Monday, April 24, 2006

Tell Me Why... I Don't Like Mondays...


Today was an odd day in that the my freak-o-vibe was off and running... be it the overtanned (seriously, what is wrong with natural colored skin?) and lover of collagen gal at the nail salon who initiated a conversation with "Your toes are so pretty!" She also liked my hair color... and my shoes... and my skirt... "you're so cute!" Within five minutes (in between compliments) she shared all the details about her recent trip to the River (Laughlin) and how, although they always stay in top drawer hotels, they had to stay in a dump because they brought their dogs and also today was her uncle's funeral and her cousins have always hated her because she was his favorite and in case I didn't believe her a psychic in Bullhead City told her so but she wasn't counting on anything because her step father was a billionaire and he left her nothing.

Ok, my head is a little twirly after all that info so good luck and bye-bye.

Then it was off to Home Depot to buy the new washer and dryer (Maytag Neptune - cleaning is fun!) and wouldn't you know that the salesman (Hi, Terry!) had a lisp. Now, I don't have any issues with speech impediments of any kind, but, lordy, the lisp and the words. Words like, "spin cycle" and "washer" and "special settings" and, my personal favorite, "super size". I didn't laugh. Not even a giggle (I did however cough and have to get myself an Altoid because it is not only curiously strong but it can prevent a girl from being a rude cow). Also, I had coffee breath.

After successfully checking out with only a modicum of aid at the "do-it-yourself" line, I tucked my Maytag receipt into my excellent new purse and picked up the plastic bag containing the gorgeous new shower head for the children's bathroom and headed out the door. And I was followed. Followed by the helpful bag boy who wanted to know if he could "help" me. As I had only one little bag the answer was, "Nope, thanks." However, he was determined to be of service and he tagged behind me through the parking lot, repeatedly asking to assist. I finally whirled around with a big, "NO! THANKS!" only to then fall off my cute Paul-Frank-for-Dr.- Scholl sandals and thereby drop the excellent new purse and the plastic bag containing the gorgeous new shower head... and Mr. Helpful? HELP! Where are you? Help me gather my stuff, dude! Oh, there you are... skibbling away! AWAY!

Pretty much time for another cup of coffee. Starbucks, my love, my Valentine, there you are... time for a grande vanilla non-fat latte... peace is coming and all is right with the world.

Then. This.

I can remember this with an anger of it having happened yesterday. Being at toddler gymnastics (Teddy Bear Tumblers) with my boys who were then maybe 1 & 2 and a fellow mother snatching a ball out of Jack's hand with such hostility that he fell over. Did you catch that? He. Fell. Over. She grabbed the damn ball and he toppled over like a little weeble doll... only a weeble who falls. And proceeded to hand the ball to her kid and ignore mine whom in case you missed it, she had just basically knocked over. When I approached her with a, "Um, what just happened here?" She stabbed her fat sausage fingers in my face and informed me that if I had been watching my child more closely instead of sitting on the stairs with my latte then I would have prevented him from picking up the ball which her child so clearly wanted and then she would not have had to take the ball in a firm manner in order to teach him (Jack) that although he (again, Jack) was obviously used to getting everything he wanted, well. Not. This. Time. She would see to it that my child would receive some much needed serious limits.

So, I responded with something along the lines of, "Listen you stupid bitch, you ever touch my kid again, not only will I have you arrested for assault, but the cops will have to scrape your face off the hood of my car." At least that is what they tell me I said because I was, for the first time in my life, in the grips of a white hot fury. Then I walked outside and burst into tears.

And here she is... in the middle of the Laguna Hills Starbucks. Many scenarios floated through my mind... none of which are legal.

As I stood there contemplating stabbing her with a spork, she picked up her macchiato with extra whip and headed out the door. We made eye contact and in that brief moment I could see realization dawn in her beady piggy eyes and she raised her eyebrows at me and wow, here was my moment, I stuck my tongue out at her.

Hey, it was all I could come up with!

Ok, I just shared this particular story with Hugh and all I got out of him was a, "really?" and a slight chuckle. The man has been married to me for so long that hearing about my sticking my tongue out at a woman who was a bitch 7 years ago doesn't even registar as unusal...

Maybe I need to accept that the freaks find me because really, we are kindred spirits.

29 comments:

Recovering Wino said...

That cracks me up....the fact that you did that is hilarious.

Jodi said...

OY. You DID have a day,no? And I can so feel your pain with that awful lady who pushed down your son. GAWD. How awful. Isn't it wierd how when somebody hurts your kids it brings out the mother bear in you? That little part of motherhood ALWAYS takes me by surprise. Everytime. I'm like, what, what, what's this, why am I shaking and planning to murder that SOB because she made my kid cry? Anyway, I am glad you stuck your tongue out at her. She does sound like a horrible, awful, cow!

ciodude said...

If it helps, I know *lots* of good lawyers.

Stephanie said...

Good for you! I know you would have rather inflicted bodily harm, but having to bail you out of jail wouldn't have been much fun for hubby, right? At least you can't get arrested for sticking your tongue out at her (and it certainly made your point)!

Margaret said...

Oh, what a day. After all that biting your tongue at Home Depot I'm kind of glad you had a good reason to stick it out at someone!

Jenn said...

HAHAHAHA That's GREAT!

Gracencameronsmomy said...

SOOO funny! Nobody touches my kid!(or makes them fall over) And if they do, I will sick Gracie on them, because she can kick some butt!
Lisa

jennster said...

liar! they don't have sporks in laguna!! :)

Perrin said...

Laughing out loud! You did not stick your tongue out at her, did you? This is something I would want to do so badly but just wouldn't have the courage. Makes me giggle though.

Hed said...

Heee! I probably would have done the same thing! Of course, there was a time when I found myself actually hissing at some guy who was standing on the train near me, bobbing back and forth, inches from my face, staring at me.

What the hell, right? Well, apparently it worked, because he went to the back of the car, and left me alone after that.

-H

Wendy said...

That is so funny, because what else are you going to do except throw a hot drink in her face?!

Melissa said...

Kristin,
That whole thing cracked me up. You should have poked her.

Mrs. Chicky said...

What a bitch! Her, not you. Sorry you had a crappy day but I love that you stuck your tongue out at that wench.

Holly said...

You crack me up - once again.
You should of sporked her, and splashed her with your latte.

Next time I'm thinking you'll run into Porky at the BBQ place. Imagine the possibilities.....

Antique Mommy said...

What a funny funny post! I've got tears in my eyes. Love your blog.

eastcoastermomma said...

Great story! I love that you stuck your tongue out at her, some women are just be-yotches! I also love the falling off your shoes in the parking lot! I have Dr. Scholl's and I have done that same thing!

Joannah said...

You make me laugh! What a story...

Mega Mom said...

I love that. All my anger would have come seething back too.

Ha.

Tori said...

Oh Krist...
Can't beleive that bitch came back to haunt you...
I recall her from all those years ago. Wasn't it at Bearly There or Beary Good Gymnastics in Dana Point... where many a temper would flare...
Have I seen the Paul Frank shoes btw? Sounds like I might want them!

Kel said...

WOOT! Good for you. I would of done the exact same thing to her if I had been in your situation.

Lisa said...

What a heifer. But, enough about her.

Purse? Shoes? Hello...PICS please!

northern stargirl said...

You seriously crack me up....that is a really, really funny post!

Nicki said...

I remember the wicked woman, and as I remember the story bc I chose to accompany you guys that day (bad choice) she followed you out to the parking lot where you were trying to cool off and vrify what happened with some other mom onlookers, to continue making her ridiculous point. I applaud the tongue sticking out.

J.D. said...

Again, I want to have your life for just 24 hours. Wanna switch?

Lisa and Tate said...

I just love your take on things!!! Too funny the tongue thing!!!

Lisa

Domestic Chicky said...

SOOO not cool...her, not you...YOU I love for sticking up for your baby. I would have been hard pressed not to do an old "Bump and Spill...oh, sorry, did I just spill hot coffee all over you?" Kudos for keeping your cool, mama!

rubyiscoming said...

You are a Warrior. You are Helen Reddy, hear me roar. I loved this post :)

GSJ said...

Well done, Skywalker.

Kevin Charnas said...

AAAHHH!! I want to JACK this woman up for you! Touchin' your kid to where the poor fella falls OVER! That REALLY pisses me off. The dumb whore. Although, I personally LOVE that you stuck out your tongue at her 7 years later. She's lucky that you didn't brush her teeth with your windshield wipers.