Sunday, March 22, 2009

How To Humiliate Yourself In 4 Easy Steps

My children did not have school on Friday... which is nothing unusual as despite the state of California mandating 185 academic days a year, my personal calendar clocks them at about 12. In the spirit of making the most of the 3 day weekend, Hugh took the boys up to Lake Mead for some boating/wake boarding/surf skiing fun times whilst Eva and I planned ourselves a few days of High School Musical 3 and shopping.

The girl child had a birthday party to attend on Friday so we headed out to the shops an hour before hand to pick up a present and grab an early lunch... somehow, a cute new pair of jeans managed to find their way into my hands and I was forced to buy them in my attempt to stimulate the economy.

Halfway to the party I decided I wanted to wear the new jeans (let's be honest, the ones I had on were feeling a wee bit snug), but home was too far so I opted to pull into a parking lot, to a remote spot and change in the car.

You can see where this is going right?

Now, I haven't changed clothes in a car since, oh the eighties, and I'm a lot less limber and back then I was probably slipping into some minuscule size nothing skirt and not trying to wrestle myself out of one pair of jeans and into another...

Step One (in theory) - Put seat as far back as it will go and recline... unzip jeans and raise hips, slide jeans down in one fluid motion. THE REALITY - Easy enough until you realize that the steering wheel is sort of in the way and you can't get your ass high enough off the seat so you start to endure a series of awkward tugs which end with your jeans above your knees and your tee shirt unattractively hiked up half over your bra.

Step Two (in theory) - Take new jeans, scrunch down and slip feet through... again raise hips and shimmy jeans up... THE REALITY - There isn't enough leg room to bring your knees up and again, the steering wheel gets in the way of being able to bend down.... settle for throwing jeans at your feet and prodding your way into them. Get jeans up to knees and then realize that you are sitting in a small car, with jeans halfway up (or down) your body, you are sweating like a whore in church and your daughter is looking at you strangely. Realize you are not quite sure how you will get jeans up and over your ass without standing. Sit for a few minutes and ponder sanity.

Step Three (in theory) - Well, in theory, the damn jeans are on by now, but THE REALITY has you splay yourself across both the driver and passenger seats and pull with all your might. Jeans are on! You spasm your way back behind the wheel, decide zipping and buttoning can wait but you do take a moment to talk to your daughter about "secrets" and how this is a story for just her and Mommy (and, apparently the Internet)...

Step Four (in theory) - Go about your business. Which I almost did... until, driving out of the parking lot when I saw THE REALITY of the security camera. Trained right on me.

Dear Lord, please let them blur out my face before they post it on You Tube.

21 comments:

Shelley said...

LOL - Most awesome.



Gillian said - Oh, THAT's bad. Really bad. giggle, giggle

Kristin said...

Shell - God's truth... Gillie is on it!

Anonymous said...

What do I look under on You Tube? "Caught on Tape" or what??

Jill said...

You are so totally going to end up on one of those "Caught on Film" shows on FX or something. I'll TIVO it for you! :-)

Kristin said...

Anon & Jill - Fair Warning: It's going to be ugly.

Ninotchka said...

HA HA HA HA HA Very funny story, very well told.

Los said...

My luck, I would probably get stuck in some position if I tried to change in a car.

Joannah said...

Seriously funny!

Pollyanna said...

OMG! That is toooo funny. Poor dear. Your heart was into it, that's all that counts, right? And you taught Eva a valuable lesson, good fashion must happen no matter the price. :)

I remember once in high school I was changing in the back of the car while my friend was driving (why did we always think we had to be moving to change our clothes?) and I was right in the middle of changing and realized that I totally flashed the car behind us! Shannan had to do some fancy driving to lose those sicko's let me tell ya. HAHAHAHA!

Anonymous said...

omg! is about all i can say.

n

dgm said...

"Sweating like a whore in church": pure poetry.

furiousBall said...

you know how you correct this, make yourself feel funny, this is very easy too...

1. grab two slices of any cold cut
2. insert each slice into pants, preferably covering an entire buttcheek
3. feel the funny

Amy Y said...

Nice :)

Kristin said...

Van - ah yes, the old bologna on the ass trick...

carrie said...

Oh, I would have just given up, opened the door and done it in the parking lot (with my hair pulled over my face of course)!

You're a trooper!

Mel said...

Oh, shit. THAT is priceless. And you may look on the bright side - at least you'll be a YouTube SOOPASTAH!
:D

hippo brigade said...

no way. You're fantastic. I'm sure the new jeans were well worth the effort.

rubyiscoming said...

Been. There. Tres humiliating. Mine included muffin-top. Good times.

Mocha said...

Why is it that I got so much joy out of your pain OR that I started looking through new(ish) YouTube videos to see you?

My favorite search on this: humiliated woman changing pants in her car

Love you for sharing this.

Every Day Goddess said...

LOL!! Hillarious!! That is totally something I would do ;)

Kristen said...

Dude. That's awesome. At that point, I would've just waved to the camera to be a smartass LOL.