Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Snakes! On a Golf Course!

Seriously, the above is the title of my first article. Have I told you anything about my new J.O.B.? If you belong to any of the following: country/golf/yacht/city club, chances are that it will be coming to an email/mailbox near you in December.

Yes. I write about "Lifestyle" for swanky people... and I am starting off with Snakes! On a Golf Course! Which, I have to tell you, I thought was friggin' hysterical and I was secretly pleased with myself and my ability to relate Pop Culture to a subject matter that has been done. to. death. by the all the good people at dull sporting magazines. My editor was all, "Um... don't get it." So I was put in the awkward position of trying to explain the joke and he was sort of like, "Well, we want you to write like you do in your blog, so OK."

Cool Beans!

Today we meet and discuss things like salary. I haven't had a job in over 10 years. After Hugh and I got married I worked on the production side of commercials for several months until I realized that I hated the hours and the intensity and the constant slimeballs who would say, "What are you doing on this side of the camera? You should be the talent... call me and we'll talk about it." And I would be standing their gobsmacked with some more important person's latte in my hand and realize that HOLY SHIT the casting couch still exists.

I freelanced most of my jobs, but worked rather consistently for one particular company. Well, not being sure if I wanted to stay independent I thought I would look into getting hired on somewhere and off I went to meet with this big shot producer and lalalala, I am 24, people are nice to me... lalalala...fairies and unicorns...

I walk into his office and there is shit everywhere... not a surface in sight and Mr. Big-Shot tells me to take a seat. II sort of move some piles off one chair and perch carefully lest any sudden movement cause an avalanche of books and scripts and treatments to topple off their stacks and render me senseless. We chat a little and he asks me if I can work a particular computer program. Not very well, I tell him. I have used it a little, but I would be happy to take a weekend course and learn it.

Listen girlie, I can give any monkey the keys to my car and eventually he's going to be able to turn it on. I don't need a monkey, I need someone who can work.

I stood up, thanked him for his time and walked out. I mean honestly where else was there to go?

Graduate school. I went into production a confident and excited young woman... I left feeling as though I was nothing more than a piece of ass. Someone to be flirted with, ordered around, spoken to as though I was an idiot... a stupid girl. The experience changed things for me and I was more than happy to run back to the hallowed halls of academia... because asshole professors and pervy TA's are something I can handle.

So here I am, many moons later and someone wants to pay me for what has essentially been a hobby... I feel out of my depth, scared to be found out that I am some sort of one trick pony and that within a few months the general feeling is going to be one of how the hell do we get rid of Miss Snakes?

40 comments:

Gracencameronsmomy said...

You will do great! You are an excellent writer(and hilarious!)
Lisa

Mel said...

You're great. You are awesome. And just because the glitzy (fauxtzy?) Hollywood wish-I-wases didn't see your value, that doesn't mean that your value isn't there.
And you are an awesome AWESOME writer.
And snakes on a muthafu**in' golf course is hysterical.

jennster said...

woo hoo! that is awesome! i am so pysched for you! FUN FUN FUN-

ps- nice tits

Oh, The Joys said...

Sounds like newbie jitters. You'll be great and they'll bow down and worship at the altar of you.

Ninotchka said...

Nah. Just do your thang and see where it takes you. I think you'll do great.

Nikki said...

Kristen

you'll be great, you'll be great.

Stop stressing.

You have great flair and style in your writting.

You don't think they read just one post and decided to offer you a job do you?

NOOOOOOOOOO. They think you're great too.

Kristi said...

Sweet. Paid to write...what kind of craziness is going on here? That's nuts.

And you're a sell-out.

Kidding...good luck. You know I'm just jealous. :)

Joannah said...

I'm sure you will do great!

That's why I left the business world and went into teaching. The chauvinism in the "real world" is disturbing. Kids are much better to work for!

:-)

Recovering Wino said...

I am so jealous! Good luck to you, even though you are a swanky snob writer now:)

Still waiting on the chicken salad...

f. said...

As a male, I want to go on record as never having compared a potential employee to a monkey.

Connie said...

Seing what I've seen of your writing...you can't miss!

Woohoo :0)

Snakes on the golf course? Maybe later you can do a story on an anaconda under the sheets (yeah, I think I'm funny ;0)

eastcoastermomma said...

OMG!!! Jennster's comment cracked me up!

carrie said...

Don't worry, they will love you and they wouldn't have hired you otherwise -- even though you're a "hot chick"! ;0) Plus, you're a fab writer to boot!

Carrie

ps. This is how smart I am, I thought you were being paid over at Mamarazzi for your writing, I'm a dork!

Kristin said...

HA! None of the nonesense from the early years had anything to do with being any sort of hot chick... it had everything to do with the general way men in that particular profession behave!

But, thanks for the thought. ;-)

lildb said...

nu-uh. no, they won't.

can you just trust me, erm, us on this one?

seriously. you rule. I don't just say that to everyone.

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

That is so fantastic. Enjoy. Everything will work itself out. As they say in the newspaper biz, just write good stories and the rest will take care of itself.

Lisa

P.S. Can you post a copy of the article after it runs first in the other mag? It sounds High larious.

Los said...

For what it's worth, I enjoy your blog - your sense of humor, and the way you write. Not sure if it will go over in the "posh" world or not, but if it doesn't - then they really are out of touch.

Colleen said...

You're going to do great. We all don't show up at your blog because of your cute pic (well, some people might!). We come for your hilarious writing and insight.

mollymcmommy said...

i say get those mofo snakes off the golf course :)

m

Jill said...

Is it bad that I laughed at the monkey driving a car comment?

Anyway, "Snakes! On a Golf Course!" is a great title.

BTW: Love your mamarazzi site. I was totally sated with my babyrazzi fix, but now I have to add mamarazzi to my list of celeb gossip sites. That Tomkat post - hysterical.

InterstellarLass said...

Hollywood sounds like a nasty place.

At least it's not Gators on a Golf Course! You will do AWESOME.

Kristen said...

Wow did he really say "Listen girlie" and call you a monkey??

If you can deal with that crap you can do anything. Plus, I read your blog and you're awesome. You'll do GREAT!

Shelley said...

Kristin, you're going to do great! You're a great writer, and I have confidence in you.

Shelley said...

P.S. - I like the title.

Kristin said...

Oh Minnehaha Mama-

If I only I could take credit for the TomKat post! That one was done by the lovely Lindsey of "Suburban Turmoil"... I am merely the Mamarazzi of Tuesdays.

Pendullum said...

Kristin!!!!!!

You are a SUPAAAAA STAAAAHHHH!!!
Don't forget it...

We all Love you out in bloggerland and can not wait to read about the snakes at the golf course....

hautemama said...

You are all "that". Don't deny it honey! I knew there would be sequels like snakes on a bus, train, etc ha!

Angry Dad said...

I'm sure you'll do excellently!

Who else can relate so well to the world around them with brave new witty insights for the travelled and world weary reader, and noxious venom for those idiots who abound the hallowed halls of the web (and the casting couch!)?!

Maybe you should do a follow up article.. "Snake... In that man's pants... And, my god, he's got one and is one..."

Lotta said...

Very talented stuff!

kim said...

They liked your blog ... they liked the way you write and your sense of humor, Im sure they will adore you like we do *hugs*

PS: LOL @ f.

Kristin said...

Snakes on a golf course. Makes me want to not want to walk on grass ever again, esp. not with brown and cream tasseled shoes, which I hate. Also: you will be fab.

Mrs. Chicky said...

WhooHoo!! You'll be great! If you write like you do on your blog everyone will come to love your new column.

(btw, I thought Snakes! On a Golf Course! was terribly witty.)

mothergoosemouse said...

I think you are fabulous for walking out on that asshole producer who insulted you, way back when. And it sounds like you still have those cojones, which will serve you well.

What happened with the bikes?!?

Kim M. said...

You are going to do a great job! You'll have them all eating out of your hand before no time. Look at how all of us hang on your every word. You just have what it takes!!!!

Occidental Girl said...

Of course you feel that way at first, doing something you love that comes easily for you. Doesn't mean you're not extremely talented and right for the job.

Go with it, let it grow on you. It'll feel normal soon. Good for you!

Snakes on a Golf Course is awesome!

KAT said...

That's so awesome about your job. I wish I got paid to write. Oh wait, I do... but it's about boring stuff like town meetings and tax increases. You're living the dream, my dear!
By the way, I think Snakes on a Golf Course is a great title. I totally get it... and what is wrong with your editor that he missed the months and months of promotion for Snakes on a Plane? I even got a phone call from Samuel L. Jackson asking me to go see it!

Kristi said...

Alrighty Kristin...5 days without a post. What are we, too busy for our "charity" writing? What with our "paid" writing?

Izzy said...

Hey! I was a Comm major with a concentration in production and mass media. As for your new gig, who cares if it's derived from a hobby? You're funny and talented and they appreciate how you write and don't want you to change a thing. I think that sounds like a DREAM job and you're going to do great!

Mommy off the Record said...

Yay you!! Congrats on the new gig. You will be fabulous. You ARE fabulous. They were lucky to snag you.

Lena said...

Soooo exciting! Does a rinky dink little tennis/golf club count? Fingers crossed.