*edited on 9/24... thank you all so much for your words of support and advice... it was comforting to read that I am not alone in my feelings and instead of being a crazy loon, I find I am rather right in line with many of you! ;-)
This is not the post I intended to write. After slugging through a day of red tape involving the phone company and the cable company and becoming suspicious that the TSA actually runs the entire world... so inept and convoluted and ridiculous was my afternoon, I felt sure that my blog would be the only place such drivel could be properly processed.
Until I found out my husband has been asked by his alma mater to possibly come back and teach an undergraduate class...
Now, you might think, "Well done, Hugh." Or even, "How nice to be thought of..."
My immediate reaction was, "Really? Cool!" and it was simultaneously shared by the most outrageous pangs of jealousy I have ever experienced.
Not dissimilar to feeling like my head had just exploded.
Jealous. Of my husband.
And then I burst out into tears.
And proceeded to babble.
Babble that went like this: IamsuchaloserandyouarejustsogreatandIamnothing... sob, sob, SOB!
Because someone should be asking me to teach a class! On something! How about on throwing a nice party? Fuck! No one can ask me to teach a class because I know nothing! Nothing!
Hello? Issues? Is that you banging on the door?
But Hugh has been all successful and shit... I sometimes sort of feel as though I am being eclipsed by his many achievements... and while I am very proud of him and quite frankly wouldn't want to be married to a man who wasn't making a good go of it... I can't help but wonder if it's too late for me?
What have I done?
Well, I guess I do know what I have done... I've raised and created a really good and really strong family.
But my family is changing.
I am the mother of 3 children, 2 of whom will (most likely) be out of the house in 10 years. That will mean that at 48, the only child at home will be a surly teenage daughter who will want nothing more from me than rides to the mall and unlimited use of my VISA card.
I am moving into a new phase of my adult life. And I am scared I have nothing to fall back on...
I don't know what to do now.
Should I be doing more? Am I success? The world gives lip service to the importance of the stay at home mother, but do they mean it?
My kids are still young and Eva is just a toddler really, but the years fly by and for the love of shoes I have a child who is turning 11 in a few months...
My husband says I can do anything I want. (and by this he means I have the ability and his support) Anything. Do I want to go back to school and finish up that pregnancy interrupted Master's? Do I want to take up tennis? Get a job? Redecorate? If I want to stay home all day and eat cookies while the kids are at school that's ok too... just be happy.
I have been happy. Or, I thought I was happy. I am happy?
Am I proud of my life? Yes.
But that doesn't change the fact that I have to start looking ahead... I am preparing the people in this house for life and I need to prepare myself as well... lest I spend my 50's wandering around clutching a hanky and keeping their childhood rooms as a shrine.
Obviously, the jealousy and the outburst are a clear indication that I am feeling a little less than fulfilled... I just wish I knew what it is I am looking for.