Flipper and Me

What do Tyra Banks, Jessica Simpson and I all have in common?

No, it's not Botox.

It's a fear of dolphins.

Or, to be more accurate, in my case, it's a fear of sharing aquatic space with dolphins.

I hear you now Internet: Dolphins! They're magical!

Yes, they are swell which is all the more reason I should not be swimming with them... they have jobs to do - like saving sailors from drowning or scaring off potential shark attacks.

I actually have some rather bizarre water issues which include, but are not limited to, an extreme squickishness about man made objects under water (which makes it difficult to climb in and out of boats or swim around docks or piers), as well as man made lakes. Especially when those lakes are over former towns - Hello? Lake Mead, can you hear me??

Anyhoo, as dolphin swims don't pop up with any sort of regularity, this phobia doesn't much matter.

So why, you ask, did I find myself floating in a manky lagoon on Tortola, eyes shut tight but hands obediently out at my sides with my thumbs up, waiting for Venus and Poseidon to come along and give me a ride through the murky water?

Because I am goddamn team player, that's why.

Hugh and I originally planned to catch the ferry over with everyone else only, instead of taking the plunge, we were going to walk around Road Town, check out the museums, the rum distillery, hit a few gift shops and toss back a couple of Bushwackers.

But nooooo... we are stooopid and didn't bring our wallets and so were fated into an aquatic swim.

The video shows 5 enthusiastic people, clapping and smiling and laughing with glee at the wonder of it all, and 1 person looking vaguely nauseous and highly nervous and maybe not laughing with glee at the wonder of it all but instead peering into the depths wondering just where those little fuckers graceful creatures lurked.

Guess which one was moi.

Luckily there were "tricks" we could/would do with our new friends. My personal nemesis was The Superman - a stunt whereby Venus and Poseidon come along and push you up out of the water by the soles of your feet, straight up in the air out of the frigging water... I sucked it up for the kiss and the drag along pull, but I was damned if I was going to allow this aberration.

So the trainer made me do something else... Oh, Kristin, you will love this! (Mon) Put your arms out like this,(Mon) yes, that's good (Mon) and now hang on here comes Venus... next thing you know I am pretty much atop this dolphin and it is undulating under me in that way that they swim and so I am sort of rafting along and can I just say that undulating dolphins + me = ew.

Now, I know the question you all have is: did I conquer my fear? Do I now love The Dolphin?

No.

In fact, now that I am uber-aware of their cleverness, I am even more inclined to give them their space - all 5 (seriously, I am glad I Googled this because I thought there were only 4) of the world's oceans.

the superman.
not me.
or anyone i know.

*edited to add - I cannot get the DVD we received from Dolphin Discovery to work... it will not read on any of the 4 computers in this house... but I will keep trying to sort something out because, as mentioned, I am a TEAM player!