Thursday, February 08, 2007

Job-Share!

In the interest of absolutely nothing, I would like to know what your worst job or job interview is...,

I think I told you all about the interview I went on when I was compared to a monkey in the skills department but I have also worked for a man who took phone calls in the bathroom and talked about his sex life in excruciating detail while sitting not 3 feet away from me.

I once had a job as a roller skating carhop... I got the job because I fit the uniform. My first night on skates I tripped and dumped a tray full of milkshakes over the hood of a new Rolls Royce.

However, the very pinnacle of employment suckiness came when I was working as a lowly production assistant on my first commercial job... the director was newly dating one of the models in the ad and it was her bulldog's birthday. Mr. Director thought that the surfire way into La Lovely's pants was to purchase a special gift for Rex, well, actually, if I were to buy a present for Rex... he decides on a dog bone.

Ok. Dog bone, simple enough, 30 minutes to PetSmart and back...easy peasy.

But no. No it's not because he wants this to be an actual bone. Like from the cow. So, I try a few butchers, but none of them have a bone that is big enough to satisfy Mr. Fuckball Director. No, this bone must be LONG and GIRTHY (anyone else catching the inadequacy issues?) and FRESH.

So, I find myself on the phone to numbers kindly supplied to me by the fellows behind the meat counter at Gelson's to various slaughterhouses in the Los Angeles area.

Nice.

And I learn, because there is always something to learn, that they only kill the animals on Tuesdays, and, as this is Wednesday, the bones have already been picked up by the company who is actually in charge of these things. However, if I hurry down to San Pedro, I can probably beat the bone collectors down there as they are on their lunch...

Salvation?

So, I hustle down to San Pedro and find the slaughterhouse in question and let me tell you the look of utter surprise on the face of the workers when I came tripping in with on a pair of kitten heels.

Bone thusly acquired, I drive back to Los Angeles to the stationery shop that I used... a very precious and chi-chi stationery shop located on the obnoxiously posh street of Montana Avenue in Santa Monica.

From my car in the parking lot I phone in and speak to the woman who has helped my over the years and I tell her, "Hello, Marcy, this is Kristin and I have a large fresh cow femur-type bone in my car that I need wrapped in spangling paper for a dog's birthday."

And bless her soul if she didn't sneak that bone in through the rear entrance and
package that sucker up in the most lovely of papers.

As I drove back to the studio I found myself thinking, is this what my parents spent frillions of dollars on my education for... so that I could find my way to kill floors and sneak bones into snooty shops?

So that some short dude can get banged by a model?

I arrive back and bearing my large and FUCKING HEAVY gift I hand it over to Mr. Director... who promptly beats haste to the floor and presents, with a flourish I might add, the damn bone.

Without so much as a thank you.

*sigh*

Now it makes me laugh, actually, even then it made me laugh.

So, there you go, my lowest employment moment.

And probably lovely stationery-Marcy's too.

But, I bet neither of us thought about donning adult diapers and taking him out.

Now.

Tell me yours.

33 comments:

Kristi said...

I love this story. I wish I had a comparable one. But I don't.

Buying dead carcasses for a model takes the cake.

wzgirl said...

OMGod - Nothing, absolutely nothing in my varied work history compares even by the smidgiest smidge to the horror of your large, fresh bone story.

Whoa.

Anonymous said...

At one co. I worked for, the foeman told me I was working too slow, I told him if he want to see slow he should come around when I didn't feel like working. the shop manager, who always said I talked too much offered me chewing gum one day. I told no no, if he saw my mouth moving he would accuse me of talking. A leadman told me that basicly if I didn't kiss his ass, he wouldn't teach me anything. I told him thats ok because I got paid wether I worked or watched him work. It's not the job, it's the fools and their egos you have to work with.
Have a nice day K

Marian said...

I once worked as a PA in a college where all the offices and classrooms were monitored by CCTV and microphones, so thst the bosses could follow our every move.

If I looked out the window for 3 minutes my phone rang and the principal asked: Oh, by the way, did you finish that letter?

In the end I just retorted to turning around and saying sorry to the camera before I said something critical about the mangment.´
Later we discovered porn on the principals computer.

I only stayed for two months.

Marian said...

I once worked as a PA in a college where all the offices and classrooms were monitored by CCTV and microphones, so thst the bosses could follow our every move.

If I looked out the window for 3 minutes my phone rang and the principal asked: Oh, by the way, did you finish that letter?

In the end I just retorted to turning around and saying sorry to the camera before I said something critical about the mangment.´
Later we discovered porn on the principals computer.

I only stayed for two months.

C.J. said...

That is a good one. I would have set myself up bad enough to let my fingers do the walking: "Excuse me sir, I am calling in search of a long and girthy bone. Do you have a fresh one?" Wait, that's how I got my last date ;0)

Los said...

Oh my - now that is an "eccentric" boss!

I guess my worst job interview was the first one I had out of college for some copy-machine company. The guy asked me what I saw myself doing in 5 years, and I responded, "Um...I don't know." I also left my briefcase at the interview ... good times.

Tuesday Girl said...

I worked in an office once where they catered to this old man who was a part time telemarketer. Don't ask me why.

on mor ethn 100 occasions I would have to fix his problems like a plug didn't fit into an outlet anymore (upside down) or there were no more crullers for him.

One time he was asking me to help him because he couldn't get his mouse to work. I got up walked over to his smelel desk and found him pushing a stapler all over his desk instead of the mouse.

Fun times.

Anonymous said...

Some of us would like to hear more about the "roller skating carhop" days.

stayathomemotherdom said...

The worst job interview I ever had was when I was just finishing grad school trying to land a job. I was interviewing with a "good ole boys" company who obviously didn't think much of women in the first place, and I was deathly ill. (with a real medical issue...not a hangover)

I had to try to force down a steak dinner the night before and on the day of the interview I had to keep interupting different interviewers to go throw up.

Classy.

carrie said...

Worst job ever? Picking berries before I was old enough for a "real" job. I lasted 2 whole hours.

I once worked at the county fair selling turkey leg dinners without a cash register (so we had to do all the math in our heads) for a man named TANK...good times.

Carrie

eastcoastermomma said...

My worst job was working at my uncle's dry cleanering store for a summer. It was hot and I always smelled of the chemicals at the end of the day!

eastcoastermomma said...

My worst job was working at my uncle's dry cleanering store for a summer. It was hot and I always smelled of the chemicals at the end of the day!

kim said...

When I was 18 I took a "receptionist" job at a "massage therapists" office... I lasted till shortly after noon on the 3rd day when I was expected to fill in and give a massage. Hating to admit I had made a mistake (like my parents suggested when i accepted the job) I bravely stalked in to the cubicle to find a 3/4 naked man wearing only some odd mesh net over his privates.
I screamed .. he screamed ... I ran out the door and sent my Daddy for my paycheck :)

Damselfly said...

ROTFL! You win. My worst job interview was when this guy had me come in on a Saturday to the office (that should have tipped me off right there -- no one was working that day), but all he wanted to do was try to put his arm around my waist and touch me.

Christina_the_wench said...

Mine was right out of high school at a cookie factory. Not an Oreo, Chips Ahoy kind of place; the generic 100 cookies for a $1.00 establishment. And Fig Newtons. Oh god, the Newtons. It was third shift with a bunch of catty older women working side by side packing cookies in trays that cut your cuticles to shreds and you actually bled on the line. If the Saran Wrap/packaging machine went down, the cookies still came and you had to take them off the conveyor and place them on tables off to the side. Needless to say, cookies got dumped on the floor a lot. I remember standing in literally 5 inches of cherry Fig Newtons at the end of one night. I use to take my shoes off outside in the morning and awake to find ants crawling all over them when it was time to go back to work that night. I lasted 3 months. I cannot eat a store brand cookie now.

dodo said...

i have tales such as tese to look forward to since I lost my job this week!

As a student I worked in a bulb factry, sorting and packing garden bulbs. stinky itchy nastiness

InterstellarLass said...

You've got a winner with this story. Although I did barf in the office on the 4th day of a brand-new job.

Michele said...

My worst job was working in "food services" back in the college cafeteria.

Gross.

Kayce said...

Not an interview but a walk out!

I got a writen warning from my boss who disliked me from the moment I walked in the door. Still not sure why she hired me if she hated me so, but yeah I worked my ass off and did a fucking kick ass job so she could buy herself her Mercedes and play Yoga all day. But anyway that's besides the point....

2 years into my job she became my manager, ummmm said she thought we'd work well together. (I should have known she was trying to get rid of me then) So I get a write up. Are you ready....For being TOO HAPPY!!!! NO FUCKING JOKE! I was told that I was too cheerful and that I should look into counciling for my obsessive happyness. So I said fuck you and walked out on one of the best jobs of my life. BUT it also put me where I am today...on my own and much happier!! SOOOOO check out...

http://www.redthreadfinearts.com

I would have loved to have gotten a bone for her dog...I would have thrown it through her car window!

S. said...

Great story!

My worst interview moment was turning left in front of an oncoming car on Peachtree in midtown Atlanta...surely the other driver knows that I am late for a very important job interview and will slow down and let me turn in front of him, right? UMMMM...no. Not so much. Not one of my shining moments...thankfully no one was hurt...except my car.

Jodi said...

I would have to say my worst job was working as a waitress in high school and having to clean the public bathrooms. EWWWW. So gross and nasty. Hated it.

But, your story is lots better and much more exciting for sure!

Anonymous said...

I think working retail for Nordstroms.

This was back in the days when Nordstroms still accepted all clothing returns and people would be smirking as they handed over obviously (well) worn clothing for a refund! It didn't matter how many months it had been since it had been sold, we still had the cost of the item deducted from our next paycheck!

Kevin Charnas said...

Blech!! too bad that it wasn't Mr. "Fuckball's" head that you dumped those milk shakes on. What an idiot.

I caught a human turd in my bare hands while working one of my jobs.

Lisa Fine Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

oh, man. I am laughing still at the fresh bone and the milkshakes on the rolls! I love it. It was so totally worth it for you to now have those stories to tell at cocktail parties.

I had a job interview where the editor told me I didn't get the job because I wasn't "tough" enough to be a reporter. I called him the next day and told him off because I just could not get over how offensive that was...that he didn't base it on skill, or past experience, but on his perception of my temperment. He ended up giving me the job, which turned out to be awful because he and I clashed at every possible moment. Ugh.

Sometimes bad interviews are a huge sign that you don't fit into that company. I should have taken that warning. Oh well.

i was a waitress at a diner in college, where the cook/owner's son and one of the waitresses were dating and constantly fighting. I'd have to stand around and wait for him to fill my orders for him to finish his argument. AAAARrrgh!

Lisa

Dan said...

But no. No it's not because he wants this to be an actual bone. Like from the cow.

Maybe you should have killed your boss and fed the dog one of your boss's bones?

scribbit said...

Ha! I haven't got anything to compare with that--one time I did crash my boss's car while out on an errand, but even that doesn't compare.

At least it's blog fodder all these years later. :)

sweatpantsmom said...

I love that story.

I think you should have gotten him back by wrapping up a celery stick for the model.

Lisa said...

I have blogged about my crappy work experiences too. There was the boss who told me if I wore a miniskirt, I'd get "miniskirt wages" then asked to buy me ribbons that he'd keep at work so I could wear ribbons in my hair for him... And when we went out to buy a copy machine (What moron needs an 18-year-old to "help" him buy a copy machine) he tried to hold my hand...

And then there was the weasily editor who would verbally abuse me and blame his mistakes on me in front of someone he was trying to impress.

And then there was a boss who'd push her work off on others. She once told her fiance she was housesitting for me but went to screw some other guy... And used abortion as her main birth control method. (I'm pro-choice but DUDE!) She got pregnant a month before her wedding but aborted so she could fit into her wedding dress! And she was doing COKE at work in her office while she was pregnant so she could lose weight. She had a steady diet of cocaine and candy... (HELLO VIOLENT MOODSWINGS!)And three weeks before her wedding she was STILL going out and screwing other men! Plus? She loved shopping online (while others did her work) and then would open her expensive designer purses and shoes in front of the staff she paid $6 an hour -- people who were barely getting by...

Sorry so long. Yup. That sums it up for me...

Stephanie A. said...

I've never had one bad job, per se, but several bad incidents at several different jobs. I waited tables in college and let's just say that I dealt with my fair share of abuse!

Baba Ganoush said...

My first job out of school - I worked for a telemarketing company. I was in charge of hiring the telemarketers.

I had to sell these college kids on the benefits of the job. 9 out of 10 people would quit the first week. It was awful.

My last job, I was a district manager for a food company. It was a good job with a fortune 100 company, but the way the job worked - if one of my employees called in sick, and I could not find anyone to work for them (which was usually never), I had to hop on the truck and deliver to store all day.

I like my job now though.

Bonnie B said...

Well this about takes the cake.

My jobs have been OK. I worked as a costumed character for Sea World for several years (yes, i was Baby Shamu and Dolly Dolphin) So does tap dancing in a heavy, hot animal costume count?

AdventureDad said...

My worst job ever was my first job. i was 13 years old and wanted to work during the summer to make some money. the best paying job was at then Europe's largest laundry facility who did laundry for hospitals, military etc. I was paid a whopping $6/hour, which was fairly good 25 years ago.

The job was the most fucking boring thing you can ever imagine. Can you imagine doing laundry every day between 7-4? Day after day during the whole summer? And the damn laundry would never stop coming. It was truckloads of crap being brought in throughout the day.

I did this job a few summers even though I almost became suicidal. Money was good and I knew it was only temporary so I sucked it up. Scary thing is that there are people from back then who still work there today.....

Be careful skiing (and drinking)

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