Tuesday, August 05, 2008

MILF Aspirations Down The Drain

On Friday, my mother and I took the kids to see The Mummy, Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, and while we were in line at the concession stand, minding our own damn business, the dumbfuck, motherfucker, asswipe, dipshit guy behind me looks at Eva, and asks me, "Is she your granddaughter?"

GRANDDAUGHTER???

And then my head exploded but not before I whipped out my AK-47 and blew him to stupid dust.

Ok, maybe I made that last part up.

I looked at him and people, I lost my shit. DO I LOOK OLD ENOUGH TO BE HER GRANDMOTHER?! I yelled.

He smiled and looked awkward.

BECAUSE I AM NOT EVEN 40 YET AND SHE IS MY DAUGHTER, I continued.

My mother intervenes at this point and says, "Well, Honey, there are an awful lot of young grandmothers in Hawaii and..."

AND I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!!

DOES HE LOOK LIKE A FATHER TO YOU TOO?!
I pointed to Jake.

I looked at this guy who was, by this time, visibly nervous, like maybe he best hurry home and protect the family pets lest I be a bunny boiler, and continued, "You are lucky my mother is here because I am tempted to knock out your teeth!"

Um, crazy much?

Come on, Kristin, my mother said, it's time to take your Geritol.

Oh, everyone's a flipping comedian.

So, here you go - I took this photo the minute we walked in the door... no primping, or adding of extra layers of youthful makeup and clearly, I did not brush my hair... it's certainly not a "beautiful" shot, and what you don't see are the 3 children cracking me up just out of frame, but do I look like somebody's goddamn grandmother to you?

Wait - don't answer that.

Also, not sure why photo is so small-ish.  Blame Blogger.

Also, need to work on smiling... look more like a person in pain... WAIT!  Old people often look like they are in pain because they are because they are old and things are falling off them and breaking down and OMFG I so look like somebody's grandmother but I still think it was rude of that punk to point it out... 




48 comments:

Marisa said...

Maybe you can be a GILF. You know, a Grandma, etc...

JK! He was probably high.

Jason said...

A GILF!!! That is hysterical!

You look so fabulous, way too young to be a grandparent.

But then again, so do I, and I think you and I are about the same age.

Oh, and your mom with the Geritol comment? Damn funny!

I think I'm going to tell everyone I'm a GILF. You know, a grandfather I'd like to. . .you know.

I so thoroughly enjoyed this post, Kristin.

Ginaagain said...

No you do not look like anyone's grandmother!

Unfortunately I know how you feel because I've been asked several times if my ten year old is my grand daughter. Some people deserve to be slapped.

Pumpkin Delight said...

Stopped by from The Jason Show and I am so glad I did. This post is a riot.

Gracencameronsmomy said...

Maybe he was talking to you mom?
it is now my goal in life to beat you at text twirl..I am up to 23,660...

Pollyanna said...

Well, you're the sexist hottst Grandmother I have ever laid eyes on, that's for damn sure! GILF for real....and I'm not even a lesbian. That's just how HAWT you are.

*ahem* Wait, where we talking about hot girl crushes or what? Oh, yeah, the fact that Kristen doesn't look a Grandmother.

Wait..was that inappropriate? Hmmm..maybe the lesbian comment was a little over the top. Anyway, you know what I mean, right luvva?

And NO you don't look like a Grandmother, good Lawd . Didn't that man see "Mrs Doubtfire"?? THAT'S what Grandma's look like for Pete's sake.

carrie said...

OMG, GILF. That is hilarious.

No Kristin, you don't look like some old frog. Sounds like someone needs glasses.

SQT said...

Right after the guy asked you that, he went to the next line and asked a lady when she was going to have her baby.

Clearly he needs glasses and a good ass whuppin.

jenontheedge said...

Since I happen to know that your birthday is tomorrow and that you'll still be safely in your 30s, I can understand your concern. In fact, I can't believe you didn't get a little more mental on him. I would have.

CDJ said...

Are you sure he wasn't talking to your mom? Not that I'm defending him. I'm just saying... there's no way you could be anyone's grandma! That dude is a blind, stupid, hateful, small-penised idiot!

Amy Y said...

You most certainly do NOT look like a GILF!
Marisa is right ~ he was probably high.

Grandma J said...

maybe he was talking to your mother, not you?

I had a gf who was a grandmother at 34 but she wasn't as pretty as you.

Of course maybe that was his best pickup line...sort of.

Anonymous said...

Dontcha wish your grandma was hot like me?

Karen and Bob said...

NO, you absolutely do not look like a grandmother. Now, I AM old enough to be someone's grandmother, and definitely old enough to be my 2.5 year old daughter's grandmother, but I would still be mortified if someone said that to me! Now, excuse me while I go color my roots. (which have been grey since I was 23)

Kristin said...

You all are FUNNY!!! I will be singing the new version of that Pussycat Doll's song...

My dad, by the way, called me this morning and when I answered phone he said, "Hello, Nana."

Like I said, everyone's a comedian.

Daniella said...

You should have kicked his ass! I was asked that question once but I blamed it on my "older' husband. I remember being so f'nk mad and the rest of the night my hubs and son called me oldielocks.

Shelley said...

Okay, sorry darlin' but I'm ROTFLMAO!!!

hee hee!

BTW, Rich gets that all the time! :) Hah!

Shelley said...

BTW - Beauty girl picture! :)

furiousBall said...

i mean this...

i'd bang you.

and not in a sweet, caring kind of way. i mean like hair-pulling, wearing a president nixon mask and a bullwhip kind of way

shit, was that out loud?

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of the time that dumb-ass Danish woman in Palm Springs thought Tori was my mother. Now, readers, seriously, we look exactly the same age.

People are just brain-damaged. Pure and simple.

I'll have to teach you a very effective back kick to the groin, and you'll never have to worry about lame-assness again!

J

Anonymous said...

Um, and Furiousball, you're kinda freakin' me out.

Also, I happen to know Kristin prefers Democratic presidents and handcuffs.

J

Tori said...

u r so funny...
I don't feel sorry for you though because remember that time someone thought I was Jen's mother! And she is the same age as me!!!!!

Tori said...

oops just saw Jen had also retold that horrendous story in Palm Springs...
I did however burn the swimsuit i was wearing - never a miracle suit no more.... be gone - you hateful specimen!

Kristin said...

Van - I have to tell you, today is my birthday and your comment was the first thing I read... so far, 39 is shaping up to be MUY FABULOSO!!

Stephanie said...

Ouch, I feel your pain every time the little punk at the supermarket calls me Ma'am.

Plus, don't people know enough anymore to not assume anything?

Los said...

You look nowhere near like a grandma ... I'm guessing this guy will never ask anybody of he/she is that person's grandson/granddaughter again ...

Anonymous said...

i can almost hear your mom trying to justify the poor man's comment. don't for a second think you look old enough to be anyone's gilf. happy 39th!

maybe he was trying to hit on you!

and unless fb is a personal cyber friend, i am with jen on this one!

nicki

Kristin said...

Nick - He is! A cyber friend... he's just being goofy!

Besides, he knows that I prefer Carter...

hippo brigade said...

phashaw. you look fan-frickin'-tastic. Some people just shouldn't open their mouths, ever.

The Happy Housewife said...

Well Honey, my granny certainly never looked like you - you look great!
I don't know what Geritol is but if it is the kind of stuff that stops people from knocking out the teeth of other really irritating people, then I need some. Otherwise the mum at the school gates who asked me if work was going well as I was obviously too busy to go get my GREY roots done at the hairdresser, is going to feel the full force of my walking stick. (My roots are not grey, at all, they are blonde. I am definitely going blonde as I get older. Blonde, gottit?)

slackermommy said...

Pullleeeeeze! You ain't no grandma you hot MILF!

Joe said...

Wow...um...lol.

Sorry.

I'm pretty sure that guy will never, ever use that particular pick up line again.


You look great, though. And happy belated birthday!

Issas Crazy World said...

You so don't look old enough to have a grandkid. People are dumb.

Am pissed, cause two people have asked me today if I was having twins. Dude, I've only gained 20 pounds and the boy is 5.3 pounds of those. So um yeah....not so funny.

I wanted to say to the last guy, is that your chapstick in your pants?

Becky said...

omg by no means are you even the SLIGHTEST bit grandmother looking. how rude!

"MissMeliss" said...

You do NOT look old enough to be a grandmother. Puuleeese. People are idiots.

Grim Reality Girl said...

That guy was on crack!! He is lucky to be alive, I am shocked by your restraint. Once again, you are my hero!

Jill said...

Tag! You're it!

http://charmingdelightful.blogspot.com/2008/08/im-not-worthy.html

Shelley said...

Milf schmilf. Post already! :)

Manager Mom said...

Oh... Marisa beat me to it. But I was going to suggest that you could be a GILF too. They are extremely rare creatures, not often spotted in the wild.

Damselfly said...

GILF! Oh no. It's not about you -- that guy was just stupid.

Jason said...

Kristin? Kristin? Where are you?

elizabeth said...

GILF? Wow, that's priceless! Seriously, what kind of fool thinks you look like a grandmother? You SO don't! That jerk needs a slap upside the head. Some people are so clueless about ages in both directions. When I used to be a nanny, people asked me if my charge was my child...hmm, that would make me 13 when I had him.

Niihaus said...

What a dumbass! You look hot to me...but I like older women! ;-)

How ya been??

Anonymous said...

come on, i need a good laugh to start my day... write something!

nicki

carrie said...

Just checking to see if you are back yet . . .

Amanda said...

Oh, hell no! Hot mama, or aunt all the way.

Anonymous said...

so are you going to go an entire month without a post?!!!

Marisa said...

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, UPDATE! You have been here, I see the ads and new links!