Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Nice Manners, Babe!

Dear Beloved Children,

Oh, how I love you. I look at each of you and marvel at your wonderfulness... my luck! My joy! My heart!

My aching friggin' back.

Darlings, there are a few little things that we need to discuss.

For example - this an image of our dishwasher...


It has no lock. I am not the only person with the combination to it's goodness.

If you use a plate, bowl, utensil (those would be knives, forks and spoons) or drinking receptacle of any kind, feel free to A) rinse quickly under faucet and then B) open dishwasher... I know! That bar is not just for dishtowels, it also in a handle! Place item pretty much anywhere. I'm not fussy, just stick in in and we'll hope for the best.

Now, here is where things can go a little awry... when you are looking for a plate to put a quesadilla on, or a cup to fill with iced tea, or a spoon for your yogurt, and there are none... I promise, despite many threats to do so, I have not thrown them out; they're in, yes, you guessed it, the dishwasher. Grab hold of that handle (remember, you know it's a handle now) and pull down... you should be rewarded with a face full of steamy cleanliness. While it's tempting to simply remove the object of which you are in need, be sweet and put away the whole kit and kaboodle.

Moving on to the eternal joy known as laundry.

I've pretty much given up the ghost on this one, but kids, and EvaJun I mean you, please, for the love of all that's holy, put your dirty fundies in the laundry basket. If I have to wrestle one more pair of size 2T Hello Kitty panties away from the dogs I may lose what is left of my mind.

And finally, the dogs.

I know we all love them. They are fun to pet, to play with and to take on walks around the neighborhood. Yes, I understand they are especially handy at towing a person while that person stands on the skateboard... fun for all.

But family, they need to eat and also, they don't use the toilet. Which means that twice a day those bowls need to be filled (see that handy kibble specific scoop in the side pantry?) and not long after, that front yard is going to need some tending. If you time it right, you can clean up and water all at once. Please don't change the settings on the hose, I have it low for eco-friendliness.

Also, don't bother with the gagging, nose holding, doing a poor job... I'm wise to your tricks and my heart is hardened.

A little attention to these items would go a long way.

Loving you massively,


P.S. One last little thing... you aren't destined to live a life of cardboard roll as shelf for new roll of toilet paper... that center bar is spring loaded and therefore pops out, making it easy peasy to replace!

*and don't forget you can enter to win the cute Lucky Tee until 10 a.m Friday!


Los said...

This dishwasher and laundry stuff became crystal clear to me when I moved out of my parents' house ... I didn't realize laundry and dishes didn't clean themselves ... what an awakening!

Ava's family said...

I just love how kids say (and my dear husband), "I thought they were clean" when asked why they didn't put their dishes in the dishwasher. Yep, the dishwasher has two frickin' plates and a glass in it and "they thought they were clean."

Anonymous said...

I believe you were speaking directly to my husband! Every week, I introduce him to the dishwasher. And the dogs/fundies thing? I learned it the hard way -it only takes once for the dogs to twirl your pretty pink lacy things around the front yard (while the neighbors drive by and snicker)for someone to learn about the laundry basket.

Jill said...

So this is what I have to look forward to. Good times, good times!

Shelley said...


Can you send this as an open letter to my children as well? Everything you just said so applies here too. :) :(

furiousBall said...

i remember once my frustrated mother switched to paper plates for a week to get her point across

Anonymous said...

With the exception of the dog stuff, this could be written for my household.

Anonymous said...

needed a laugh this morning. thanks! i would settle for the other adult in my house meeting the dishwasher and laundry basket!


a Tonggu Momma said...

Yeah... what you said! Then again, in my case, I never bring upstairs the folded laundry, so maybe I shouldn't complain.

Kristin said...

Los - I know... sadly, I didn't really know how to do laundry when I went off to college... not a chance of my kids being able to say the same!

Ava's Fam - Oh, I know that stunt... the other popular move is shoving dirty things in a dishwasher full of clean dishes!

Anon - I've given up on my husband. He would prefer to wash things by hand than have any involvement with the dishwasher.

Jill - totally.

carrie said...

Did I just write that?

Oh - wait, it was YOU! I'm amazed with the similarities though . . . right down to the dog doo and the empty toilet paper roll. Are they teaching our kids these things in school?

Kristin said...

Shell - Sadly, it's a universal experience.

Van - I love your mother. She is my new hero.

Jen - I could help you with the dog situation...

Tonggu Momma - I think we all know you just like running down those stairs in your knickers!

Anonymous said...

These are always my favorite types of posts as you have a talent for stating the truth with the perfect amount of humor!

Amy Y said...

Let me know if this works... I'd love to stop stepping on Legos and matchbox cars in the middle of the night...

dgm said...

I, too, have hardened my heart in the face of children gagging and holding their little noses and complaining about scooping the litter box. My 5.5 year old always proclaims, "I think I got all of it!" and when I check, there are always big clumps left. So I stand by patiently and wait while he finishes the job, and then he has to sweep up.

I'm a stone cold momma.

Issas Crazy World said...

Dude, good dam luck. My husband, still doesn't understand these things. I heard his own mother say to him yesterday, Nicholas, you know cups can be placed in the dishwasher, it's this thing right here. To which he replied, that's what i got married for.

So maybe what you should do instead is teach them how to be sweet men, so they marry awesome women.

Issas Crazy World said...

Oh and with my dog, it's socks. Dirty socks, which she can take out of the laundry, on the off occasion that they are put in there.

Recovering Wino said...

I am constantly picking up Small Paul 2T underwear around the house. At least those smiling monkeys make me laugh.