Wednesday, June 18, 2008

How To (Pretend) To Clean Your House

Now, I don't know if I have mentioned this, but we have been without a housekeeper since February and to be honest, it sucks ass.

Especially as summer is upon us and that means the tidy scale is about to tip dangerously towards mess and clutter...

However, since February and the launch of the campaign known as "Kristin Learns to Balance Her Checkbook: Stops Being an A$$hole", I have learned a few things and I feel it is only right to share those things with you.

Tip #1

Watering potted plants with pool water will kill them even faster than not watering them at all.

Tip #2

Vacuuming before you have 9 kids over to swim is stupid. Just spritz some Febreeze around the joint and call it good.

Tip #3

You will never be able to corral all the dog hair; learn how to stuff pillows with it, loom it into fibers or ignore it. I have opted for blank stare.

Tip #4

A multitude of housekeeping sins can be camouflaged by candles... remember to invite people only after dark.

Tip #5

No one really cares if the books are dusted.

Tip #6

Just go ahead and leave the Nerf dart up on the ceiling fan, it will eventually fall off.

Tip #7

Make the beds. A made bed improves the look of everything. Also, it gives a person a place to store the laundry.

Tip #8

Children are quite handy.

Tip #9

No matter what, you must pick up after the dogs 2x a day. No matter how shiny the inside, dog sh*t will ruin the effect every time.

and finally, Tip #10

Everything looks better after a glass of wine.

Now tell me, your best hint... and don't say housekeeper or I will be forced to reach through the world wide web and smack the taste right out of your mouth.





29 comments:

furiousBall said...

Before I even read this entry, I saw the title and instantly thought, Febreeze. And the wine, oh yes, the wine.

Putting the dishes in the dishwasher counts for "Do the dishes" on the to do list.

Putting laundry in the machine counts for "Do Laundry", that is until another load accumulates.

Marisa said...

Clean sheets are a state of mind.

Joannah said...

Two words: house husband.

;-)

jennster said...

my best hint? always go over someone ELSE'S house. HAHAHAHA


i am dying for a housekeeper. yes. NOW. or else.

Lori said...

Mine is boring. Short and sweet, even. I do a sort of modified FlyLady thing, but only once or twice a day for those 15 minutes. It is truly amazing how much you can do when you set that timer and know you will immediately stop when it goes off. Yeah, it never looks good all at the same time, but at least once a week everything gets their 15 minutes!

Amy Y said...

Lysol wipes ~ they make the bathroom shiny and might even disinfect, too. Way easier on the lazy people like myself, than the squirt bottle and rags.

Daniella said...

#10 for sure and #8 is starting to be a daily thing for us. The kid may not clean as well but after #10who really cares. As we speak small boy is washing all the moldings in the bedrooms and will be cleaning out the garbage pails that a racoon got into last night. He has a motive - he is saving for a 90.00 lego kit. Time for #10.

Jenny said...

Whenever someone comes in to the house the weekend before cleaning lady, I always exclaim, "sorry the house is sooo dirty" and that usually makes everyone uncomfortable enough to say, nah, its not (while their baby has crumbs and gunk all over them from crawling)....and that is a great illusion!
-J

jenontheedge said...

A house without clutter always looks cleaner than a clean house that's cluttered.

Yeah, I sound like Mr. Miyagi. Wax on. Wax off.

Phoenix said...

Swiffer is my friend. It's like the laziest invention ever. Oh and Lysol wipes. They make a bathroom clean in minutes. :)

Oh and when I run out of underwear, I just but new ones. But that is a vicious cycle that I don't truly recommend.

Tami W. said...

Right now I have so many cats at my house that no one wants to come over..so it really doesn't matter what it looks like cause no one is going to see it!

Kayce said...

I LOVE tip 4! Being a housekeeper myself, which is funny that you posted this today, as I posted something about my job as well today.

My advice...besides hiring me...do a little then treat yourself with something you would rather do, ie: read, sit, blog, what ever, then do another stupid chore, then treat yourself again. And so on....

Shelley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ninotchka said...

I find that leaving the cleaning products out in plain view shows a sort of commitment to cleanliness. If someone, say, sees streaks on the mirrors or a dog hair tumble weed passing by and the next thing they see is a bottle of Windex next to a roll of paper towels or a vacuum cleaner they think, OK, this will be taken care of. Which is true. Eventually. heh

Love #6!

Shelley said...

BTW - I have found that wearing the same clothes day-after-day (until they become one with your body) cuts down on a lot of laundry.

I also believe that Swimming = Baths.

carrie said...

Whisk a little bleach around in your toilet bowls and they, at least, will smell clean.

rubyiscoming said...

Clorox wipes are my best friend! Hubs won't let us get a housekeeper in our new casa until the baby comes.....and we both work a ton of hours. And dude, I am so all over candles everywhere - it completely hides the sins! :)

dgm said...

I can't emphasize #8 enough, people! Our children, or "Our Little Labor Units" as we lovingly refer to them, take on more and more responsibility with each passing month or so. If you have them home for the summer, that's the best time to train them and silence their plaintive cries "I'm bored!"

I think setting the timer to commit to one little area at a time really helps. I'm going to try it someday.

Joe said...

No matter how neatly they're piled, stacks of garbage are just that. If I haven't gotten around to something in a week or two, I've found it best to just toss it.

I also find that having cleaning supplies in or very close to every roon helps. There's nothing worse than putting things off because I'm too lazy to walk a few rooms over to get the supplies.

Anonymous said...

My one sure fire trick - invite my mother-in-law over. She'll have my fridge cleaned, laundry done, and yes - books dusted - before we know it.

Of course my husband objects to using his mother this way, but hey...any port in a storm!

Slick said...

Hhhmmm...

This is a great resource for men as well! :)

dgm said...

I forgot to add that the Magic Eraser actually makes cleaning surfaces much more enjoyable for me. I am always trying to figure out how it works.

Denise said...

re: #3 shave the dog. I got nothing for the plants, unless their growing outside they f***ing hate me; they will die just to spite me I swear to Bob.

Anonymous said...

Leave the cleaning supplies out in plain view. Then when visitors pop in you can say "I was just about to start cleaning, my in-laws just left"! You can always add "this can wait, your visit is more important to me"!

Carol In Texas

Carrie said...

Close the doors, people don't need to see the kid's rooms. Also, Swiffer dusters are amazing and quick, they even come scented.

Sarah O. said...

No advice here. You evidently already know all my tricks.

Los said...

Tip 10 may be the most important tip of them all ... alcohol improves the beauty of everything ... right?

Barbara said...

Tip from my mother in law. Leave your vacuum out, that way you can say you were just going to vacuum.

Tips from me: swiffer and clorox wipes. Life savers.

Barbara

slackermommy said...

Housekee.... I couldn't resist.

The laundry room is the perfect place to shove all the clutter. The house looks much cleaner minus all the clutter.