When I started this blog my intention was to use it as a vehicle to keep family and friends updated as to the happenings in our household. I thought I would post lots of photos of the kids with captions such as, "Jake got an 'A' on his pueblo model" and "Eva sure is growing quickly"... a blog that read more like an ongoing Christmas letter... annoying to everyone except my own mother.
However, I instead found that I liked the writing end of blogging (despite my atrocious punctuation) and I enjoyed sharing my life with other people... people that I now consider friends and at one time I may just have looked at you sideways if you suggested that I would befriend people inside the computer box... I am thrilled when I get a comment on something I have posted... I love when new people come and then return and I admit to looking for my regular readers (my mom, my brother and my very nice sister in law... thanks guys!).
I enjoy the hell out of reading other blogs and am amazed at the amount of sheer talent floating around on the web... for every Dooce or Amalah (btw: I read them both, daily), I can name you 5 or more equally thoughtful, funny and sympathetic writers... I read blogs over my morning coffee and I check the same ones daily... hoping for a new post.
This post was born by an anonymous email that I received today that just said: "I love your blog. I think you are a really funny writer." It couldn't have come at a better time.
I have to backtrack and just tell you that I am not having a good afternoon. My morning was adorable what with Eva's first dance class (Hi! Family newsletter!) and lunch with my girlfriend Nicki and her daughter, Audrey. However, the past 2 hours have been basically a big fat fight with my husband and I am tired and I have a headache and I feel utterly defeated.
As a mother I admit to ALWAYS putting myself last. Unfortunately, this becomes a pattern the rest of the family can also fall into... and I find, lately, that I am just not really heard. I have a nanny, but that nanny time is so that I can do things with and for the boys... or, so the house can be clean and I can do things with and for Eva... it is so easy to really lose sight of yourself and begin to not see yourself as anything more than the means to the ends for the people in your family. I spend my days thinking about everyone else... I buy the cereal one child wants, the fruit another likes, the salad dressing my husband prefers and the food for the dogs.
I coordinate doctor appointments and playdates and sports. I work to keep a balance between fun and schoolwork and I monitor the homework, quiz people on spelling words and sing baby songs in Chinese and Spanish. I run the retreat program at my sons' school because they love having me on campus and I know they won't feel that way forever. I sit on the board of our Parent Guild and I chair a committee every year for the annual fundraiser.
My whole life is about meeting the needs of others. Mostly to my enjoyment and my fulfillment, but sometimes, because that is what I feel I am supposed to do as a stay at home wife and mother... and sometimes, I can martyr myself and end up feeling a little lost... Lordy, how whiny do I sound? I love my family and I love the choices I have made, but you know what, I am having a bad day... me and Kellie Pickler.
And so that email, and every comment I receive, and every hit on my site counter means something to me... because it means someone is listening and I am not having to yell.
Tomorrow, I will be back to my usual self and will share the story of the "Gunshot Chicken".