Monday, July 31, 2006

People, Please!

After spending the day down on Waikiki Beach, probably one of the greatest crossroads of human-kind, I am compelled to try and establish some very basic seashore going guidelines...

1. Just because it comes in your size does not mean you should buy it. A bikini in a size 22 defeats the point and a speedo is just a poor choice at all times. Also, let's rethink the thong bottom shall we? Excellent under jeans. Tacky everywhere else.

2. Makeup. Don't wear it at the beach. I understand and subscribe to waterproof mascara, but anything beyond that is weird. Who are you foundation/blusher/eyeshadow girl? Where do you hail from? How do you swim with a face that has been spackled on?

3. Smoking. Smoking at the beach is simply gross. The beach is about feeling healthy and soaking up some vitamin C (while wearing factor 45 of course)... if you want to be eggy, head across the street and enter the first dive bar on your right. Your ciggies will fit right in.

4. Bratty kids. Drown them. Ooops, kidding! Seriously, people, contain your friggin' kids. I don't need them running across my towel and I don't need them making off with my kids' sand toys. If they want to sit and help dig a hole, I am fine with that. Very cute. If they make a grab for a pail and shovel and they hie their ass down the beach, I am going to be annoyed.

5. Lastly, hang up the phone. Put the cell phone down. You are not that important. Go in the water, toss a frisbee at your kid, take a surf lesson... anything, just please shut up.

So, there you go... 5 little suggestions to help make a day at the beach a more pleasant time for all...

* And as a special little rule for myself, I need to remember not to charge into the water and offer to tow my 8 year old back out to the surf lineup if I don't want him to hate me for the rest of the afternoon.

32 comments:

Mom101 said...

I officially love you just a wee bit more than I did yesterday.

Kel said...

you rock!

Mommy off the Record said...

So true. Everything you said. Thanks for the laugh!

P.S. I am still getting over my jealousy that you were in Waikiki.

kim said...

lmao @ drown them! people teach your kids some respect!! its not difficult sheesh

Aunt Becky said...

Hi Kristin!

It sounds like you are all having fun and relaxing in Hawaii! Tell Gobbs he should be stoked you're offering to tow him out so he doesn't have to paddle!
Aloha to the kids, your mom and Bill.

Lisa and Tate said...

Pictures??? I need pictures... Love the rules especially the cig and the cell phone.... I am glad you back to bloggin...

Lisa

carrie said...

Hee hee. One more to add to your list from my Hawaiian vacation: no nude sunbathing at the non nude beaches, even if you look like jesus (that does not mean you get to ignore the rules)! I will be scarred for life.

Carrie

Jenn said...

I'm guilty of the ciggy one. Or at least I was pre-allie. And yea, pictures!! Where are pictures?!?!?

Nikki said...

Um - I did the ciggie thing (raises hand)

Damselfly said...

Oh yeah!

I was at the beach once with a friend (when we were single) when this guy put down a towel next to us, stripped down to his thong, and started doing push-ups. Maybe he thought he was turning us on, but we just got up and left.

Soak up some good aloha while you're there!

InterstellarLass said...

Hear hear! These are all so true!

InterstellarLass said...

Or is it here here? Jeez.

Becky said...

LOL this was great. im so glad youre posting from hawaii!

Mega Mom said...

We so missed you luvaluv. PS, I have to take issue with #2. I like my covergirl outlast lipstick. I put it on in the am and never have to reapply. It makes me fit in with the lovely surfer girls just a tad.

Christina_the_wench said...

I wrote these down. For the next time I am at the beach. IN the year 2027.

Kristen said...

I agree. I also hate when people use the sand as a giant ashtray. Gross.

Lisa said...

My money is on #2 being from Texas.

Ann said...

So funny. LMAO. Can you post these guidelines at the entrance to the beach?

Heather said...

Oh no! But I love speedos! It's a deep love that started in swim team. They don't fall down! And? Us un-pretty chicks can cover up wearing them and still look sporty.

Oh and the drink report was missing from this post. You better be drinking something with a paper umbrella in it. :P

jennster said...

miss you! missed you at blogher!

Stephanie A. said...

These are not just rules for the beach, Kristin- they are rules for LIFE!

lildb said...

hee-heeeee. I'm pretty sure your kiddo will forgive you for the flagrant charging action. after all, who delivered his cute, young self to the tropical locale in the first place? ahhh, yes.

in the end, you win.

penguininthesun said...

wonderful, wonderful tips!

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

Ha! Funny how people can even ruin a day at the beach.

Lisa

Christie said...

Exactly

Tori said...

Hello my lovely friend.
I miss you and yours soooooo much. Currently Dave is into Day 2 of the drive to Montana avec four children and two dogs...
I am headed there tomorrow after I get the last of my pre-ops.
Have to say I would rather be slagging off fat chicks in thongs with you on a beach frankly. I could almost smell Hawaii when you were writing just then.
Please change your font color though. Satan has made it Tiny Green and I feel a little dizzy!
Say hi to the Bug and the boys...
I WANT TO BE IN HAAAAAWAIIIII....
We must get BlogHer penned in for next year. We can't miss out.
T

Kevin Charnas said...

Um...yeah, I think I second all of those! And the cell phone at the beach??? Yeah, I'm going to start turning them into suppositories if people don't curb their use.

Recovering Wino said...

Yes, it sure does sound like that month in Hawaii is grueling. Oh, if my only worries were kids running off with sand toys and smoking on the beach:) Ha Ha!

I, too, hate that, though.

Denial said...

LOL!!
I love kids, but where are the bratty kid's parents when you need then. aaagggghhhh!

Funny post!

Pattie said...

Heheheh...I have been at the beach twice this week, and all I can say to your list is "AMEN!"

J.D. said...

Thank you! "Hang up, you're not that important." Those are the words that consistently go through my mind when I see people on cell phones in obnoxious places, such as traffic. Unless you're negotiating a nuclear arms treaty, hang up and get out of the middle of the aisle. You're holding up the other Wal-Mart shoppers.

Oh, The Joys said...

As a swimmer of laps, I must INSIST that the speedo is good for that. In fact, it is the ONLY choice. Seriously.