Friday, September 22, 2006

TKO

Hugh and I, for the most part, do not fight. We have snippy moments and "discussions", but big ol' arguments? Not so much. There are a few reasons for this, but mostly, we just don't have much to be angry about... sure, there are times when things are definitely more heated, but typically we cruise along.

This is fascinating stuff because I grew up with parents who were BIG fighters and BIG maker-uppers. They would go at it all night long (the fighting, not the making up - ewwwww!) and I grew up thinking that throwing things and sobbing and slamming doors, followed by expensive jewelry and HIGH spirits was a normal course of business.

Hugh grew up with parents who rarely fought... in fact, he can't remember once seeing or hearing an argument.

Of course, both sets of parents are now divorced, so apparently neither method is particularly successful.

Needless to say, our marriage took a few years of serious tweaking between his unwillingness to fight (annoying) and my drama-'til-dawn approach to issue solving.

We've managed to come to a pretty good place.

Until last night when we had the mother of all arguments.

And now I remember just why we don't fight: It sucks the soul right out of you. He is all, "I think that this has actually been beneficial and helpful" and I am thinking, "I want to smack you right in the helpful and beneficial, bub!"

So, Internet, I ask you: Do you fight with your significant other? What is your "style" and, more importantly, do you go to bed angry?

And, can you take my husband for a few days?

42 comments:

Johnny said...

Well, before marriage, I was aiming for the credo: Don't go to bed angry.

Nope, hasn't worked.

Because of her first marriage, she is very hesitant to fight. She just turns her back (figuratively) to the fight and says, "Whatever".

Human beings fight. The only thing I try to keep in mind (in the middle of intense exchange of words) is not to utter something so hurtful that it will be remembered by both of us for a L-O-N-G time.

Whidden-Phillips said...

We used to fight a bunch, but now not so much. He was never much f a fighter- and I grew up with "Fuss Fighting"- I even thought it was fun. Most of our fights were over my refusal to ever make a desicion. Now I just state what I want- if he doesn't like it we talk.
Now we may diagree, bt not too much fighting. Now that I have said that expect a blow-out any day now. Its overdue.

Los said...

Thankfully, my wife doesn't take no sh*t from me, because I'm a very stubborn pain in the butt sometimes. Because of that, we hardly ever fight. Plus, we have an agreement to work any disagreements out before we go to sleep.

Kim M. said...

We don't really fight much. If we do it's because of me and he doesn't say much back. Then I feel bad and usually have to make it up, if you know what I mean.

Kaci said...

Eh, not so much. I think we've come to a point in life where it just isn't worth the effort to FIGHT about the little stuff. I'm the hot head & he's so NOT -- so that helps, too. I can pop off & he's somehow able to make it all funny & we typically end up laughing & cuddling. (I know, ewwww!) We tend to agree on all the big stuff, so no fights there. I must admit it all sounds a little too "perfect" when I type it out.

Becky said...

we dont have big fights persay. we do argue and sometimes i wanna smack him but we always settle it. we never go to bed angry. or in our case since he works nites, he never leaves for work angry.

Jenn said...

Mike and I don't fight. Like you, occationaly we have the slightly heated conversation.....but that's the extent of it, and even that is rare. What we DO is talk to each other about what bothers us beFORE it turns into a fight (I know! What a concept!!)

Princess in Galoshes said...

We're both pretty passive, so fighting is few and far between for us, and then it's usually just more hurt feelings and apologizing. I am not very good at communicating when I'm upset, so he's been a good influence on me that way- talking things through rationally, right away, even when I don't feel like it. I try to follow his example, that way, but it sure doesn't come naturally!

M3 (Mary-Mia) said...

Yeah I used to try for that "don't go to bed angry" thing. But that would mean I couldn't ever hold a grudge (gasp). So that one gets tossed out on occasion. One time Rod and I had been bickering for a few days and I turned to him and bit out "I don't even LIKE you! And I haven't liked you since Tuesday!" It irked him at the time but now we just die laughing when one of us brings it up.

InterstellarLass said...

Nick and I don't fight too much. I try to stay pretty even keeled. My Ex and I used to fight A LOT. Of course, when you're trying to fight and reason with a drunk-off-his-ass alcoholic, it doesn't really get you anywhere. I used to feel so drained when it came to our fights, and I hate that feeling, so I don't go there anymore.

Nick and I have gone to be angry. I don't think it can be helped sometimes. But I try not to stay angry. It's not worth it. Why would I want to be married to someone that I was angry with all the time?

But no, I'm going to make you keep your husband. I don't need two! ;)

Nikki said...

Kristin, I'd take him but my house is full ~ahem~

We rarely fight, but when we do - IT'S A LOO LOO.

Yes we go to bed bad. It's gets pretty ugly, no doubt about it and it takes a while to get back on track because we stay pissed for so long.

Now, if Charles told me that the fight had been benificial and I was still mad?....I'd tell him it would be benificial if he would kiss my ass and become a eunch - because I have love for him like that. LOL

KAT said...

My parents fought while I was growing up so I tend to try to avoid it now. I have a tendency to try to talk things out while my boyfriend wants to yell (he says he's just "talking loud.") We don't ever go to bed angry mostly because he can't sleep if an argument is hanging over his head. Of course, this once led to both us awake until 4 a.m. going back and forth over some silly little thing, so I'm not sure I recommend the rule at all!

rubyiscoming said...

Joel and I have a very similar relationship to you and Hugh....just snarky snaps over stupid stuff, and maybe 3 "fights" in 7 years.

My parents were MAJOR fighters - and divorced.

Although, my hubby's habits (snoring and constantly clearing his throat) could drive me to become Roxy Hart in CHICAGO :)

carrie said...

Everyone always says that -- don't go to bed angry. I think that's impossible.

Sometimes you may have a disagreement between the two of you that can't be solved with a quick "I'm sorry" and a smooch.

Sometimes, I think allowing each person time to cool off before they say anything they will regret is a good thing, even if you're sleeping a la pissed off. A clear perspective in the morning has helped us get through some big ones.

So, yes we fight. But, we try to do it respectfully (I said "try"), and not in front of the kids. We DO disagree and resolve things in front of the kids so they can see that this is NORMAL. It's human nature and I believe that they need to see things being resolved by their parents. I don't think it is normal not to fight/disagree from time to time, and to me, it is a sign that we care enough to fight about "it" or whatever it is.

If we didn't fight, and things were like a movie, then I'd worry -- a lot.

Carrie

ps. I hope you feel better, and no, I don't want your husband but thanks for asking!!! But wait, does he do floors??? LOL!!! ;0)

Christina_the_wench said...

We fight. I usually wanna kick his ass across the subdivision. We go to bed angry. He apologizes the next day for being an ass. I accept.

End of argument. *bats eyes*

Oh, The Joys said...

Normally we don't fight. We never yell or say really mean things. We do discuss, at length... we PROCESS disagreements. It takes forever.

something blue said...

Both our parents are divorced too and yes we fight. I make a conscious effort not to do so in front of the children. That can be hard to manage as the discussion gets more heated. The nature of disagreeing does not allow us to schedule a fight.

Sex & Moxie said...

My ex and I normally had very rational arguments. We both owned our feelings so we never did the "When you do XYZ it makes me feel ABC."

Heather said...

He still has some pretty bad welts from our last fight. No, but seriously we've been married for less than a month, and we do butt heads (given that we're fairly opposite in our opinions about a few things) but we always seem to just need to cool off then one of us gives in and says "I don't wanna do this anymore" and it's over. I'm also getting better at expressing the little things that make me crusty so which helps things get lots more rational.

Kevin Charnas said...

Oh yeah. I really try to stay rational and calm, so that it stays as a discussion. But Will immediately clams up when we start having a "discussion", which amps me up because it's so frustrating.

We try not to go to bed mad, but then again, I try not to say anything argumentative after 9pm. By then, we're tired and everything seems much bigger when you're tired. And usually in the morning I think how ridiculous the whole thing was.

Recently though, we had a HUGE fight, our biggest. And it left me feeling broken for a week. It was awful, just awful. I wanted to cry, which I later did. I wanted to run, but didn't. We both stayed, because we know that it's worth fighting for...literally sometimes, as much as it hurts.

I do have rules I try (try) to follow. I try to look at my mouth as a tube of toothpaste; have you ever tried to put toothpaste back in the tube after you've squeezed it out?

I'm sorry, sweets...I'm sending you good thoughts.

Occidental Girl said...

Oh, man. Our fights can be terrible. Soul-sucking, like you said, is the right way to describe the way it feels. The worst part is the unpredictability of what may be said. This is a serious problem for my husband, to monitor what he says to me. He criticizes, rather than complains about the problem. He attacks my character, instead of telling me what's bothering him.

It's crazy. A lot of times I go to bed still mad because he hasn't listened to my point of view.

We've been married less than a year! It's my second time. Oy.

We have "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", which he is reading. He knows the criticisms are a huge problem and have to stop if we're going to last. Ugh.

Things are good between us when they're good. Why does an intense personality have to equal intense anger? Why can't it mean intense empathy?

Occidental Girl said...

I should have said, "which he is also reading", because I am reading it, too.

Jill said...

We used to be very hot and noisy fighters, now not so much. These days it's mostly just snippiness and seething resentment when we are upset. Who has time for emotional upheaval anymore?

Jodi said...

Yeah, Chad and I hardly ever fight either. Really. But, when we do. LAWDY. Soul sucking as you said. We go to bed angry. Sometimes I don't talk to him for 3 days. When I am fighting with him I am ranting and raving and waving my hands, I think I am Italian. Chad just sits there and looks at me like I am a nutcase, which I am, and hardly says anything back to me. Which makes me INSANE...and I think it's part of his tactic to prove his point, that indeed I am crazy as a loon....Then we talk things over, make a new plan, new agreement whathaveyou, and life goes back to normal.

yeah, I'll take Hugh for a few days. We have a very small guest room he can camp out in a for a few days. :) Believe you me, he'd appreciate you and your life after seeing the madhouse we live in over here. I hope things are looking up for you today. Fighting with the one you love the most is EXHAUSTING and makes a person sad. Sending you a blog hug.

Ann said...

First off if I take your hubby you have to take mine...fair is fair...
Yes we do fight. And it has taken a few to figure out how to fight fair. But hubby and I fight with passion. We get it all out in the open fast...and loud sometimes. Then it's over. And we don't go to bed mad, b/c that usually means you get up mad and that's no way to start a day. We get it over with.

holly said...

We aren't big fighters - both of us were in previously shitty marriages where the fighting was pretty bad. What is scary is that we are so much alike -- that we get on one another's nerves. It's like looking in a mirror sometimes.
We work oppostite schedules, and bicker more when we've been apart for days, due to the lack of communication. We are better when we have some time together.

I've done the all-nighters. Can.Go.There.Ever.Again.
Not worth it to me.
My BIG thing is always thinking before I say something that I would regret. We are both pretty good about that.

Jodie said...

I HATE fighting with my husband! We both love each other immensely, but every so often, we have a HUGE fight. The words that we say to each other, OMG. Cuts right to the heart and it does suck the soul out me too!

But, I have a trick. For almost 12 years, this has worked for me. All I have to do when we're having a fight is start crying. As soon as my eyes water, it's over and I'm the most beautiful, bestest woman in the world! I don't mind playing that card at all. After the tears start, I add a little bit of, "I'm so hurt" and that diffuses the whole heated thing.

Works everytime!

Mommy off the Record said...

I'll take your husband if you take mine. Hey, we could start a "Husband Swap" -- like a spinoff of Wife Swap. he he

Anyways, enough with the corny jokes. To answer your question, my husband and I don't do big dramatic arguments. This is because my husband is a very mellow person. He's never yelled at me. And I'm not exaggerating - he really never has. I, on the other hand, well, I get more upset at him and on a rare ocassion, I've been known to "hit" him too (not that I could really hurt him. He's a foot taller than I am). If he had my fiery personality, I think we WOULD have big fights. But luckily, we don't. We've never done the silent treatment thing or held grudges or gotten into any really mean stuff. Once we have the "heated conversation", that's kinda the end of it.

Angry Dad said...

I don't want to fight. It hurts too much. My wifes too strong!

mamatulip said...

We try not to go to bed angry but there are times when I am still steamed when I fall asleep. I'm a very emotional person so there are times when I react first with my emotions firing, and those are the times that I need to just walk away, take a breather and sort out what I want to hang on to and what I can toss aside and chalk up to fired emotions. Dave's somewhat of a dirty fighter and for that reason I really have to pick my battles with him, but the big things, the serious things, we almost always sit down and work through calmly and rationally.

We have had a couple of doozies though.

kim said...

back in the day ...when i was young enough and had the energy to fight, they were yelling screaming and emotional fights, maybe thats why the ex is the ex?

dick and i (his names really richard) dont fight usually...we discuss and actually try and see each others point of view...humor and sarcasm usually defuses most everything ....but lately we've been sniping at each other due to stress and it isnt pretty :)

Pendullum said...

Don't know if I would take Hugh... Mr. Hanging pics while singing penis coladas song... but you can come and stay up here ANYTIME Kristin....
I am a firm believer in going to bed angry....
I believe through a restless night of lack of sleep... and time to reason... it works out...
I always need time to digest when I am anrgry... and I know that you can never take back words said in anger.... So, I need to sleep it off.... and so does he....

Pendullum said...

Ohhh... I forgot to mention...
We HAVE to sleep in separate rooms...
as I can not even breath near him when I am angry...and he feels the same... 17 years has not changed us much...
Spoiled little kids... That's what we are...

Feral Mom said...

Though we rarely fight (and have only had one knock down dragout) things can get pretty snippy and exasperated. Usually defused with the following:
Me: You hate me.
Him: I don't hate you. I just hate everything you stand for.

or

Him: You hate me.
Me: I don't hate you. I just hate your sin.

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Petite Mom Blogger said...

Yep, we argue but we don't go to bed angry or if one of us is going somewhere we don't leave angry.

Lisa said...

This is a big reason why I didn't post much last week. We fought ALOT. It does suck the soul right out of you. We didn't have a tiff, we had an argument where we screamed at each other. And I go to bed angry. And I don't get any sleep then wake up with a migraine.

Our fights happen at night when we're both tired and cranky. So after a number of years, we've learned that's the best time of day to both do our own thing... Cuts down on the fights...

Lisa said...

This is a big reason why I didn't post much last week. We fought ALOT. It does suck the soul right out of you. We didn't have a tiff, we had an argument where we screamed at each other. And I go to bed angry. And I don't get any sleep then wake up with a migraine.

Our fights happen at night when we're both tired and cranky. So after a number of years, we've learned that's the best time of day to both do our own thing... Cuts down on the fights...

Stephanie A. said...

Adam and I don't have the huge up until dawn fights we had before we were married. For us they aren't helpful because the issue never gets solved and the next fight will keep us up even later.

We broke up for a little bit and before we got back together we decided that we were going to leave the drama fights behind us. Aside from maybe one big one a year, we have.

Ninotchka said...

I can count on ONE hand over the past 12+ years when we've really had a "fight" (raised voices, slamming of doors, tense silences, etc.)

We discuss. We argue. We get annoyed with each other. We always make up. We can even joke about it in short order. And yes, we go to bed angry. That's why we don't fight (as described above). There's no use trying to discuss something when one or both of us are agitated. That just never ends well. We cool off, take a time-out...then we can talk about things rationally.

What you said about both your sets of parents resonated with me. Such different styles. Both highly ineffective. Dysfunctional even. My parents were too. Horribly dysfunctional. It struck me that yes, we disagree on occasion and we bicker/banter. But and it's a big BUT (not to be confused with a big butt - hardy har har) we're fully functional. Boring, even. We simply don't have that much to fight about. We never did. And the disagreements lessen with each passing anniversary. Kind of cool, actually.

Sorry about the row between you two love birds. But hey, it happens. Otherwise, you wouldn't be human, now would you?

Melissa said...

I don't go to bed angry. I go to bed quite happy that his stupid ass is on the couch and I'm not.

We argue, but we don't generally fight, fight, you know? It's generally about stupid stuff that doesn't mean much like someone forgeting to pick up milk on their way home or something. When it's something bigger, we need time to not talk to each other or we scream and get mean. And neither of us like to scream and we regret it if we get mean. So if it means a night on the couch for him on occasion, it's not a big deal. Sometimes things are easier to deal with the next morning or afternoon.

Fazzy said...

Yes me and Dave fight....
I have wanted to leave... he has got out of the car, thrown things around.... screamed, cried...
But we are such "soul mates" right...?