Monday, March 06, 2006
Hey, it's Franklin... comin' over to play... and freak your kids out...
About a month ago I saw an ad on Noggin TV for the first ever Jamarama concert for kids. Now, Noggin has some pretty cute pre-schooler type shows, what with Laurie Berkner
as well as some other tolerable children's music programs, and so I thought it would be fun to take the Diva. I sent an email to a few other girlfriends and it ended up 4 moms and 4 little girls... what a sweet way to spend an afternoon! Singing and dancing with the girls and having a laugh with the girlfriends...
Or not. Or totally not.
Let's just say that Jama-fucking-rama was bad. Sooooo bad. And I don't mean bad-ass.
We walk into the theatre and the first "person" we see is Franklin. Hey Franklin! I don't really like Franklin because it bothers me that he tries to wear people clothes (ball cap and sometimes a neckerchief) while all the other animals go bare. I also am annoyed by Franklin having a proper name yet, all the other creatures in his forest go by their call sign: Bear, Beaver, Fox, etc...
So, there is the cap wearing Franklin wanting to envelop Eva into a big ol' freaky turtle hug. Please notice who is not in the photo. Yes, that's right, Eva is nowhere to be seen. She pretty much gave him her Mao face and, although the giant head makes it hard to tell, there was fear in that turtle's soup.
Sensing that the big Moose would also be a failure (again, a photo without any of our children...I settled for photos of kids we didn't know), we decided it was time for lunch (on the carpet in front of the Ladies Room... we are pretty much all class, all the time) and we apparently started a trend because this guy managed to find his way over to sit on the other side of the bathroom door to share a PB & J with his tots and that reminded us that we are actually really bitchin'. HAHAHA!
Ok, time to go into the auditorium proper and off we go and as we are queuing up to be all orderly and set a good example for the children, we run into Miffy. Miffy the silent bunny with "x" eyes that, in Japanese animation, would signify she is dead. None of the girls are remotely interested in Miffy, yet, we, the moms, still insist on acting all chirpy about how Miffy must be on her way to the backstage area so she can get ready for the show! Oh, yea, Miffy!! Please. Eva now turns her Mao face on me.
Our seats are muy excellente and, as the show begins, this so does not matter because it is clear that there is nothing that we actually want to see... in fact, being in the 2nd row only serves to shove the sheer awfulness of the damn show down our throat.
The lights start swirling and the music cues up and out bounces a pink sort of butterfly girl and her caterpillar friend. She is kind of cute in her polka dotted tights and wings, and he looks like his costume may have been pulled together from things around the house, but OK, butterfly and caterpillar... child festive friendly.
And then she opened her mouth. And Jenn covered her ears, and Audrey started signing madly to "go home" and I laughed so hard the the "action cam" which was trained on folks in the good seats, quickly zoomed off and never came near us again. Butterfly girl had the misfortune of being told that a high, squeaky, super enthusiastic voice was what children wanted to hear. Unfortunately, no one told her that a microphone actually isn't merely something to do with your hands, but that it serves the purpose of amplifying the human voice and therefore, you dumb butterfly bitch, you don't have to fucking shout!
Butterfly screamer and caterpillar dude are part of a group called the "Ohmies" and the fun of them is they are really "street" but they are bugs, so, no "homies" just "Ohmies". Or, just suck. You decide.
Ah, time for the first group, please welcome, Milkshake!! I am momentarily confused and I think Kelis is going to be teaching our girls how to bring all the boys to the yard, but then a rather oldish gal in a tutu and fun tights (this is how you distinguish yourself as a children's entertainer: zany tights) skips out and proceeds to sing the lamest song ever about sign language... and it is slow, and painful. But, then she kicks it up a notch with a little number about baseball and demonstrates what a showman she truly is by tossing oversized inflatable baseballs out into the audience... ask Jenn what the little boy in front of us did when Jenn snaked the ball from him so Emma could smack it... go on, ask her!
Milkshake finally ends and now we are bringing out Dan Zane. Nicki is a teacher and she informs us that they have some of his CDs at school and that he is pretty good. Pretty good until he sang a slow song about trying on clothes in a thrift store that is! Yeah, let's get the kids a rockin' with a song about a thrift store. Oh Dan, you are too Zane-y. Or sucky. I forget. Dan's act however is saved by the arrival of Father Goose. Father Goose is the Run in the Run Dan-M-Z number and he does get the kids to go wild to his rap version of basic kiddie songs... shit, we have been here for an hour and they finally bust out the good guy!
Time again for the Ohmies. Pink squeaker comes out and this time she has her fat yellow not as cute butterfly friend with her. This butterfly also feels that YELLING into the microphone is the way to go and now, we can no longer stand it, and we flee.
Yesterday is being called the great "Kristin Test of Friendship 2006". How many women do I know who will fork over $50, drive an hour and endure 75 minutes of the worst of child entertainment possible and yet, still return my calls.
Jenn, Tori, Nicki, I think you now know that I probably shouldn't be in charge of any activities. Christy, you were the smart one to stay home.