Sunday, November 19, 2006

And Now You Are 10

Dear Jakey-

How I remember your father and I promising that we wouldn't add a "y" to your name... you would be, "Jake" only... ha! You were "Boo Boo Chicken" for the first few years of your life and now, to us and most of our family, you are Jakey or Jake-0.

You have been 10 for one whole day now... one whole day. When I think back on the last 10 years, the last decade, I want to cry because there is so much of it that I don't remember. I remember bits and pieces and I see them in my mind like a disjointed slide show... there is no logical sequence... just memories.

10 years ago today I was trying to figure out how to breastfeed and was scared I would either break you or starve you to death.

When Daddy and I brought you home from the hospital we put you, still strapped into your car seat, on the coffee table and wondered what to do... we opted for sitting on the couch and staring and taking turns saying, "He is so beautiful/amazing/wonderful."

I remember how you called firetrucks, "fireshoes" and how you would eat your waffle every morning while watching, "Barney". I remember when your brother was born, only a mere 16 months into your life I was singing the "Pizza" song and thinking about you.

You were the last in our baby group to roll over but the first to walk... you walked at 9 months and all the fussy old ladies told me that you would never be good at sports because you had missed the key hand/eye coordination that crawling taught. If only they could see you catch a wave or ride your skateboard. If only they had been there a couple of weeks ago to see you earn your green belt in karate.

When your were a baby your favorite song was, "You Are My Sunshine" and I would sing it to you over and over... and I would cry whenever I got to the the lyric, "Please don't take my sunshine away"... needless to say I cried a lot.

Your father and I were so excited for you, but we had no idea, not the slightest clue, how your birth, your presence in our life, your very existence, would change us to our core. We were startled by our fierce love for you... shocked at how primal we felt about you. You made us a family and you changed everything.

I love being your mother. I am always so proud to say, "Yes, that's my son." You are braver than I ever was... when I was afraid, I would walk away, when you are afraid you run towards it. You have given me courage.

All the experts have told us how exceptionally smart you are... we knew this without their input. You are smart and handsome and privileged and the world is quite literally yours for the taking...

Yesterday, when you said, "and in 10 more years, I'll be 20!" I had to stop myself from constructing a veal pen and locking you inside.

I love talking with you... we seem to have our best conversations in the car or at the market... isn't that weird? Maybe it is because the rest of our day is always busy and scheduled...

I love when we turn the music up really loudly and pretend to be with the band...

You aren't my baby anymore and that will always make me a little sad... if I could go back in time and spend just one more day with you as a little guy I would... and I would take a thousand photos and I would lock those memories tightly to my heart... but all I can do is look at the young man you are becoming, a child who opens the door for his mother, who can tell a good joke and sticks up for his little brother. A boy who is sensitive to the feelings of others and who is his little sister's hero.

There are so many things to say to you... I want you to know how proud I am of you. I want you to know that I push you because I can see what you are capable of... I want you to know that I see the whole world when I look at you... I want you to know that I am fighting for a better future for you... I want you to know that when I think about how much I love you, I have to push down the emotion because it comes welling up from a place so deep that I feel a roar exploding from my throat... my love for you encompasses everything.

Happy 10th year, Jakey.

I thank God for you everyday.

Love,

Your Mom


33 comments:

Connie said...

Happy Birthday, Jake!

That's one beautiful letter.

Maggie said...

That's beautiful, Kristin. Thank you for sharing it with us. Jake is a wonderful kid.

crouching mother hidden diva said...

This just cuts a little too close to home for me...Amen, I totally am there with ya.

mrsmogul said...

I was going to name my baby Jake! I love that name. It was all because of Ernest Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises.

TEN! WOW!

Becky said...

awww that was really sweet. happy birthday jakey!

Domestic Chicky said...

So sweet...and so handsome! Happy Birthday Jake!

JayJenny said...

Oh Lord, I'm in tears! That was beautiful Kristen, and I think you're both very lucky to have each other.

Perrin said...

Happy Birthday guy. What a nice letter for him to keep!

Nikki said...

Wow,

You made me all weepy and goosebumpley.

Happy birthday Jake.

Pattie said...

Those are beautiful words to your son. If I were you, I would print them off and save them for him someday.

BTW: Jake is a very handsome kid! :)

kim said...

Awww Kristin thats so sweet *hugs*
I have tears ...

Happy Birthday Jake ... hug your Mom she loves you endlessly

rubyiscoming said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Mr. 2 digits now! Sniff, sniff...yo momma made me cry

carrie said...

Happy Birthday to your little man!!!

I felt that letter all the way up here - and what a lucky boy to have a mom like you who will "sing like we're with the band" and "fight for a better world"!

Hope you both have a wonderful day.

Carrie

Tuesday Girl said...

Happy Birthday Jakey!

You have a great Mom and you Kristen are a great Mom.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I remember sitting and looking at my kids and never turning the tv on for months and months because I would just sit and look at the babies!!! I cant imagine all I will have in my head and heart to write when my kids are 10!

Eric said...

Very sweet. Your line - "the world is quite literally yours for the taking" brought to mind that line from Rudyard Kipling's "If" -"yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it." (A great poem to give to a kid, by the way.) Great post, too. Definitely something to frame and give to "Jakey" someday.

Jodie said...

Awwww! Happy Birthday to Jake!

That letter is making me all weepy! Except for the veal pen part...THAT cracks me up, LOVE that!

Stephanie A. said...

Happy Birthday, Jakey!

Oh, and Kristin, I always cry at the "Please don't take my sunshine away," lyrics, too. It freaking KILLS me!

Los said...

What a great letter, Kristin! I felt the tears welling up. Jakey - you have a great mommy.

lildb said...

lovely.

you made me get all sniffly.

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

Wow, that is wonderful. He will love to read that one day. He sounds like a beautiful gift. And is quite a cutie too!

Lisa

Mrs. Chicky said...

Happy Birthday Jakey! Can I say that? It's just such a cute nickname.

What a gorgeous kid. And that line of You are My Sunshine kills me every time. I'm tearing up now just thinking of it.

Poppy Buxom said...

Thanks for the birthday letter ... I'm all verklempt ovah heah!

I'm not showing this picture to my daughter. She'd want to date him. (I know this because I remember what it was like to be a nine-year old girl. I would totally have a crush on him.)

HB-day J-key!

Shelley said...

Happy Birthday Jake. You sound like a wonderful young man.

Oh Kristin - The whole "you are my sunshine" memory has reduced me to a puddle. I can see why that is so special for you and Jake. That is also Charlotte's favorite song and I sing it every night.

Your son sounds amazing. I would be so proud too.

You are blessed.

Kristin said...

Thank you all so much for your sweet, sweet comments... I did show this post to Jakey and he teared up and hugged me in a way that made me feel like Queen for a Day.

He has printed out a copy and tucked it away in a drawer... I hope he comes across it some afternoon when he is busy thinking that I am just so lame and totally trying to ruin his life... or whatever it is teens think...

Damselfly said...

Aw. I can't find the right words to respond to this post. Except that it's so touching. Thanks.

Jill said...

Beautiful. Really beautiful.

Melissa said...

Jeasus woman you sure do know how to make me cry. Shit.

Happy Birthday to Jakey. I love what you said about getting him home and setting the carseat on the table and just looking at him. We did that with Maya.

hautemama said...

What a beautiful deep tribute to a beautiful boy!

Happy big ten Jakey!!

(we have a Jake altho he's 18 so had to drop the y )

Michelle said...

He is so handsome! Happy Birthdau(A little late!)

Ninotchka said...

That was gorgeous. Happy (belated) Birthday, Jake!

Marcia said...

That is a beautiful letter - you made me cry!

Mamma said...

Oh Kristin, you just made me cry. I so understand!!!!

What a lucky boy to have such an amazing mom. Obviously the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.