Wednesday, August 02, 2006

That's A Wrap...

I have been in Hawaii for 10 days and I am at a personal best with I think a 40 pound weight gain. Well, maybe not quite that, but really, here in the land of rice with every meal and 500 calorie cocktails, it doesn't take much for the old bathing suit to really start earning it's keep... I am feeling, shall we say, a little full . My quickie solution is to go for a body wrap.

My mom and I have been popping in for several years now to see a former Mrs. Hawaii who is, according to my basic math, 77 years old... she looks to be about 50, so I feel like I can believe the lies she feeds me about the inches not being just water and sure this is fat loss. Whatever, I will look better for 2 days and that's all I am interested in... after all, Hugh arrives tomorrow.

This year I cannot locate Mrs. Hawaii. No answer at her place of business and no one around when I do a drive-by. Damn! And me sitting here swilling down drinks because the back of my mind is saying, "no worries, you can have a body wrap." Clearly, I have some work to do.

In the phonebook I find a "Slimmer You in One Hour" ad. I call and arrive promptly this afternoon. "6 to 20 inches in one hour" is a claim I can't afford to pass up.

Perhaps I should digress for a moment to clarify that I am a sucker. I believe commercials, infomercials and phone salesmen. If you tell me you need to sell magazines so you can get out of the ghetto and go to Cabo San Lucas, the odds are good that I will write you a check. I accept that a shampoo can change my life, that the right soda can bring me a good time and that every weight loss product is a guaranteed success.

I am my own worst enemy.

Anyhoo... I go in and proceed to strip down and am wrapped in these funky smelling ace bandages... head to toe. Well, actually there are little plastic bags on my hands and feet... then, once mummified, I am covered in a plastic raincoat. Honest. Now, at this point I think I am going to go and have a little lie down in a sauna or one of those infra-red chambers like Mrs. Hawaii sports, but instead I am told that I need to exercise/keep moving for an hour. Huh?

I am wrapped up so tight that I can barely move my appendages and this crazy woman wants me to work out? Fine. Where are the treadmills? No, she is just going to put an exercise video on in the lobby and I can do my thing out there... in front of the plate glass walls that overlook the entire mini-mall complex. Don't worry, they're tinted windows.

So, there I am, wrapped in ace bandages with a raincoat on trying to do some friggin Billy Blanks Tae Bo 2 tape and I swear if I am not slipping all over the place because of the plastic booties and hello! I can't lift my legs or arms more than about 2", so not really getting those cross jabs and roundhouse kicks in... but, people, I was trying! And then I looked behind me and there were a few teen boys with Taco Bell bags staring and laughing themselves stupid and I couldn't really blame them...

I had the girl switch the tape and spent the last 30 minutes walking in place like a crazed band member and watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

My hour is finally up and I did have muy fabuloso results so I told her I would be back on Saturday... but I was bringing my own damn tape.

54 comments:

Recovering Wino said...

Wow...the lengths one goes to for vanity.

Why don't you just wrap a garbage bag around yourself really really tight and throw yourself on one of those big luau spits that the roasts the pig rotisserie style. I'm sure you could burn something off and it's much more cost effective!

Christina_the_wench said...

Yeah, wouldn't like an hour in a sauna do the same thing and no amusing the tweens boys?

min said...

I'm glad you didn't video that, because nothing could live up to the picture I have in my mind!!
Anyway, I'm mad at you because you went off to Hawaii and never told me what the word "squick" means!

Joannah said...

Oh, my gosh! That sounds like something right out of a sitcom. I'm glad it was effective.

M3 (Mary-Mia) said...

Muy fabuloso results? I need numbers! How many pounds did the baggie bondage session shed?! ;-)

jennster said...

you had results?!?!?! LIKE WHAT KIND?! and i am cracking up that you would do this. SUCKER! lol...

Jodie said...

I'm kind of gullable...It really worked? Or are you just kidding? If it worked, I need to do it too! I'm still carrying around my vacation fat from last month.

I think I would pee through my bandages, laughing so hard at myself and anyone else in the room exercising with that get-up on though!

kim said...

thats some great self torture system ya got going there ....and you got to pay for it too!!
the teenagers probaby stop by there daily lol

Stephanie A. said...

Seriously, Skinny, I've never laughed harder at a blog post. The IMAGE of you (or what I have of you) dancing around in a raincoat and ace bandages will get me through many a dull moment.

Now, spill the beans, how many inches do you lose in those things?

Kristin said...

Suddenly Slimmer. They have a website.

I took the boys snorkeling late yesterday afternoon and felt just a little better about my ass floating on top of the water... you know?

I am sure that it is all water, but seriously, sometimes water retention can be very ugly. :-)

Tuesday Girl said...

jesus, I have got to get to Hawaii.

Mrs. Chicky said...

Please tell me you made that up because I'd feel really bad laughing at your pain.

I'm so sorry. I just can't stop giggling at the thought of you doing Tae Bo in front of a group of teenage boys.

hee hee

Damselfly said...

Are you really serious?! That was a wrap?! I would never have imagined.

Lisa said...

HOw funny. I always wondered if the wraps work. But I am too cheap to just try it. I need to hear it from other people first. Good to know.

Lisa said...

OH and on the adoption chat. YOU READ MY MIND. I have been meaning to e-mail you! Was waiting for you to get back from your trip!

Mel said...

You killed me. I died. My ghost is writing this. I laughed myself to death, and it is all your fault.
:)
Seriously? You are the most fucking awesome human in the world, no lie. I am now going to go to Walgreen's and buy all their Ace bandages, a raincoat, and a Jane Fonda workout video to see what results I get.
Heh.

Bonnie B said...

I wonder if she secretly charges people at Taco Bell for the show:)

WHere do I sign up? I have a party to go to tomorrow and I'm feeling as fluffy as a first grader's birthday cake.

Ann said...

LMAO, that is so funny. I so can see you in some lobby with gangly tweens watching you sipping soda. Thanks for putting a smile on my face. :0)

carrie said...

It could've been worse. It cold've been a Jane Fonda ir worse yet, a yoga tape!

I am still trying to picture it, and it is seriously cracking me up!!

Carrie

InterstellarLass said...

I can totally picture mummy woman in my mind, doing a workout. Maybe I need to check this out. I've heard the body-wrap legend before. Any inches off would give me a boost.

mollymcmommy said...

OMG girl you crack me up! i'm just picturing the whole scene....LMAO!!

m

Wendy said...

The mental picture of you in ace bandages and a rain coat exercising is hilarious! Hey, if it works then it's worth it;)

Kristen said...

Man it took a lot for me to get my mom's stupid computer to let me comment.

I am seriuosly dying over here picturing the boys laughing, you in the "suit" and the tae bo. Man.

Nikki said...

ROFLMAO!

Take me with you next time.

I'll charge admission to the kids who were laughing.

...hey, at least we'd make a buck.

Lisa S. said...

I can smell the tropical drinks from here! funny girl!

Kristi said...

Hey...if you send me $50,000 I'll feed all the starving children in Africa. No lie. You can trust me. Just send it cash and I promise I'll solve all the world's problems.

Good job on the wrap...I would've never thought...

Painter Beach Girl said...

sounds like a revamped version of a"Curves" workout.

Heather said...

I'd be too excited to be in Hawaii to spend any time away from the beach.

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

That sounds like a fun way to gain weight, and a funner way to lose it. Very funny stuff. Mayve you should star in a wrap workout video wearing the ace bandages and then you'd have it all covered..

Lisa

Shelley said...

OMG, that's hysterical.

crouching mother hidden diva said...

I read your post in the middle of the Sheraton Boston and nearly spit my Grande Soy Latte all over the free internet access!

A. I know you hate being sweaty.

B. Funky smelling Ace Bandages?
EEWWWWW! Just think where
they've been.

C. The raincoat? You are a
modern day Samoan Lucy Ricardo.

...and I love you and miss you more than I'd miss my husband. (Sorry for the Oprah/Gayle moment!)

Love, Jenn (read Oprah)

Kevin Charnas said...

LMFAO!!! HAHAHA!!! OH shit....well, had I been there, she would've made double the money, because I would've paid money to see you go through that! Oh, how I wish I were there...I'm sorry...but I would've been laughing my ass off...much like I'm doing now.

Los said...

I thought there was a rule in which calories don't count on vacation.

mothergoosemouse said...

I had one of those once. Not a fan. But at least I got to sit on my ass while the toxins leached out of my skin.

Suburban Turmoil said...

unbeLIEVable. You have a life that I can only imagine. ;)

Mama G said...

I'd gladly take the extra 40-lbs to be on a beach in Hawaii. Color me jealous.

A Friend said...

Kristin is kidding about the 40 pounds. I spent yesterday with her and she is as gorgeous as ever.

Kristin said...

That image of the ace bandage has stayed with me all day. I just thought you should know.

Mama C-ta said...

Seriously? That's the best thing I've heard all day! Just how many inches are we talking here?

Jenny said...

Ha! That didn't really happen, did it? Because seriously? That is the best story EVER.

You could sell it to Leno it's so good.

sunshine scribe said...

That is hysterical. It could have been on a Seinfeld episode. You. crack. me, up.

lildb said...

you. slay. me.

and I love your ownership of status as sucker for a good pitch. I kinda have to admit that I do, on occasion, succumb to the pitch, too.

p.s. I'll bet you looked Hottt in all those ace bandages. I won't bat an eye when I see ace bandages on the runway shows this fall.

Oh, The Joys said...

The boys with the taco bell bags is just too good!!

Gen said...

I wish someone had gotten a pic - hilarious!!! I think I just lost five pounds from just laughing at the visual ;)

Thanks for taking one for the girls!

Melissa said...

Dude, please tell me you have pictures. Please. I am freaking cracking up.

Petite Mom Blogger said...

That's some funny stuff..now how does it really work?

Colleen said...

I am seriously laughing out loud, all alone, in my wee little office. This sounds like an I love Lucy episode and is pretty damn hilarious.

And it worked? Now that's the kicker.

penguininthesun said...

oh man.... that made me laugh out loud. Soooo hysterical! I've never tried, but have considered. I am also a sucker for such things :X

Domestic Chicky said...

The visual...killing me

kim said...

are you back yet ??? i miss ya

jessie200 said...

Hi Kristin,

Unlike everyone else that seems to be on your blog, I am new and not know to you, but I can totally relate! To the point that I have just spent two hours (of my employers time I might add!) reading everything you have ever written! I have an almost two year old and am trying to re-invent my home. I thought about weight-loss and exercising for such a brief minute that a got a half-assed blog setup only to work out that I much prefer to read other peoples. I found you after reading Holly and Kevin's blogs (also divine!), I am in Sydney, Australia (sounds alot like Laguna Beach) and will continue to admire you from afar, write again soon, and kiss that georgous girls cheeks for me. What ever you do, don't check out my blog cause that is so not me, Jessica

Nikki said...

(taps foot)

And just where are you young lady? (crosses arms and non existant glasses slip to tip of nose)

Andrew said...

You sound like someone dressed up as The Mummy arriving at my door for Halloween, all wrapped in bandages :o)

To Love, Honor and Dismay

Tori said...

You are kidding RIGHT?
You SOOOO did not do that!
Ok you think that I go to hell and a handbasket when you leave me alone...
What about you - o rain'coated, bubble wrapped freak that you are?
Get back soon.... I fear your next madness might take you over the edge...
Hey
Where's my phone call for my birthday bitch?