Monday, April 02, 2007

The One Where I Sort Of Make Myself Sad...

It's not going to happen.

I thought it would. We both thought it would.

We were pretty into it.

But...

Time has marched on and we're in a different place...

And this place doesn't really want to go back...

It wants to only move forward...

And there is a lot of guilt.

A LOT of fucking guilt...

Shouldn't we?

Is being content too selfish a reason?

We're not adopting again.

And it is mostly because of me... I'm done.

And it sort of breaks my heart.

77 comments:

Tuesday Girl said...

It is not selfish, it is taking care of yourself and your family.

Your feelings are valid and normal. You are a great Mom.

Stephanie said...

I agree with Tuesday Girl.As you know, adoption is a long and hard. I don't know if I would do it again either.
Stephanie
www.forksandchopsticks.wordpress.com

TBG Happenings said...

Nope....not selfish at all. You need to do what is best for you and your family.

Content is good and nothing to be ashamed of!!

Maryellen

C.J. said...

Well, there's not one thing more I can say than the women who already put it into words so perfectly.

The most important thing in all of it: self awareness and knowing what's good for the family.

Undercover Angel said...

I think Tuesday's Girl said it the best. You aren't being selfish at all...

Redneck Mommy said...

It is enough to love the ones you have.

I wish our adoption process would hurry the f*&k up though! I worry if it takes too long that perhaps I will get to that content place too and decide the chitlens I have are enough.

Sigh.

Oh, The Joys said...

It's okay to be done, friend.

Jill said...

Sounds like something to celebrate to me. You've got your beautiful family that you now know is complete. What a good satisfied feeling.

Mel said...

I know exACTly how you feel. Even if we had been in the financial position to do so, we are no longer in the emotional place to adopt.
I feel guilt, but it's also a relief to be able to say I'm done, and that it's a good decision.
Kristin, it's a good decision for you if you already know that you're done with that part of your life. Just remember that.

Glinda said...

There should be no guilt in finding peace with decisions that are right for you, which allows you to revel in the beauty of the here and now.

I invite you to live vicariously through me...

Red Dirt Mummy said...

The opposite of selfish, I think. Knowing when you are done and moving forward to give your all to the three beautiful kids you have is so very far from selfish.

Gracencameronsmomy said...

It's not seflsih at all! You Hvae THREE kids! Give yourelf a break! I so want to adopt again, when we have the money. But even I am not sure I could do four kids...

M3 (Mary-Mia) said...

Kristin, you are many things (smart, funny, loving, great mom, etc.) but selfish just isn't one of them.

Domestic Chicky said...

Selfish?? Um, No...

Self-aware, and honest? Always...

Jodi said...

selfish? Ummmmm, NEVER. The fact that you were able to adopt Eva is amazing. And awesome. And was the perfect thing for your family. To say you are done is not bad. It's good. And smart. And actually very loving. Your family is complete. And there is nothing wrong with knowing that and being content! Sometimes in our lives that are already so full it's hard to be content with what we have. And you are. And that's something that most people strive for their entire life, that feeling of completeness and feeling of contement. you just beat them all to the punch, you're an over achiever, what can we say. :) You're okay!

Lena said...

I completely understand. I go through this every single day. Be grateful that you are one of the few that actually listens to her intuition! Obviously not adopting again is the best thing for your family. And, yes, that includes YOU. ;)

((hug))

Maggie said...

I can imagine it feels sad to close the door on the possibility. But it's not selfish. If not adopting again is what feels right, than by all means it is right. Content is wonderful thing. Hold tight to it.

Damselfly said...

Aw. How is it that we can feel two different ways about the same thing?! I feel for ya.

Marmite Breath said...

Being content is no small thing.

Besides, if Angelina keeps going how she is, there won't be any kids left to adopt.

(Sorry, I have to throw in a lame joke).

Jewels of My Heart said...

Being selfish would be to adopt a child that is not meant to be yours....... Adoption is very personal but I truely believe you do not adopt a child to save them but because you love them and they are yours... God created them for you and you for them. Both of my children are adopted... My son from Russia and my daughter from China. I do not know why the Lord chose for them to be born from different birth parents instead of from my womb... I only know I thank God for them.
I too want to help the children, I do not think I have "helped" my two children... I only have them home where they belong.
What I am trying to say is, you shouldn't feel guilty for doing what is right. Your daughter is home in your arms where she belongs. If you do not feel led to adopt again then most likely there isn't a little one out there that is suppossed to be yours... if you want to help the children you could make a donation to an orphanage or help another family adopt or pray for the children who are still looking for their Mommy and Daddys.....
Sorry for the book. LOL

InterstellarLass said...

There's nothing wrong with contentment. There's a time for everyone to stop...whether it's adopting or otherwise. You do what's right for your family.

Kristin said...

You all make the best points... when we decided to adopt, I knew in my heart I wasn't done... that I wanted another child... but that feeling just isn't there and I think I do feel guilty because we have the means and yes, the love to give to another child... but, 3 kids tap me out and I have full time help!

Hugh and I do sponsor a foster mother in Guixi (where Eva is from) as well as support the "Hugging Granny" program through Altrusa... we also sponsor a child in Ghana, so we do try to make a difference, even if that difference isn't in our own home.

It was such a big admission... but you all are right... content is a beautiful place.

Mamma said...

I'm jealous that you know. Knowing is good.

It's not selfish!!! There is a time when we have to move on. But I understand. I'm having a hard time too.

Mrs Figby said...

We had to make this call, too, except we were halfway through the paperchase for #2 when I realized it wasn't the right thing to do. Only you can know what is right for your family -- no need to feel guilty at all.

Kayce said...

So NOT selfish! You know your priorities and that is a goooood thing!

Becky said...

awww...i dont think its selfish at all. its sorta like when people just say they're done having kids. well youre done adopting kids. you can only take on so much. i dont think its selfish at all. dont be so hard on yourself. youre a great person. you've done so great with the kids!

mollymcmo said...

i think adding to your family wether through adoption or pregnancy is such a huge decision.
being in a good place, being content and feeling complete is wonderful :)

m

Pendullum said...

Self aware, honest,smart, trueful, soulful, caring loving, and a mama to three thriving children. I would be the words I would use to describe you...
Not selfish dear friend never selfish...

Mrs. Chicky said...

No, not selfish at all. You've got to do what's right for you.

carrie said...

I was going to mention the sponsoring but I see that you already commented on that. I hope that knowing you are making a difference makes this decision a little easier for you.

Just because you "have the means" does not in any way determine that you should add to your brood. When you are done, you are done.

But you have a heart of gold. I cannot stop my mind from thinking about the "what if's" and the "I could do that" when it comes to seeing the faces of the many who do not have mommies. It. Breaks. My. Heart.

I would have ten babies if I could. But you have to also have enough of yourself to give. And I think there are so many, many, many ways to give of yourself. It sounds like you are doing that already!

Anyway, I wish you all the best and am sending a big hug your way. It is okay.

Carrie

Wendy said...

You are not selfish! Knowing when it's complete is a good thing. I know I couldn't do it again.

Groovy Lady said...

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think the opposite would be true.. it would be selfish to adopt another child when you know in your heart you feel done.

You sound like a very smart lady to me and very fair. You know what you want and/or your limitations and you're acting on them.

More people should be as wise when it comes to making life altering decisions.

Stephanie said...

It's okay. You have a family who loves you and needs you.

And, therefore, you have MANY blessings to count!!!!

Stephanie said...

Oh, and I'm Mama Drama Stephanie.

Jennifer said...

To affirm what everyone else has said: No, you're not being selfish at all. You have to do what feels right for you and your family. Make peace with yourself, if you haven't already. :-)

mamatulip said...

I waver daily, hourly, about a third. Some days I think hell yeah, we can do it. Other days, like today? Hell no.

I really do want another child but I'm not sure I can do it. There are times when, like you, I feel DONE. Like dinner. And like your first commenter said, the family you have here is important. You're taking care of them and of you by realizing your limits.

I know it's hard though. I feel for you.

Gen said...

Hey - you know what is right for you and your family and that is all that matters.


I don't think you are selfish. Not.one.bit. I only wish all mothers were as UNSELFISH as you :)

Los said...

At least you came to this decision before you actually adopted again. That would not be fair to the child.

-Jenny said...

As soon as I saw the title of the post that is automatically what I thought this post was going to say. You need to do what is best for you. And you have wonderful children.

Happily Anonymous said...

There's nothing wrong with being content. And From what I gather you've already adopted previously?

Kudo's for that!!

Lisa said...

Hey that's now selfish. You are a wonderful mom. You've got to do what's best for your family.

Its ok.

rubyiscoming said...

dude, you are a rock star and i don't even know you but from your blog!

no guilt. guilt feels lousy (who likes walking around with a lump in the throat, hmmm?) and you are a rockin' mom to wonderful kids and you have a biting sense of humour and you are honest. honest with your hubby. honest about your feelings.

you are making the right choice for your family. no guilt.

Marmite Breath said...

OMG, and you already do so much. I keep blamming on about being a foster parent, but have I done it? No! Because I already feel, as you say, tapped out on many levels many days.
You've definitely done your part.

kim said...

What you have already done has changed your life and Eva's and its a beautiful thing!! There is no shame in deciding to enjoy what you already have Kristin ...be happy

hautemama said...

Ok...for a minute I was thinkin' you were havig an affair...got me!

I have never adopted but I can only imagine how demanding the process can be. Unless your Brad or Angie of course!

Michelle said...

Oh Kristen. That must have been a hard decision to make. I totally understand it though. Shit, I don't know how you manage three kids, let alone four! I'm glad you are content. I'll take content any day.

(And you aren't selfish. At all)

Rach said...

One child or four, it doesn't matter as long as you're content and happy! There's nothing wrong with not having more children. You're staying involved in your children's lives right now and that's what matters. We have two and sometimes its difficult...

Occidental Girl said...

No, you're not selfish! (You're cool, remember?)

Selfish is doing what you want and the consequences to others be damned. You have a family to think of, and if you are happy with it as it is then there is nothing wrong with that! Families are a lot of work, and you can only give so much.

Take it easy on yourself. Angelina will save the world for us. :D

Joke! Ha ha and funny! Sorry, only trying to lighten the mood, not make fun....

Chaos Control said...

Definitely not selfish. Honest, yes. Selfish, no.

S. said...

I am having preemptive guilt about not adopting a second time and I don't even have my dossier to Vietnam yet for our current adoption.

But ITA with the others, you have to do what is right for the kids you already have (and their mommy)--that is not selfish.

Nikki said...

Noway that's selfish.

You're human, you're allowed to reach your limit.

kris said...

Ditto to Connie... though I understand that twinge of sadness. It's always like that when we make these huge decisions. I even had that in making this decision TO adopt. Giving up my freedom, all that...

Wes said...

Don't be sad. Rejoice in your contentment. You're that much nearer inner peace!

Kristi said...

Not adopting is not selfish. Threatening to sell your kids on ebay is selfish. Thus my husband is selfish.

You, my dear, are self-less. Cheers to you and enjoy your beautiful family.

Pattie said...

:(
That was how I felt when I decide not to have any more children.
Your family is "complete"....
You are amazing!

Shelley said...

You are an incredible Mom and you do make such a difference (for a lot of people).

I know it makes you a little sad to come to that decision (I felt it too), but raising 3 kids IS hard work. You are doing the right thing to honor your emotional and mental limitations and doing what is right for your family ...and giving them the best you have to give.

Noneofyour... said...

Hey...no judgement to be had here. We're LID 6/7/06 and are currently debating whether to weather the wait or NOT.

It's not easy. We brought L home in December of 2002. She will turn FIVE this month. We were not counting on this long of a wait.

If it continues, hubs will be 50 when S enters kindergarten. NOT what we wanted.

We're waiting to see if things speed up and if, perhaps, since we have to RE-DO OUR PAPERWORK, that we can UP the age of child requested.

It's just so personal...it has SO much to do with where you (and your family) are at a certain point.

Dan said...

Being content is what it's all about. Why do something that makes you NOT content. How is that loving?

Hugs.

Happy Easter and/or Passover!

Jodie said...

Nothing to feel guilty about sweetie. I'm done too. I can't get up off the floor after playing with Julia, that's how I know! ;)

Ninotchka said...

{{{{hugs}}} At least you know it now and not after. You know what I mean? I don't know if that helps but I'm thinking about you, luv!

Perrin said...

Oh, I know how you feel. I think that we too are done. This is not selfish at all. But it does sting just a wee bit, yes? Take care of yourself.

Mrs. T said...

This is not selfish. This is practical. Sometimes you're just done. ANd that's alright.

Recovering Wino said...

I think it is the very responsible and good thing to do...be true to yourself and what you want. You have a lot to offer the world.

Tori said...

You guys are complete now. And you have a full plate... a few hundred dogs, kids, parties to arrange, articles to write, shops to visit, people to see....

You are done and that's ok....

(Besides - would EJ ever stand for another smaller person in her life other than the leetle tiny dog who she abuses whenever possible....)

hautemama said...

Ok i'm jealous (; You have alot of blog fans out there!!!

scribbit said...

I don't know if it's a similar thing to what I felt but when I finally realized I was done having babies it felt like that was the end of a very important part of my life. Hard to have it last forever but sad to leave.

Stephanie A. said...

I'm coming out of hiding to say Kristin, don't be so hard on yourself. As everyone else has said, you rock the mom thing. It does not make you less of a mother if you make a decision that keeps your family running smoothly.

ciodude said...

(hugs)

MotherReader said...

I'm not even sure I get how it would be selfish. It can be a little sad to think about not having a new little one around the house, even when you're confident in your decision. But not selfish.

dodo said...

hi. it's been a while. how's the sad?

Doris & Dan said...

It is not selfish. It is a mature and hard decision. Brave of you to realize it and make it.

Keep smilin!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kristin said...

I can't thank all of you enough for your supportive words... they all helped me feel more confident in our decision.

Jenny said...

It always breaks your heart when you realize that you're human and that you can't save the world. It's not selfish at all. A selfish person wouldn't feel guilt at making that decision. A compassionate but realistic person would.

Sandra said...

I understand this more than you know.

Kevin Charnas said...

Being content is NOT too selfish a reason. Being honest is as real as you can get. About anything.

Bill said...

Where would Lil Eva be without us, where would we be without Eva?