Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Rescue Me

Let's just cut right to the chase here... I can't bear professional parents. You know the ones who are always interacting with their children and talking in loud animated voices and, Lord help me, clapping? The folks with the everything is a developmentally appropriate toy and the language is clear and determined. The parents who, when their baby says, "eh", respond with, "YES, Jessica-Sarah-Britney, that IS a blue truck! Very clever, darling!" The ones who want you to sit up and take notice of their stellar child rearing.

Hey, I'm a mother too. I have 3 children who, if you ask me, are the most intelligent, gorgeous, charming and interesting of all small people. However, I think the words, "if you ask me" are key here... to me they are, to other folks, they just may not be all that fascinating.

This morning found me in a waiting room, sipping my hot water with lemon detox from yesterday's vodka tonics and reading a back issue of Oprah's magazine... lalala... pleasant quiet time. THEN the door opened, and, in rolled the most enormous double stroller I have ever seen. Ever. It was being pushed by a woman in a matching shorts and tee set where in the shopping world do adult women find these Garanimal ensembles? and followed up by her matchy shorts mother... also in the Grandma version of shorts and applique tee.

They sit themselves down and for the next 10 minutes, I painfully endure the most obnoxious over-mommy-ing and grandma-ing in the known world.

First, we have a rousing rendition of "Wheels on the Bus". Granny is singing at the top of her lungs, and, because she is really involved, she is also working the hand motions. The child, Aidan, who is 2, the middle child of 3 brothers, looks like his daddy, loves bears, and gets along really well with others could care less but his grandmother is going batshit crazy with the doors on the bus and their opening and shutting.

Mom is engaged with the baby for reasons not made clear this kid goes by the name, "Effie" . Effie is 9 months old. She is reading the baby a book and wow, I'm glad I also got to hear all about the naughty Pokey Puppy. I mean, ok, read your kid a book, no need to bring it on like you are auditioning for the lead in community theater. Effie starts to squirm around and so Mom decides to let him do a little crawling... but NOT on his own. MOM also must get down on all fours and support, with her actions, his little motions.

Good Lord. GET YOUR ASS UP WOMAN.

There must be 4 other people in the waiting room, not to mention the staff, and we are all completely paralyzed by these women. You cannot read your outdated magazine because they are loud. You cannot look at them because they will bore you to immediate tears about the kids how the hell do you think I know so much about them? If you are the poor slob who was unlucky enough to walk in and sit down next to Mommy of the Year you got to hear about her pregnancies, deliveries, and just what a flippin' hero of virtue she is. Basically, she is a better mother than you. She is, in fact, a better mother than anyone in the room. No one has ever raised several children before and no one else in the world has babies close in age. She alone is the paragon of motherhood and she is going to ram it down your fucking throat.

So, the baby kid is crawling over my foot, and is drooling on my bare flip-flop shod toes and suddenly, mom is all up in my stuff with, "Oh, Effie, let's see if the pretty lady will let you see her keys!"

Ok, I am a sucker for a compliment, but despite the fabulousness of this pretty lady's key ring, there is no way Effie is having a go with it. I sort of looked at the kid and mumble something about the keys being sharp and Super-Mom tells me it is ok, because children need to learn that some things are not for playing and they will only make that connection if something is uncomfortable.

Fortunately, my name is now called and I beat a quick escape.

Now, don't get me wrong... I like kids and I enjoy their cuteness and their antics and I am by no means suggesting that they don't belong in public doing their little thing... it's just their parents that I often wish would stay home.

55 comments:

Ninotchka said...

OMG this is hilarious! I'm so glad I checked in on you this morning. I'm woefully behind on my blog reading. AGAIN.

I know exactly of what you speak. I won't say where but the other day I saw a Mom pull out flash cards while we were waiting for I won't say what and I thought, Wow. That is ambitious.

I mean, Anna Sofia was crawling on the dirty floor eating her "scooby snacks" (fruit puffs) and these kids are over there learning Latin or some shit. DAMN.

lol

ciodude said...

(lol) Even after 5 children, I'm purely an amateur parent!

Johnny said...

Yes, I totally agree. And when you say, "No, I'm keeping my keys" and their face drops and they give you a look of, "Oh, you're one of those people aren't you?"

Yeah Missy, my life ain't centered around YOUR kid.

Good post. We've all been there.

Christina_the_wench said...

OMG one of my staff is THAT mother. I hear her talking to her 8 or 9 year old daughter. "Ohhhh honey, so what did YOU do today? Uh huh, well that is nice. Did you eat all of your yummy lunch? Uh huh. Well I will see you in a few hours, sweetie. Buh bye now. Mommy loves you!"

*gags every day at 3:15pm*

Joannah said...

Kristin, you have a great writing style and a keen sense of observation. I really think you should submit some of your posts to OC Weekly for an 'alternative' perspective on parenting in OC. I'm serious...

Mama of 2 said...

What a GREAT story! I am sorry you had to live through it but I can say that I have been where you were in this situation.

I find myself rolling my eyes at moms like this and the worst thing is I have a neighbor who fits the bill you were describing to a "T". It's hard to do anything with women like this for the sheer fact that at any moment you are wanting to choke them.

Thanks for the laugh this morning.

Beth said...

OMG that totally sucks! I am always the sucker who ends up near them, and has to hear every last detail about thier kids! GAH! Meanwhile, my girl is just happily playing or watching the movie on the TV. I always feel so dumb.
Those kinds of parents suck!

abbynormal said...

Oh, I am SO with you on this. I feel sorry for those kids, really I do!

mean girls said...

UGH!!! LOOK AT ME I'M THE BEST MOMMY EVER, puke. It's those kind of people that ruin it for us truly good parents.
Effie??? she must have hit her head before naming that one.
I can just imagine how she talks to her husband in the bedroom.

Jenn said...

LOL This is great! I've seen this myself, and it is OH SO ANNOYING!

Kristi said...

I say there are 2 kinds of parents: parents who use the word "precious" when describing their kids, and the rest of us. But you have to feel sorry for the "precious" crew...they're going to feel helplessly incoherent during the teen years.

Mama Duck said...

ROTFL!! Oh, that drives me crazy. Plus, why would you want your child to be anywhere near someone else's keys?

Becky said...

good lord. i feel bad for you

mollymcmommy said...

oh dear lord i can so relate! i have 3 kids too.

i had my eldest in swimming lessons for about 6 months and sat beside a mother like that. i know EVERYTHING about her kids/family. she is so annoying.

and out of all 10 soccer teams that my son is on, her kid is on it too. what fucking luck.

fuck those fuckers!!!

sorry, i'm bad, but man those types of mommies get my panties in a bunch. arg!!!! and bah-humbug on overzealous parents! LOL!

m

mollymcmommy said...

ah man, i sounded bitter didn't i? i'm not bitter, really i'm not your post just reminded me so much of the swimming/soccer mommy! LOL!

m

f said...

Sounds like a pick up line, "Hey pretty lady, can I see your keys?"

Susan @ YOW said...

Women like that make me want to barf. I'm not a parent and I used to sort of think most mothers were like that. Boy was I surprised a few years ago when I stumbled on to some "mommy blogs" written by real people - complaining about how tough parenting can be. It was a breath of fresh air.

jennster said...

the occasional cuteness is OKAY.. but for the most part, why can't people talk to their children like they're real people, instead of puppies??!?

eastcoastermomma said...

I know exactly the type of parent you are talking about. There is one in my kid's daycare and not only is she an expert on everything, she makes sure the rest of us slobs know it!

Wendy said...

I couldn't agree more. I often feel like the worst mother ever if I tell my son "no" in public. I mean I *know* I should be giving him "choices" and explaining ad nauseum why he shouldn't be doing something, but really "no" is so much quicker!

Michelle said...

I work at a child care center. I see this stuff on a DAILY basis. It sickens me. It takes all I have not to roll my eyes at them and say "Puh-leese people! Do you know how much harder it makes my job when you leave and that child realizes they are not the center of MY universe?" I have twenty other kids to watch after, for God's sakes! Someone needs to save these people from themselves! Is it sad that I'm so jaded before I even have child number one? (I think not!) Hilarious post, and so true!

kim said...

there is nothing more annoying than the over involved parent ....unless its the parents who are oblivious to all their kids are doing and getting in to, and let them wreak havoc on unsuspecting people with normal kids lol

kim said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Antique Mommy said...

What a great post. I second what Joannah said about your talent. I really wonder about parents who have to make such a public display - what's really going on at home? But then again, the only matching outfit I have is the one where the coffee stained both my shirt and pants, so I'm not really in the running for best mother ever anyway.

Domestic Chicky said...

We have a mom like that in a playgroup I've gone to a couple of times. But this woman only has one child, and you would think he's the messiah. She speaks to him in almost reverent tones, and every word from his 14 month old mouth is gospel. I keep waiting for a diaper change so I can see her lift the almighty poopy diaper up for all to see...LOL But seriously, this woman packed everything but the kitchen sink on her stroller for a 1 hour playground playdate. She had 10 different kinds of snacks, 4 different drinks, 10 diapers, 2 different kinds, 3 changes of clothing, music to play for him, 3 or 4 blankets...it was insane.

Feral Mom said...

Look at the pretty wine bottles, sweetie! Which one should Mommy buy? The red one? Red is a pretty color isn't it? It does stain the teeth, though, doesn't it? What about the white one? Which white one, sweetie, the Riesling or the Chardonnay? What about the Pinot Grigio? Agggggggh.

Nikki said...

That type of mommy style seems so fake to me.

Their underwear creeps up their butt just like it does mine, so they just need to chill. Glad your kid speaks three languages hon, but my kid can kick you kids ass in just one.

Gracencameronsmomy said...

I am the mom in the wating room trying to ead my magazine while yelling "GET OFF OF THERE" to my kids...
Lisa
can't stand those "better than me" parents

Kevin Charnas said...

I'm telling you, pepper spray would've worked just fine. PEPPER SPRAY PEOPLE!!! DOES EVERYONE HEAR ME?? PEPPER SPRAY AND KICKS TO THE CROTCHES! THAT'S WHAT THESE ASSHOLES DESERVE!

Kristin, ... damn.

Jodie said...

I am so annoyed by "those" moms too! It's just plain unnatural for me to act that way.

Holly said...

OMG - I know the exact type. You can safely say that the children will grow up to be just as (if not more) annoying than Mom & Grandma.
There are just some gene pools that we could do without......

How about puking all over the floor and let little "Effie" play in that; or is that one of the "somethings" that are just not for playing?

rubyiscoming said...

This made me laugh out loud - some parents have read W-A-Y too many parenting-self-help books and are a BIT overly dramatic about their skills - which, quite frankly, based on this wackadoodle woman's antics, she is sending her kiddos to rehab later in life :)

Reminds of the old Sex and the City episode where Samantha just wants to eat a nice meal in an upscale Manhattan eatery when she is bludgeoned with food throwing from a toddler with an "adoring" parent.

grin

carrie said...

You are so lucky that your name was called, one more minute and I would've puked!

Then the lady could let her baby play in it and "smell" it and discern for herself that yup, it was indeed yucky!

Lisa and Tate said...

Moms like that just make my stomach churn... but it sure was funny to hear about thru your eyes!!!

Lisa

J.D. said...

LOL, and of course the kid's name is "Aidan." You just know that people who name their kids names like that are going to not only be pretentious, but completely self-absorbed.

And as for the keys? Can you say GERMS? I knew you could!

I remember when I had a job at the Zoo here in Memphis, which is a pretty big deal (the Zoo, not the job), and these kinds of parents were ALL OVER the place. Because obviously the zoo is an educational outing for your children, versus an opportunity for the kids to laugh at horses humping. Way better than Six Flags, as indicated by the amount of children who were asleep and needing to be carried through the zoo, while the parents congratulated themselves on contributing to the mindset of a future President of the United States.

Anyway. This one couple--they were "members" which raises the pretentious factor by a billion--had a little blonde two-year-old boy. They named him Jackson. You know how I know? Because they kept saying his name OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I was driving the train around the zoo, and it was constantly "Jackson, look at that, Jackson. Jackson, blah blah Jackson blah blah Jackson blah blah. Jackson." It was as if they thought they had the best baby name ever. And I would always catch them glancing up at me surreptitiously (or not so much, as the case may be) to see if I was fully appreciating the wonder that was their child and their child-raising.

And that one wasn't just the mommy. It was daddy too. I have no idea what these idiots did for money, because they were always at the zoo.

And with the strollers already!! Have you seen these things? I swear to you, some of them had spoilers on the back and ten disc CD changers. I'm talking chrome rims and leather seat covers! And the stroller must go on the zoo train with them, because God forbid the stroller be left with all the commoners' strollers. The strollers had to go with them on a ride moving at a high rate of speed, wherein the stroller is likely to become airborne and fly off, causing trouble in the prairie dog display. Because as all of you know, there are roving bands of thugs scouring the city to steal strollers and sell them on the black market, so it is vitally important to carry it with you everywhere I go.

I hope someday Jackson grows up, shaves a mohawk into his head, and joins a very loud punk band.

sunshine scribe said...

Women like her make me crazy. She's auditioning for something that's for sure...great post. again.

Heather said...

Amen! That crap annoys me to no end, and not only because it clearly ISN'T the best way to help a child in their development.

Sandy said...

The mom got down on all four??? No way, talk about a Kodak moment for Most out of Control Mom of the Year award!

Kristin said...

omg y'all... where is my flower????


JD-

I love the comment about "trouble in the prarie dog display"... but, listen bud, I will have you know that Jake was almost, "Aidan". I LOVE that name!

Tori said...

THis is funny my friend.
We had a similar experience in the dentist's office. Perhaps it was the dame lady. Our Momma had on tight pants and.... wait for it...suspenders! What era are we in. These babes were twins and if she 'interacted' with them one more time, I thought I might puke. Poor kids looked bewildered. She too was singing "Insty Wincy....."
The girls and I could all but stare in horror....transfixed....
Congrats too on the perfect post.
You ROCK...
And Eva's bum is very cute indeed! I was lucky enough to witness it in all its glory.

EmmaK said...

Very funny post. I feel so sorry for those kids! Can you imagine how embarassed they're going to be of their Mom in her cutesy outfits once they are teenagers?

Pattie said...

Yes, i know that species of parent/grandparent well...my stomach hurts...

Jodi said...

Holy crap woman. 42 comments! Have you hit a nerve or what? Not only am I NOT one of these Mom's I don't know that I've ever seen one up close either. I always see white trailer trash Mom's and think "for God's sake, put on some clothes and give your kid a bath". Maybe I need to start visiting more upscale establishments like the ZOO perhaps to see these Mommy's in their nature habitats. :)

J's Mommy said...

Just found your blog. So funny! I hate moms like that. I am the complete opposite, embarrassed to sing or read aloud. The thing is, my daughter is loud and she has no problem going up to other kids and saying hello. And she can't just say hi, she has to touch and get really close. It's a whole other issue! Yikes!

Stephanie A. said...

True that! Seriously, parents can be so annoying. It drives me bonkers when they act like they're the only family in the universe.

Anonymous said...

Love this entry! It only gets worse as they get older. You should read the forums on collegeconfidential.com to see what these parents are like in 15 years. Harvard or Yale, blah, blah, blah. I've been researching colleges for my soon to be a junior son, but his mind's made up, he wants the big sports and party state school, so ok, saves me some money.

liz

Nicki said...

crazy-ass-sister-in-law said such a thing the other day when they were over.... young child who barely utters grunts, made asound similiar to "ya". Mommy Dearest replied in the sugary sweetest of voices (which makes my skin crawl), "Young child (name withheld to protet the innocent), you know Mommy doesn't like it when you say "ya", we say "yes"." Can you say scary? Run, young child, run! And poor young child must say thank you for everything, I mean must to the point of Mommy Dearest pullingher back into the room to say thank you to the Queen of Aunts (thats me) for letting her playing with the friggin' toys which are for the children! She must think my young offspring to be in desperate need of some Emily Post Etiquette training! I laugh at moms like this, ha, ha, ha!

by the way, loved JD's story, and all children should be educated like Feral Mom's.....

Mia said...

Amazing. I would have loved to have been there camera in hand. I see tons and tons of therapy for those kids ahead.

"M" said...

OMG, too funny! You are hysterical. :) I hope I don't end up like that mommy...

Melissa
LID 10/31/05
babyheaton.blogspot.com

Mrs. Chicky said...

Instead of pepper spray, like Kevin suggested, how about a new product called "Crazy Bitch-Be-Gone"? Works on super moms, grandmothers, and random women in the supermarket who want to pinch your babies cheeks. Comes in an aerosol-free pump 'cause you wouldn't want to piss off the extreme earth lovers.

Lisa & Jeff said...

OMG I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face! Like you would have wanted her kid drooling on your key chain! It's bad enough the kid drooled on your flip flops!

Mrs. Chicky said...

Shoot. I meant to say "baby's" cheeks not "babies" cheeks. Unless your the mother to twins, then the sentence still works.

Plus I wanted to add to your comment number and say congrats on the perfect post award.

Lisa said...

I was going to do an entry on how I'm so tired of mothers trying to "Out mom" the rest of us. I just want to puke.

So thanks. You said what I've been wanting to say. Only you said it much more entertainingly. :-)

Can I like ya. Do ya mind? I've been meaning to.

lildb said...

so. effing. true.

I went to the zoo recently with a friend and her kid, and as we calmly strolled past some of the exhibits, chatting, a little girl leapt at my child, chilling peacefully in his seat, not fussing, not freaking out, and proceeded to attempt taking him in her arms and cover him with hugs and kisses. She was like some kind of hugging/kissing banshee. I started to intervene, but her mother then showed up and caught me *totally* off-guard with her request to allow her daughter to continue with the banshee behavior. WA-HUH?? Why on earth would I continue to let some stranger accost my child, a kid who doesn't really like to be poked and prodded by strangers anyway, causing his sunny mood to deteriorate, and possibly giving him some foul disease?

Yeah. The kid wasn't *that* bad, just kinda ADD. The mom, however - I could've seriously done without knowing moms like her are out there.

Seriously.

Gina said...

This is a great post... thanks for sharing this ridiculous scene with us!

And what "good" mom would let their kid chew on nasty keys? Someone else's keys no less? Glad you were saved by the bell per se.