Monday, September 10, 2007

In Which The Term "Mystery Shopper" Finds A Home...

Help!

I am stranded under a mountain (MOUNTAIN I tell you) of clothes.

Send those cute folks from What Not to Wear and their shiny trash bins!

It happens every year... I wander to my closet, a space no larger than an airplane lavatory, and think, now, where is that shirt/skirt/pair of jeans I want to wear... and so I start poking around and shoving things aside and, like an earthquake, those little rumbles of clothes shuffling indicate a 7.0 on the Richter Scale of wardrobe purging.

And now I cannot see the floor of my bedroom and the pile is threatening to engulf the whole of the master bedroom (which, considering the room is a mere 12' x 12' isn't saying much, but still...).

So, here is that black blouse I bought... the one that is semi-sheer and needs to be worn with either an incredibly sexy and lacy bra or a sleek and fitted camisole... and wouldn't it look amazing with a pair of skinny jeans and the black strappy Gucci sandals...

Or how about this skirt? What a perfect length... just below the knee and pencil thin and the heavy denim with a hint of stretch means it's comfy all day... and that anchor applique gives it just enough kooky to keep it from being too "mom-ed out"...

Oh, and these shoes! These fabulous light blue suede kitten heel sling back with embellished beading on the toe shoes... so perfect with wide legged soft wool chocolate trousers and cashmere sweater... very Kate Hepburn but with a bit more sass...

Don't those outfits sound great?

Don't I sound like a savvy dresser?

And here is where we fall apart...

The black blouse is lovely. But, no way in hell am I wearing it with a only a bra and I don't own a sleek and fitted cami and skinny jeans are not made for girls built along the J-Lo (maybe J-Lo's chubbier sister) lines and so basically what I end up with the shoes. Which I do have and I pretend are awesome enough to make up for the fact I am wearing them with the same old bootcut jeans from Old Navy and cheap white t-shirt.

That skirt? It is a cute and as sexy as I described. It is one of the more wonderful things in my wardrobe and the only real issue is that it is too small. Two sizes too small to be exact.

And those shoes? Those shoes are every bit as gorgeous as you envision... and if they didn't pinch the ever loving hell out of my baby toes I could wear them.

Do you see where I am headed? A closet full of mistakes. Of wishes. Of clothes that belong on someones else's body or on someone else's feet.

I have outfits for being 10 pounds heavier and 20 pounds lighter. I have blouses that can only be explained by late night TV and too many Carmen Miranda movies. I have shoes that make you think, "Carrie Bradshaw" which is fine until you remember I drive carpool and there are jeans in a full range of sizes... 5 different sizes to be specific.

Let the purging begin!

The guidelines swirling about in my head seem to have been torn from the pages of a women's magazine, and so, "If you haven't worn it in a year, toss it" is my mantra. This will leave me with nothing but some sweats, a motley assortment of tank tops, 2 denim skirts (fortunately of different lengths) and a zippered hoodie purchased on vacation when I found myself unprepared for foul weather.

Be gone ye boots in strange shade of brown!

Be gone ye clogs whose appearance testifies to the dangers of drunken Internet shopping!

Be gone ye jeans which ride halfway down my ass every time I sit forcing me to always chose the seat against the wall!

Welcome back darling peasant skirt which fell to the floor and has lived hidden for the better part of 6 months... you make me feel festive and flirty.

Welcome back hounds tooth checked trousers... you are smart and well lined and look great with, well hello there brown twinset!

I am working on a single-handed bringing back of the poncho.

Am I alone here in my foolishness? Does everyone have clothes of mystery?

And more importantly... should I be surprised that I just pulled out a blouse that I have never seen?

33 comments:

L & J said...

I always come across clothing that I swear I never bought. I'm either losing my mind or I need to find a new dry cleaner.

M3 said...

I have such a crappy memory (and I am dull, dull, dull and wear the same 4 or 5 things over and over) that I ALWAYS find things in my closet I have no memory of... Ugh. The worst is when they still have tags.

Kristin said...

Yes! The "still tagged" clothing... I wonder: do I simply come home and hide things? Is there a pill for this?

Lisa and Tate said...

Mary-Mia has basically summed up my wardrobe... dull and forgotten. I wear the same things everyday. Old age bad memory or is it cause i just care? Just a little of both.

Gracencameronsmomy said...

I do this SAME THING every year! ANd then, like others, I end up wearing the same things over and over...Sorry, I can't help you!

Anonymous said...

I have not only a secondary wardrobe but a third. A complete set of clothes in sizes 12, 14 and 16!!

Jenny said...

I bought 2 outfits for my girls christening. Wore 1 for easter and 1 for the christening. These things will never see the light of day again. The issue lies with the fact I can't wear silk or that fancy rayon or 3 inch heels OR have anything plunging and not expect a nip slip due to children wrangling. and my thighs have grown an inch so, no pencil skirt for this mama.

I have things I have never worn but were good deals. I have horrific shoes, drunk shopping online, I have jeans that costs more than (well alot) that I never fit in but so desperately wanted to I bought them anyway! I had a silver silk cami from laura ashley I carried with me for 10 years. I just got rid of it and it still had tags!

It sucks. SUCKS.

S. said...

It took my friend with a fabulous sense of style and organizational skills to make me confront my closet. Honestly, some of it was too embarrassing to even try justify. Due to an ummmm...personal surgical choice I did just get to toss all of my shirts/blouses etc (speaking of body image issues...aakk! But it was totally the right thing for me) so it has been fun to update that part of the wardrobe. Taking the giant garbage bags to goodwill was satisfying.

I swear I had a J. Crew rollneck sweater from like 1993. Expensive suits that are totally out of style, and a size 4--but hard to let go of that season of life and admit I will never be able to wear them (or anything similar) in the next, oh--20 yrs. Private school tuition is a bitch.

The skirt sounds awesome--I am afraid I generally look too "mommed out". And seriously--nothing wrong with old navy.

The what not to wear folks would shoot me with a tranquilizer gun, I know it.

You will feel so good when you are done purging!

kris said...

I swear it's my old friend Divorce that bought those size 14's, good thing I kicked that friend out weeks ago and have gotten off my ass to start running again...

You just made me look forward to purging my closet! I'll dig the heaping grave of clothes until I get back to the size 6 stuff that I bought a couple years ago and NEVER even got to wear! OH JOY.

Daniella said...

How I can relate to this - I had a Girls night out the other night and I was more than 45 minutes lates b/c of the damn closet problem. I thought everything I was planning on wearing would fit and look marv - yeah right. In the end Gap linen pants with a black tank - I so need a purge. I have a pile on a top shelf in my closet of stuff I swear is going to fit again one day....

Kayce said...

Your post makes me long for my new closet!! I've got boxes of winter, summer, spring, high school, and the afterlife! I just can't get rid of any of them!!

As for the tagged clothing...if you find the pill, let me in on it!

Shelley said...

I suffer from "never-throw-stuff-away" syndrome. And as a result am still the proud owner of a Gunny Sack dress that I wore in high school, among other things.

It's sad really.

All my life shapes are all jammed in my closets ...and now Rich's. :P

Kristin said...

Gunny Sack!? Ok, you're WAY worse than I... the oldest thing I can lay claim to is a pair of overalls (so 90's... I wore them with granny boots and a ribbed thermal tee...) which predate Jake... why I still have them I have no idea... let me know if you need help painting a room as apparently, I have kept the outfit for such an occasion.

Lisa said...

Thanks for saying you own jeans in a range of sizes. I too have clothes that range from size 4 (because someday, maybe I get into them. HA! Yeah right!) to size 10. (Because if I get pregnant, I will put on weight in a blink of an eye and will jump up a few sizes in a matter of a month. (Seriously. A mere month! Its as if my body starts retaining water and fat upon conception.)

My husband loves to say, 'Hey, JLo called. She wants her butt back." And I'm all, "I have her ass AND THEN SOME." So its nice to meet a fellow woman with a JLO booty. :-)

InterstellarLass said...

I still have clothes from high school. I'll never be able to wear them again, but for some reason I can't toss them.

Marisa said...

I have a pair of size 2 jeans in my closet that will never fit me again, yet I can't bring myself to part with. All the rest of the pre-baby clothes have been given away, but I dream about fitting back into these babies!

jennie said...

Although I don't have any of the exact things you uncovered in the closet, I do have a lot of items that fall into that category. I should really get rid of about 3/4 of everything in there because they either:
a) really look bad
b) I will never wear them
Of course, with only 1/4 of my loot remaining, I'd miss that "hidden treasure" semi-annual event.

Mel said...

There's something magical about the term "soft wool chocolate trousers."
I will now spend the next six months looking for a pair in size "Giant Ass, Little Waist."
Thank you SO MUCH.
;)

Anonymous said...

The "worst" buy I have ever made is a fur coat that cost several thousand dollars. I really couldn't afford it but I thought that it would make my life better - STUPID!

I've never worn that coat because I am ashamed of it and I feel like a big phony in it, but I don't know what to do with it other than leave it hanging in the closet.

Phoenix said...

For some reason my clothes of mystery are always the ones I spent more money on too.

My new goal is only to buy clothes if I would and can wear them out of the store and be comfy in them all day. If not, I don't need it, cause I'll be donating it within a year.

Phoenix said...

I will admit though that I'm a shoe fanatic and I have shoes that I've owned since high school.

carrie said...

I know.

I am still waiting for sleeveless denim shirts to come back in style because I just found one hanging in the waaaaaaay back.

And if I lost 15 pounds, I'd have a whole new wardrobe.

*sigh*

Los said...

Every once in a while, I'll go and clean out my closet ... finding clothes I bought but never really wore ... sometimes I'll find close that I used to love and have a hard time getting rid of, even though I no longer would ever wear them ... sigh.

Damselfly said...

Sounds like too much work. I think instead you should get a bigger closet. ;) Seriously, I think it's just something that happens to busy people who have acquired a lifetime of clothes. My friend who's 12 years younger than I am is still surprised when she sees me wear a new old thing because she doesn't get that *I have crap going waaaay back*!

Recovering Wino said...

Yes, I have so much crap....I have been doing a giant ebay thing and clearing out my closet. I will never be back into my prebaby clothes. It's been working well, but I'm tired of listing auctions on ebay.

Oh, The Joys said...

I love to thrift shop and often do it off season. So when the right season rolls around I'm all, "What the Hell is this?"

dgm said...

Sometimes I like something so much that I don't wear it because I don't want to ruin it. When I find it I am soooo happy, and I have to force myself to wear it by telling myself that is why I bought it.

The number of ridiculous items purchased has decreased in direct proportion to the number of times I get to go to happy hour nowadays.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

Every season I throw out stuff. My kids just pulled a skirt out of my closet that looks like it is from 1973 (but it isnt) and I wore it for a summer once and they say it is their favorite skirt...it is a skirt that makes me look like i have double wide hips. So I trashed it. Even though my kids say they love it. I had to sneak it into the giveaway bag. Purge and shop, purge and shop...

Kristin said...

Los - I am glad the ladies aren't alone in this!

Kristie said...

I am so glad you are back blogging - this is my favorite blog where you tell it like it is and I need that

I have an interview tomorrow... and I had one yesterday - and I bought a new interview outfit to go with the four others I have, but are a lil outdated ~lmao~ but I can't make myself get different interview shoes.... I probably need.. something sassy or crazy.. but nope... I have my go to - dr marten maryjanes that I'll be sportin with my interview pants and shirt - I had wanted to wear something fun and spring like.... cute skirt and some kinda top I'd still need to purchase.. but my sister talked me into the interview outfit.... it is for a state job... where after you get the job.. you come to work in jeans and sweaters, or boardshorts and tank tops

Can I come to your closet???

Kristin said...

Kristie,

You come on over, girlfriend! My closet es su closet.

lydia said...

I actually do wear most of my clothes... I am a vicious evil purger of shit I won't wear, and only own jeans in two sizes. But I did recently run across this bizarre blouse... lace-up front (pirate theme? I dunno) with seizure inducing swirls of pink and black. It has been worn exactly once. Where the fuck will I where it now? Good grief.

lydia said...

Oh, also... 2005 was the year of the hippy floaty skirt... I have many of these. I cannot get rid of them because my daughter adores them, even though they do not go with my current life. I am such a sap.