Thursday, October 16, 2008

On Wives and Husbands


I am not the same woman my husband married.  

In some ways this is a good thing.  I am kinder and easier going and I can cook.

I have developed some talents that I didn't know I had, but I have also had to humble myself a few times...

But, physically, I am not the woman my husband married.

I am a fatter version of that girl... not a fat girl, but chubbier than the slip of a thing who walked down the aisle.

I work on it and systematically take off and put back on the same 20 pounds.

20 off. 20 on.  And so it goes.

Do you think I have an obligation to A) lose these pounds again and B) keep them off... for him?

And OMG, Hugh thinks I am beautiful no matter what... he's loved me skinny and he's loved me F.A.T. and he loves me now at somewhere in the middle.

But, I want to know... do our husbands deserve to wake up to the physical woman they married?




34 comments:

furiousBall said...

i won't go into my diatribe about my feelings on marriage as the token bitter divorced guy, but you know what ladies, honestly. we appreciate your figures so much more than you know. i'm a man, so bear with me, but women are more conscious of those extra pounds than men truly are. sexiness is a state of mind, a confidence, not a dress size. but then again, i'm also the token über-horny divorced guy too.

giggity-giggity
giggity-goo

Catholic Runner said...

lord I hope not...

Issas Crazy World said...

Hmmmm good question. I guess my answer is yes and no. Because everyone changes, men included. The big things, those shouldn't change. You know, being faithful, loving you, taking out the garbage, that should all stay the same or they've changed to much. But as we age, we all change and that is just something that happens. Dress size, libito, finances, grey hair and what have you....that stuff isn't in the vows for a reason. I mean I guess if someone changes and you don't find you still love them, then there is a problem. But as long as you both love each other, just as you are, then it should be okay.

I know I didn't answer your question really, but I hope that's okay.

Mel said...

I used to get mad when taking the "of course not" side of this debate back in the day. My primary talking points back then: 1)If he loves you, TRULY loves you, he doesn't care about a few pounds. 2) It isn't one free human being's responsibility to do anything for another free human being, nor is it that other person's bleepity-bleeping right to expect anything from the other, unless it's a parent-child relationship.

I guess, actually, that if you eliminated the bleepity, that would be my answer today also.

Amy Y said...

If they knocked up their wife, I say they must be Ok with the flabby tits and stretch marks that make a mom a mom. I think most of us, men and women, change for the worst physically as we age. That's just life.

Tori said...

If Big Wave looked just the same as he did when we were married, then I might care more. I try and stay fit and sexy and that's the best I can do!

You are just paranoid because Hugh has suddenly had "economic weight-loss" and is all trim. He fucking loves you every which way....
And you are gorgeous every which way!!!!

Now shut up and let's have a tuna melt!!!!!!

Shannen said...

I used to totally believe that YES, I should (at least try) to be the same woman my husband married. But...3 kids later, a bigger house to clean, more clothes to wash, blah blah blah, it isn't as easy as it used to be! I guess my answer is this; I don't think it's fair to either the man or woman to just let yourself go and not care (it's a health issue also) but to gain a few as you get older is sorta inevitable for most people.

mimi's mommy said...

We have been together for 26 years and married for 23. It just gets better. You grow and change and so does the relationship. We just know that we love and admire(and still have the hots for each other)and appreciate each earned pound or stretch mark or gray hair. Adds interest ...and...texture! :)

Carol

jenontheedge said...

Only if in turn I deserve to wake up to the same hunk I married. :-)

Luckily, mine loves me regardless of my weight.

Ninotchka said...

I don't think so. Besides, "deserve" is a dangerous word. Who of us "deserve" anything from someone we love, least of all an unrealistic ideal of beauty. Guy met me when I was 100 lb. before my boobs came in. We fell in love several years after (think my boobs coming in had anything to do with that? ha ha ha). He's loved me through thick and thin, literally and figuratively, and I him. Seen me at my best and worst, and I him. So, no I really don't think so. As long as you're still freaky or freakier! (that's a joke) (sort of)
and you're still madly in love with and attracted to each other (which I think you are).

I'm too battling my yo-yo ways. It's a daily struggle, girlfriend.

Ninotchka said...

PS I LOVE furiousball's answer. Especially the giggity-giggity-giggity-goo part.

BA HA HA HA

Michelle said...

I'm gonna have to go with "No" on this one, mostly because I am totally fat now. Seriously. I have gained 70 pounds since we got we met 20 years ago(please keep in mind that I was TOTAL stick then. And not healthy). Not that I am at a healthy weight now, but my husband certainly hasn't kept up the physique he had back then either(as you have witnessed in the pictures I posted on FB last weekend). My husband loves me the way I am. He tells me everyday that I am beautiful and that he doesn't even see the extra weight when he looks at me(and I feel the same about him). I would love it if we could both lose some weight so that we could be healthier, but as far as appearances go I don't feel like I have some obligation to look the way I did when I was 19 years old. (Some)People get older(and fatter) as time goes by. It sucks, but it's true.

Michelle said...

I'm gonna have to go with "No" on this one, mostly because I am totally fat now. Seriously. I have gained 70 pounds since we got we met 20 years ago(please keep in mind that I was TOTAL stick then. And not healthy). Not that I am at a healthy weight now, but my husband certainly hasn't kept up the physique he had back then either(as you have witnessed in the pictures I posted on FB last weekend). My husband loves me the way I am. He tells me everyday that I am beautiful and that he doesn't even see the extra weight when he looks at me(and I feel the same about him). I would love it if we could both lose some weight so that we could be healthier, but as far as appearances go I don't feel like I have some obligation to look the way I did when I was 19 years old. (Some)People get older(and fatter) as time goes by. It sucks, but it's true.

Kristin said...

Van - Now all the women are in love with you. But, I think most would agree that feeling sexy is key.

Catholic Runner - ;-)

Issa - Yes, absolutely... staying true to the "inside" person is much more important!

Mel - but I do love me some bleepity!

Amy - Yes, the changes that pregnancy bring are something that have to be accepted.

Tor - I'm not paranoid and this isn't about Hugh and me... I am curious as to what others think. As you said, Hugh loves me every which way. ;-)

Kristin said...

Shannen - good point... making some effort to remain stylish and/or attractive is reasonable as is staying with healthy habits.

Carol - "texture" is my new favorite!

Jen - Yeah, "deserve" is tricky. And, as Van pointed out, we worry way more about weight than they.

Nino - Just so you know, I love you because of your boobs.

Michelle - OMG, to be the weight I was at 19 I would have to revisit the fun teen world of bulimia.

Kayce said...

I say do what makes YOU happy. Mike loves me either way, but he'd love me even more if I "did" the things I "did" when we first started dating. LOL I'm with jenontheedge too...what about the hunk I married. ;)

Anonymous said...

You're gorgeous baby, always have been, always will be. You know that.

Kristin said...

Kayce - Crap... do something?? lol!

Anon - Thanks, Honey.

Pollyanna said...

OMG, I hope hope hope that it isn't true. I am WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY fatter than when Chad and I got married. Like way fatter. But, I hope that he still loves me, the girl on the inside, more than what my body looks like. Because if not he's wasted the last 17 years! Poor guy.

I am sure Hugh loves you and thinks you are awesome no matter what. He just wants you to be healthy and happy. Because that's what it's all about, right?

Los said...

If you want to lose weight, you need to do it for yourself. If you've truly married the right guy (or girl) that person will love you no matter what.

However, there is something to be said about being in good shape ...

dgm said...

You pose a great question. My instinct is to say no, of course you have no obligation to lose weight.

However, I have a friend who is a hardcore athlete and married a hardcore athlete. Several years into the marriage her husband completely let himself go to the point where he was morbidly obese. She supported him and tried to get him healthy for many years, then finally realized he did not want to change himself. She left him. Strictly speaking, it was not because of the weight gain, but what the weight gain revealed to her about his indifference about living a long and healthy life, and what she saw as wallowing in self-pity. That, to her, was beyond repair until he chose to make a change.

That's an extreme example, but it goes to the point that I think we do have an obligation in a marriage to try to be our best selves inside. That doesn't mean our skinniest selves: if you are happy and confident even twenty pounds heavier, then you actually really are the same girl Hugh married.

ginhovil said...

OMG I sure hope not. However I have to say...I think the pressure is on women far more than men to keep the svelt figures! And we go through far more changes than they do! Babies, periods, hormones, menopause. Things we cannot help. Did you ever hear of People magazine making fun of John Goodman? No...it's all about the women! And most of that sticks with us! With that said...I don't think any man 'deserves' it. I do think it is my responsibility to try to stay healthy...as is his. I think wieght shouldn't matter...to me what matters is I need to be presentable...showered, dress appropriate to my size, blah blah blah. AND...neither one of us looks like we did! We are both fatter...but we are both healthier now...and are working together to be that way. I have basically been fat all my life. Either love me or not!

Kristin said...

Jodi - 6 WAYS? You are too funny!

Los - something to be said as in "healthy is good" or something to be said as in "more do-able"?

Denise - absolutely, to fall apart, whether it be physically or mentally or emotionally and be forever resistant to help/change isn't good for anyone.

Ginhovil - Yeah, the tabloid spreads on women who shed the baby weight in 3 days don't help any of us... in fact, it makes a girl want to through in the towel!!

Anonymous said...

At their 33rd wedding anniversary my grandfather bragged about the fact that my grandmother could still fit into her wedding dress. "Still 114 pounds!" he told everyone looking at pictures of them from the past. It sounded as though he was talking about livestock or a newborn baby, not a woman who was worth a lot more than her 114 pounds!

kim said...

No ..they are lucky they have us. Period.

Joe said...

I think Hugh has the right idea. A little weight on or off...a few wrinkles...those things don't matter. It's always about the person - and it goes far beyond the physical.

In much the same way, does the wife deserve to have her husband lose the small spare tire he's gained, or to have him do something about his receding hairline?

For me, I'm happy as long as she's happy. It's as simple as that.

Damselfly said...

Girl, I have seen pictures of you. You are smokin', if you don't mind me saying.

Besides, wasn't that part of the marriage vows? "For richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; fat or thin, till death do us part?"

Daniella said...

Interesting subject For me/us - I was a size 2 when we met and a size 4 when we married. Now, well I am not a 4. My husband is not the same physically but I find him as attractive as I did then (he was super thin, gained and now lost). We r together 20 years. Obviously we have both changed. I don't think it is a deserve issue or an obligation to the other. For me I like to stay in shape (although I always need to loose
(10-15) but more of a comfort level together - my husband tells me all the time I am as beautiful now as then. I believe that also comes with enduring life together - good, bad, all of it. I think for our own self esteem and HEALTH we should stay physical but not necessarily who we were the day we met. So to answer your ? you should loose and keep off what you feel makes you comfortable -

carrie said...

Um no.

And I'm not complaining about the receding hairline either. I really don't care, I didn't marry him for his hair.

Love is love.

Gen said...

Heh -

in my case, only of I get to wake up to how he looked when we got married!

It doesn't matter if the man you married loves you regardless of changes. Us bitches are our own worst enemy. I say this because we criticize ourselves all the time and have some crazy "ideal body type" that we'd like to look like.

There was one time in my life that i truly felt like my bod rocked and it was also one of the most miserable time of my life because Sean and I were having issues. Rather than deal w/ my marital relationship, I dealt with my physical appearance. Emotionally though, I was a wreck.

I can probably work at finding a healthy balance I'm sure but that's my demon.

You are beautiful and your man loves you for who you are - it can't get much better than that!

Sarah O. said...

Gracious, if our husband's - and we, ourselves - can't cope with the physical changes that come with life, we need to rethink our take on reality. Besides, you look wonderful and sexy. No need to worry, darlin'!

rubyiscoming said...

ok, i hope you are not wasting too much time on this. yes, you have a foxy hubby - but would you stay with him if he lost all his hair? what if he had an intertube for a waist? or just packed on the affectionate beer belly? of course you would! you love him....HIM....not just what his physical appearance was 20 years ago.

granted, this sounds a bit like a Hallmark card, and I admit that I am getting less attractive and my hubs is getting more attractive w/ age (slightly because he allows me to dress him now). but still. our hubbies love us.

in my case, i know that joel loves me more when i'm taking care of myself - exercising regularly, etc., which doesn't happen all the time because of work, stress, life....

but you are loved. know this. embrace it. and eat cheetos when you want to, and fat-free yogurt when you want to. life is too short.

sheila said...

Only if we can wake up to the physical man we married. lol

Crouching Mother Hidden Diva said...

It has less to do with weight and more to do with if you look like you give a crap or not.

Personal grooming and trying to look presentable show both husbands and wives that you give a shit.

It therefore doesn't matter if your waistline is thicker or your eyes more crepe-y.

I think it just matters that you make an effort not to be a slothy slob.