Saturday, December 09, 2006

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - Or, Santa is an Asshole

I was all set to give you my rant and rave about what a complete and total prick Santa is to Rudolph in the 1964 Rankin/Bass Christmas special, but then I found this and it was so fantastic that I am sharing...

O P E N L E T T E R S
T O P E O P L E O R E N T I T I E S
W H O A R E U N L I K E L Y
T O R E S P O N D .

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[Send your open letters to openletters@mcsweeneys.net.]

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AN OPEN LETTER TO RUDOLPH
THE RED-NOSED REINDEER.

December 7, 2005

Dear Rudolph,

Oh, Rudolph, where to begin? I've loved you since I was a child, and I can no longer stand back and be a passive observer in what clearly amounts to a serious self-esteem problem on your part. A true friend steps in and tries to help another friend in need. Friends don't let friends drive a sleigh for a petty, cranky, two-faced jackass, even if he is Santa Claus.

When Santa came over to you that foggy Christmas Eve and asked, "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?," I couldn't wait for the part where you'd tell Santa to stick it up his ass, and run off with Hermey to open a thriving dental practice on the Island of Misfit Toys. So what if Christmas got canceled that year and all the little boys and girls all over the world would wake up to empty stockings by the fireplace. You needed to teach Santa a lesson in how to treat people.

However, you didn't do that. Instead, to my shock, you were happy that Santa asked you to guide his sleigh! You said, "Sure, I'll guide your sleigh! I'd be thrilled to!" Then off you went with that creep, who up until then had treated you like you were the bastard child of the Elephant Man.

What gives?

Rudolph, my friend, do you know what it means to be used?

Have you forgotten how, from the moment you were born, Santa was totally freaked out by your nose and let it be known that you would never join his flying reindeer team with that glaring red beak of yours? Have you forgotten the rejection by your own father, Donner, who forced you to cover your nose in black dirt just to please Santa? Have you forgotten how the public humiliation and rejection in Santa's Village was so enormous that you felt it necessary to leave town altogether? Do you really want to be on a flying reindeer team full of a bunch of jock assholes who teased you mercilessly and refused to let you join in any reindeer games?

Let me tell you something, Rudolph. Your red nose is beautiful. It is what makes you unique, what sets you apart from the others. You are better than all of them. Santa should have known that. He should have stood up for you right away and championed your individuality from the get-go. What kind of a leader wants all of his employees to be exactly the same? Cookie-cutter replicas of each other, blending into the soulless void of nondescript North Pole totalitarianism?

Sure, Santa was all nice that foggy Christmas Eve, but Santa is not your friend. Santa was just kissing up to you so that you could bail him out of a tough situation. Screw him! He will just use you and throw you away. Please, Rudolph, think twice before doing another favor for Santa. Think about this: If you rearrange the letters in "Santa," what do you get? I don't think that's an accident.

Your true friend,
A.F. Passafiume

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I want to buy this guy an eggnog.


29 comments:

Melissa said...

that is great !!!

wzgirl said...

Very, very funny...

Connie said...

Priceless!

Mrs. Chicky said...

Finally, someone steps up for the little guy! I always thought Santa was an ass in that show, even when I was a kid.

Jill said...

Santa was quite the conformist in 1964, wasn't he? I bet he loosened up by the 70s'. Everybody did.

Mel said...

Yeah, you know, I never liked that show when I was a kid, because I thought Santa was a total dick. (Can I say "dick" here? I think I can, but it's been a while.)
Now, as an adult, I prefer to imagine that Rudolph was tasting the heady flavor of "My Enemy Has His Ass In A Crack And Now Must Debase Himself To Me By Asking My Help."
Because I'm petty like that.
Yeah.

Rach said...

Too funny!

s@bd said...

preferably an alcoholic one.

Bonnie B said...

Funny!

LindaJ said...

I always wondered why Santa was always ans asshole to poor Rudolph. Really, what sort of example is he setting? he was only worried about his reputation with the boys and girls.
Where is the follow up movie showing Santa being the bigger person and standing up for Rudy?

And another thing......Why is it that "Santa" leaves the awesome kick ass gift in the morning? Mom & Dad are left giving the lesser gifts. See there he is again being the selfish glory whore.

Lisa said...

THAT IS THE BEST! It wasn't until this past year watching that I clued in and thought, "Santa's kind of a jerk there." So that makes this even funnier for me.

losrulz2002@yahoo.com said...

Right on, Rudolph! Grow some balls!

Los said...

Right on, Rudolph! Grow some balls!

Los said...

Right on, Rudolph! Grow some balls!

Los said...

Right on, Rudolph! Grow some balls!

Los said...

Right on, Rudolph! Grow some balls!

Los said...

Right on, Rudolph! Grow some balls!

Los said...

Right on, Rudolph! Grow some balls!

Eric said...

You have to love it when commenters feel strongly enough about their comment to submit it 7 times. This particular comment, however, is only a "one-time submitter." Sorry. Anyway, I completely agree. I have thought Santa was an ass ever since he hosed me on that bike I wanted back in '74.

Lisa & Jeff said...

I love it! I remember when I was a kid and I thought Santa was so rude to that poor little reindeer. I would have told him to stuff it! AND don't even get me started on Rudolph's dad!!

InterstellarLass said...

They all need a beer and a shot.

Damselfly said...

Too funny. You're right. Santa is mean, and Rudolph's dad is a real jerk. And so is the guy leading the toy workshop, whatever his name is.

Pattie said...

Right on Rudolph! Grow some balls! Oh wait....did someone already say that????

:)

hautemama said...

Rudy RULES!

Stephanie A. said...

Awesome!

Shelley said...

Hah!!!! Superb.

Recovering Wino said...

It's a good lesson in being humble. More people should take his lead this season, don't you think?

Too much AA, I know, I know:)

BillB said...

I'm surprised Rudolph didn't come back with painted face, Rambo head band and an army of rejected Toys and start a blood bath North pole coup

Anonymous said...

The whole holiday is about turning children into materialistic monsters anyway. The Santa in that show fits the bill perfectly. I think it should just be about spending a bit of time with your family.