Monday, March 06, 2006

Jamarama-Ding-Dong
















Hey, it's Franklin... comin' over to play... and freak your kids out...

About a month ago I saw an ad on Noggin TV for the first ever Jamarama concert for kids. Now, Noggin has some pretty cute pre-schooler type shows, what with Laurie Berkner
as well as some other tolerable children's music programs, and so I thought it would be fun to take the Diva. I sent an email to a few other girlfriends and it ended up 4 moms and 4 little girls... what a sweet way to spend an afternoon! Singing and dancing with the girls and having a laugh with the girlfriends...

Or not. Or totally not.

Let's just say that Jama-fucking-rama was bad. Sooooo bad. And I don't mean bad-ass.

We walk into the theatre and the first "person" we see is Franklin. Hey Franklin! I don't really like Franklin because it bothers me that he tries to wear people clothes (ball cap and sometimes a neckerchief) while all the other animals go bare. I also am annoyed by Franklin having a proper name yet, all the other creatures in his forest go by their call sign: Bear, Beaver, Fox, etc...

So, there is the cap wearing Franklin wanting to envelop Eva into a big ol' freaky turtle hug. Please notice who is not in the photo. Yes, that's right, Eva is nowhere to be seen. She pretty much gave him her Mao face and, although the giant head makes it hard to tell, there was fear in that turtle's soup.



Sensing that the big Moose would also be a failure (again, a photo without any of our children...I settled for photos of kids we didn't know), we decided it was time for lunch (on the carpet in front of the Ladies Room... we are pretty much all class, all the time) and we apparently started a trend because this guy managed to find his way over to sit on the other side of the bathroom door to share a PB & J with his tots and that reminded us that we are actually really bitchin'. HAHAHA!

Ok, time to go into the auditorium proper and off we go and as we are queuing up to be all orderly and set a good example for the children, we run into Miffy. Miffy the silent bunny with "x" eyes that, in Japanese animation, would signify she is dead. None of the girls are remotely interested in Miffy, yet, we, the moms, still insist on acting all chirpy about how Miffy must be on her way to the backstage area so she can get ready for the show! Oh, yea, Miffy!! Please. Eva now turns her Mao face on me.















Our seats are muy excellente and, as the show begins, this so does not matter because it is clear that there is nothing that we actually want to see... in fact, being in the 2nd row only serves to shove the sheer awfulness of the damn show down our throat.

The lights start swirling and the music cues up and out bounces a pink sort of butterfly girl and her caterpillar friend. She is kind of cute in her polka dotted tights and wings, and he looks like his costume may have been pulled together from things around the house, but OK, butterfly and caterpillar... child festive friendly.

And then she opened her mouth. And Jenn covered her ears, and Audrey started signing madly to "go home" and I laughed so hard the the "action cam" which was trained on folks in the good seats, quickly zoomed off and never came near us again. Butterfly girl had the misfortune of being told that a high, squeaky, super enthusiastic voice was what children wanted to hear. Unfortunately, no one told her that a microphone actually isn't merely something to do with your hands, but that it serves the purpose of amplifying the human voice and therefore, you dumb butterfly bitch, you don't have to fucking shout!

Butterfly screamer and caterpillar dude are part of a group called the "Ohmies" and the fun of them is they are really "street" but they are bugs, so, no "homies" just "Ohmies". Or, just suck. You decide.

Ah, time for the first group, please welcome, Milkshake!! I am momentarily confused and I think Kelis is going to be teaching our girls how to bring all the boys to the yard, but then a rather oldish gal in a tutu and fun tights (this is how you distinguish yourself as a children's entertainer: zany tights) skips out and proceeds to sing the lamest song ever about sign language... and it is slow, and painful. But, then she kicks it up a notch with a little number about baseball and demonstrates what a showman she truly is by tossing oversized inflatable baseballs out into the audience... ask Jenn what the little boy in front of us did when Jenn snaked the ball from him so Emma could smack it... go on, ask her!

Milkshake finally ends and now we are bringing out Dan Zane. Nicki is a teacher and she informs us that they have some of his CDs at school and that he is pretty good. Pretty good until he sang a slow song about trying on clothes in a thrift store that is! Yeah, let's get the kids a rockin' with a song about a thrift store. Oh Dan, you are too Zane-y. Or sucky. I forget. Dan's act however is saved by the arrival of Father Goose. Father Goose is the Run in the Run Dan-M-Z number and he does get the kids to go wild to his rap version of basic kiddie songs... shit, we have been here for an hour and they finally bust out the good guy!

Time again for the Ohmies. Pink squeaker comes out and this time she has her fat yellow not as cute butterfly friend with her. This butterfly also feels that YELLING into the microphone is the way to go and now, we can no longer stand it, and we flee.

Yesterday is being called the great "Kristin Test of Friendship 2006". How many women do I know who will fork over $50, drive an hour and endure 75 minutes of the worst of child entertainment possible and yet, still return my calls.

Jenn, Tori, Nicki, I think you now know that I probably shouldn't be in charge of any activities. Christy, you were the smart one to stay home.


18 comments:

savymanda said...

Haaa Haa...Snort!

Um, that was really funny.

I, too, have been subjected to such bazar torture...which I also paid money for...on purpose.

Stephanie said...

You are too much. My daughter has been begging me to take her to that show - I think I will definatly pass.

Oh, and how come Little Bear and his pals run around buck naked, but his parents are all prim and proper. And have you seen the newest show WONDER PETS. Talk about unbelievable annoying. And yet, my four year old loves it. Go figure.

eastcoastermomma said...

Shoot! My kids want to go to that as well!

I have seen the Milkshake band and they were pretty lame.

Joannah said...

That does sound bad... Do I have to go to dumb shows with my kids to be a good mom?

Northern Stargirl said...

I love your blog and I think you are a really funny storyteller. You always make me laugh out loud!

Holly said...

Holy shit, Kristen.
The things we do for our kids.

There were the Power Rangers, Thundercats, Barney, Teletubbies, and now this?
I've been out of the loop. I don't know if I have the strength for what you've just been through.

It's going to be way more fun (and cheaper) just to get Daddy drunk, and let him entertain our Sarah in Mommy's cloths.....

Nicki said...

Let me just say that my migraine brought on by the ever lovely flutterby has yet to flutter away. I think I actually had nightmares about thrift stores and frolicking on the shore while involved in a wicked high speed exit on the 405 in my sleep last night. My child would have been just as happy listening to digital music- old school rap, and shaking her hiney in the comfort of her own living room, but we truly had a good time hanging out with our peeps. But the next time I receive an email from you with a children's show theme to it I am hitting delete immediately.

Anonymous said...

How about those Disney Ice Shows? We have been to several and they are OK, but where they get you is in the souvenirs. My daughter always wants something and it never lasts longer than the drive home.

Lisa said...

oh my god! What a funny friggin story! hahahahah I haven't even heard of some of these characters! When my guys were babies and little kids it started with smurfs and escalated to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and well to tell you the truth they just made that Franklin look like a big wuss! hahahahahahah funny business girl!

Anonymous said...

yer funny. are you pretty?

Kristin said...

ok, anonymous of the pretty questions? i finally know who you are... so, HAHAHA... you have had me going!

now, knock it off.

crouching mother hidden diva said...

Tragically, the child in front of us never recovered from the "inflatable ball" incident. I did however make it up to the parents when I found their keys that had fallen between the seats. And, despite the tragicomedy that is Jamarama, there were many high points off-stage -- foxy Donovan, Emma & Eilidh with pained expressions and headaches, exploring Naples -- It's all a big party! Clearly, we don't need Dramarama, er, Jamamomma to get our groove on. Just ask Hannah. She really enjoyed our special brand of crazy adult antics on Friday night!

Lisa and Tate said...

Too funny... I guess this is the nightmare I get to look forward to "enjoying" with my gal!!!???

Lisa

Jodie said...

Hilarious!

I just want you to know that since I read this post yesterday, I can't get that stupid Franklin theme song out of my head! Oh great, here it is again..."hey it's Franklin...comin' over to plaaaaaaaay..."

Kim M. said...

I had a similar experience with a Dragon Tales show. What a waste of money. I was more excited than my kids.

I love your thoughts about Franklin. That name thing has always bothered me and how about that song.Ugh!

Tori said...

God
I had forgotten about Sunday and now has to relive it all again... but Kristin you told it so wonderfully.
I love hanging with my friends and Jen is right there were many high points.
Now as to the show...
What is the deal with these out of work losers who never made it in 'grown up rock' and so had to revert to kid stuff - adding "zany tights"? Its clear that this selection was fucking awful. Zany tutu chick was bearable yet not nearly energetic enough... and for the Brooklyn group with their thrift store bollocks... I was flabbergasted. Not only did they suggest thrift store antics but they also suggested sneaking into the circus round the back becasue you couldn't afford a ticket!
Not that I don't love a good charity shop...but they had this inane, self absorbed bullshit sepia toned video footage playing behind them as they sang and there they were in the shop trying on hats.... loving the camera up and being totally "indy" movie with Parker Posy...
AT A CHILDREN'S SINGALONG SHOW...!
They all kept encouraging the kids to get up and dance...
What to? you ignorant twirps... This song is slow, folksy camp fire shite!!!!!
Go kids - go get your groove on with those jammin lyrics...
'find that perfect hat (once you've illegally watched the circus) at the thrift store..."
My lasting image is of Audrey shaking her head as she sat on her Mamma's knee. Then she started signing madly.... I'm Done, I'm Done... Home.. Home...
It was at that point - along with squeeky voice that we got the fuck out!

Fazzy said...

Scary! Glad I wasn't there! Hahaha poor LoLo!

Fazzy

Tikiking1 said...

Never knew there were so many Franklin Haters... My favorite is when he cheats on the spelling test to win a pen, or when he is embarrassed to wear his siren helmet.

I liked Jamarama... I played Baseball with Wyatt, played online poker after. Then bought a giant bottle of Captain Morgans and took it over to Hugh's and drank it.

Where are you guys going this weekend???