlies at disney? not that much nannies. i never saw a post on http://isawyournanny.blogspot.com/ bout disney world. lol.

Christina_the_wench said...

I am exhausted FOR you. Her hair is da bomb. Don't go changin'....

Kristin said...

Eva lost her shoes because I was foolish and let her skip out of the house in flip flops... all my fault!

As for the chick in the crazy high heels...well, we were fascinated by her... it seems like the weirdest/dumbest decision ever to prance around Disneyland in a pair of 3" patent leather shoes...

Becky said...

aww that was a great pic. and those shoes---i saw them at target. and i wanted them. FOR WORK! not for freakin disney land!

tp said...

Is the Tiki Room in it's original and untampered state in Disneyland? Because they ruined it here in Disneyworld. They added that smartass Diego and some other stupid bird and took all the lovely kitschyness right out of it.

Tara

wzgirl said...

So, honestly, how long did the Ghetto hair last? Love it. And, mouse-ears off to you for making the trip. Myself? Well, I dread the day that I have to make the trip to DLand -- just not a fan.

Domestic Chicky said...

Hubby and I had passes BC (before children)and it was great. No pressure to ride everything in one day, hopping over for dinner and a couple of rides...perfect!
The last time we went was in May, and the boys were 3 and almost 1. It was hot, we were signed in, and we felt compelled to stay as late as possible, and ride every ride we could. It was exhausting. But I would get passes again, just because it takes all that pressure of "everything, NOW!" off of your day.

Pooh's bits...Hee!

kim said...

I used to chaperone busloads of about 40 12-16 yr old newspaper carriers on overnight disneyland trips .. was i brave or what ?? (young and obviously medicated)

eva is adorable ... and her loves her mickey.. i predict many more trips, better get that pass :)

Colleen said...

Don't you always see women at the Land o' Mouse who have dressed like they were going dancing instead? Wishful thinking on their part, I'm sure.

I will be at Disneyland next Friday. Maybe I should wear a patch over one eye to blend in.

Ann said...

YOu are so effin funny. But I seriously love the 50 foot drop, just so I can buy the photo of us looking like total dweebs, that's part of the fun. You mean you didn't buy it so you could post it for us all. We all need a good laugh once in a while. You're little darlin' looks so sweet exhausted and all. And how did she loose her shoes?

Jenny said...

"Pooh's non-existent junk"

I snorted from laughing so hard.

Pendullum said...

My sister in law used to work for Manolo Blahnik and she used to wear 6 inch heels on the beach at our cottage...
Could not believe it... We would be at a cottage roughing it and there she would be sasheying down the dock with a mini skirt and those shoes... I must admit I had a bit of glee as she struggled to walk in the sand...

Funny I have only been to Disneyworld and the place is lacks all villans... only the good guys...
I would have liked to seee a desparate Cruella Deville... But then It is just my evil inner self coming through...

Pooh's non-existant junk??? i think you should go into their next Board meeting at Disney and see if you can have that phrase trademarked..

Gen said...

First, the Tiki Room and Small World creep me out big time. Perhaps if they served Tiki drinks in the Tiki Room it wouldn't be so bad.

Second, you will be fab at the job.

Third, wasn't the name of Jude Law's infamous nanny named Daisy? Hmmm???

Oh poor Eva with her ghetto hair and no shoes - sounds like she had a blast ;)

Stephanie A. said...

I love Eva's hair!

High-heel girl must have ankles of steel. I wouldn't have made it out of the parking lot in those shoes!

And you are a most excellent writer and I'm so glad you got this new job. You will bring a whole slew of color to their otherwise beige world.

Occidental Girl said...

Thank you for making me think of Pooh Bear's nonexistant junk! That killed me. What a way to start the day.

Oh my god, woman, you are so brave to do the Disney. My daughter is five and I keep saying, "When you're older" becuase the one ride per hour thing, the waiting thing, and the tiny bladder of my dear one.....

Oy!

Occidental Girl said...

Thank you for making me think of Pooh Bear's nonexistant junk! That killed me. What a way to start the day.

Oh my god, woman, you are so brave to do the Disney. My daughter is five and I keep saying, "When you're older" becuase the one ride per hour thing, the waiting thing, and the tiny bladder of my dear one.....

Oy!

Jenn said...

Lovin the hair!

Sounds like fun, kinda....I've never been....but I'm sure I'll be dragged one day ;)

oh yea and THOSE SHOES would still live in the store if it were up to me....let alone walking around disney land...sheesh.

Lisa said...

That little woman is Ghetto-fabulous, yo. heehee.

SHe's beautiful. Sounds like a wild weekend. And congrats on your new gig. So happy and excited for you! You are a fun, fabulous, feisty woman. Its no surprise they wanted you to write for them. Shows they have good taste!